Do you shut down, clam up, and hope they’ll go away? Do you puff up and try to out-bluster them? Do you start explaining, apologizing, or simply flee the scene?
If any of this sound like you, then you’re probably missing the two most important parts of dealing effectively with someone else’s anger, whether it’s a minor upset or full-blown rage.
First, you’ve probably heard someone say, “They are angry at me.” or “I made them angry.” This is the first fundamental mistake most people make when dealing with anger. They falsely believe that someone else can be angry “with them” or that they “can cause” another person’s anger.
The truth is, another person’s upset, anger, or even rage is never ever about you. It is always about how scared the other person is about whether or not they’re going to get something they value, keep something they value, or lose something they value. In other words, it’s always about them and what they value. Always.
When you realize this you can begin to stop taking other people’s anger personally. And this gives you the freedom to really get underneath their anger and create practical, effective solutions that get to the heart of the matter.
Beth and I co-authored an article about this topic that appeared in this month’s issue (Sept. ’08) of the NonviolentCommunication.com eNewsletter. You can read more about this idea of “not taking it personally” there. But I wanted to expand a little bit on one of the points that we made in that article.
And that’s the second most important thing to keep in mind when dealing with anger. And that’s to apply your sharply focused attention on separating the “stimulus” for anger from the “clause” of anger. I say “sharply focused attention” because this is no simple task to separate stimulus from cause, a specially given most people’s lack of experience or training in distinguishing between the two.
Take the two statements I used as examples above. Both of these statements imply that the stimulus and cause of the other person’s anger is the person making the statement. In fact, it must’ve been something the person said or did, didn’t say, or didn’t do that stimulated this anger reaction in the other person.
But even if you plug in these facts, the statements still do not get to the root of the anger. “Bill is angry because I didn’t return his phone call” “Mary is angry because I didn’t pick her up at the airport on time.” Again, these actions or inactions are only the stimulus for Bill’s and Mary’s anger.
At the root of the anger is their belief that they’re not getting something they value. In this case it might be something like consideration, predictability, or caring. So if you can apply your sharply focused attention to determining what it is that Bill and Mary might value that’s missing for them, you’re much more likely to begin to have a conversation with them about how important those things are to them and how they might be able to get them in the future.
But even given all that, it’s important to realize that the bills and Mary’s anger is not caused by the fact they are not getting something that is important to them.
So what is the cause? Both Bill and Mary are afflicted with “should” thinking and have adopted the strategy of “being angry” as the best way to get other people to do what they “should” do.
What is “Should Thinking” you ask? Well, that’s the subject of another post.
Until then, I am committed to your success,
Neill Gibson
Friday...nanakawan ako ng digicam. Nakakalungkot talaga pero di ko na lang masyadong inisip....gamit lang naman kasi yun,..napapalitan. Sabi nga nung manong na nasa jeep din,
"Ok nang gamit ang nawala kesa naman buhay mo diba...."
Nanghihinayang ako sa picture dun..oo pinagtatawanan ako nung classmate ko kasi nga yung pictures yung pinanghihinayangan ko..pero kasi yung camera kaya kong palitan pa ulit...kahit kaparehong kapareho pa nun...pero yung mga memories na nandun...buti na lang kaunti lang kaso yung mga pictures yun ng kapatid ko sa GSP niya pati yung mga pictures namin sa MOA. Napaka-careless ko talaga. Nakakainis. Haizt. Hindi ko na kasi mauulit ang mga nakunan dun. Sabi nung mga classmate ko pwede ko naman daw ulitin...pero hindi na. Hindi ko na mauulit na naging GSP ang kapatid ko nung Gr. 5. Di ko na maibabalik na nag-MOA kami. Maaaring may GSP pa next year ang kapatid ko...maaari ring makapag-MOA pa kami..pero di na mauulit yung time na yun...yung mga ngiti...yung lokasyon...magbabago lahat. Di na kami babalik sa original na place. Bumalik man kami maaaring naurong na ng one inch yung paa namin. Alam niyo yun? Di na maibabalik pa muli ang mga iyon....
Kahapon, Sabado. Naging tanga nanaman ako. Nawala ang cell phone ko. Ayoko sanang isipin,..binalewala ko na nga lang kahapon kasi maloloka lang ako pag inisip ko pa. Kaso...nasasaktan talaga ko. Di ko na maitago. Lalo na ngayong nakabili na ko ng bago. Namimiss ko siya. Parang tanga no? Kala mo tao. Para kong nawalan ng syota. Para kong iniwan ng bestfriend. Nawalan na ko ng gana. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko sa bago kong phone. Syempre gusto ko yun ako pumili nun e. Pero kasi...iba pa rin yung dati.
Naalala ko last month ata yun sabi ni Mama palitan ko na daw yung cell phone ko. Sabi ko wag na muna kasi nagagamit ko pa naman siya at isa pa napakahalaga niya talaga sakin. Yung kasi yung unang cell phone na nabili ko sa ipon ko...as in ako ang nag ipon. Yun din ang lagi kong kasama (andrama a!). Yun din ang aking phone diary. Kapag wala akong kasama siya ang sumasalba sakin. Hindi ako nagmumukang tanga kahit na wala akong load. Lahat ng nararamdaman ko nasasabi ko sa kanya...hindi naman niya napalitan ang diary ko pero kasi siya kahit nasaan ako, basta may naisip ako bigla handa siya. Tapos kahit na naihhagis ko siya kapag galit ako ok lang sa kanya...malakas pa rin siya. Andami ko pang pictures dun...gaganda pa naman ng kuha ko.Andun din ang mga messages sakin ng mga dati kong kakilala.
Grabe napaka walang konsensya naman nung nakapulot nun. Hindi man lang binalik sakin. Taga doon lang samin sa Cavite ang nakakuha kaya malamang alam niyang sa tindahan namin niya dapat yun ibalik. Umaasa pa rin akong maibabalik yun. Kahit bilhin ko na lang ulit dun sa nakapulot. Basta makuha ko ulit yung cell phone. Kahit di na yung sim.
Ngayon lang (as in ngayon lang) sinubukan kong tawagan ulit yung phone ko. Ayun nag-ring kaso pinatay nung nakakuha. Hindi pa rin naman ako nawawalan ng pag asa. Alam ko at naniniwala akong makukuha at maibabalik uli sakin yun. Alam kong pinapaasa ko na lang ang sarili ko ngayon..pero as in talaga...aasa ako hangga't nabubuhay ako...
Ayun...nalulungkot pa rin ako..haizt. Nawa'y makuha ko siyang muli. God please! Help me..! Touch the heart of whosoever have my cell phone....
nababasa ko
i mean sino ka?
so slow ako....hmmm...
ganun ba?
kaya pla
ahaha
joke lng love u
love u din. (^^)V
^_^
,v
ayaw mo ba?
?
mj
then.,....
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