The only thing I can't wait for. LOL

You're weird and that's what I like most about you. :)

iwantyou

I know you don't know this, but all I really want is you. i wish I could have you for at least a day. I just want to experience how it is to call you as my own. I really want you. I want you so badly that if this would happen even in my dreams, I will surely beg the Lord not to wake me up anymore. I know you don't want me, I don't care about it. I WANT YOU. IT'S ONLY YOU WHOM I AM WISHING FOR. IT'S ONLY YOU THAT I LIKE. IT'S YOU THAT I LOVE.

WAIT

This is one thing that I have been an expert of. I am fond of waiting. I used to be impatient before, but now I learned how to wait. Well, it's one of the worst things a man can do. To wait is to kill yourself, especially when you are waiting for something you don't know if will ever come. 

There is just one thing that I have been waiting for. It's you. LOL. Kidding aside, I was actually waiting for someone .. but .. ah .. I'm murdering myself. The outcome appears to be impossible, but still I'm hoping. I won't stop waiting and hoping until the answer is in my hands.

IT KILLS ME. REALLY.

Yes. I admit it. NOT TALKING TO YOU KILLS ME. It's as if talking to you has been a very important part of my life. It's like a life support that once it is taken out, I would die. It's like oxygen that I need in every second of my life. It's like food that once I forgot to take up, I will feel dizzy and I have less energy. That's how precious your time for me is. That's how I value you in my life. The simple things like talking to you is my life.

I just have this one wish ... please. .. STAY and TALK TO ME ALWAYS. :)

Laugh Trip to grabe! XD

Shower Me With Your Love

I'm so tired of you. ...

I think it will never gonna work out. No matter how we try to connect, it's just simply not meant to be. This is not about a lover, it's about a friend. We are trying to pick up the pieces again after it has all been scattered, but well, as we try to assemble things back again, one wrong move and it all crashes out. I simply hate this. If it will just turn out negatively, then I would prefer us to be ok and just stay like that. I guess we should not try to make up with each other. It's just going so wrong. We just have to accept that we don't fit to be friends with each other.

I really want him to stay, but instances dictates that he shouldn't. He's so unreachable that the things that my mind could touch is nothing as compared to him. I get really sick with his expectations, asking me to think the way he thinks. That kills me. Can't he just recognize the fact that I am not as intelligent or as grave thinker like him? Can't he just admit to himself that I was the most stupid girl he could ever talk with and just accept me just as I am? 

I really feel sad about it. I am always on the wrong side, and I really know I am. It's just that I am really having a hard time to be what he wants me to be. I openly admit to him that his mind is unfathomable, that I can't understand everything that he utters. .. but he doesn't believe it.

I know that this won't take long. In the next days, I will find myself again alone. He will be gone soon in my life because of my foolishness. I have to be ready. I have to condition myself so that when he finally decides to leave, I will not be gravely affected.


But now, this idea really KILLS ME. :(

The reason behind the posts today. :)

I'm not in love. I just want to write things like those that I have posted earlier. I don't know. I just feel like it.

For the past three years I have been this girl who 'fears commitments'. I mean, yeah. I am really afraid of having intimate relationships with any opposite sexes. It happened after the worst break up I have experienced before. After that great event, I didn't see myself settling for anyone. 

In the course of my existence, even though I fear having relationships (not only with opposite sex actually, it also made me have a hard time to make friends with anyone .. really!) I still manage to try to at least socialize with anyone. At first it wasn't easy. I'd rather have no one by my side than have someone who would just hurt me. In terms of opposite sex, I have been into them as well. I had a crush and I fell in love. .. but I never settled with anyone after that last someone. I am more on having flings and mutual understandings, and that's it. For me, that's more practical. I don't have to attend too much with them. I don't have the right to get hurt and be attached too much. That was cool, but not necessarily safe. I still have this tendency of being hurt, but I find it minimal than which I have experienced before. 

Well, I have this strange feeling inside me .. I can't figure it out. I was really fond of dreaming about having someone with me right now. Does it mean I am now ready again to accept and engage myself into a relationship? Does it indicate that the fear I had with me for the past three years is now gone?

I want to meet the man who would sing this song for me. :)

There are times when I just want to look at your face
With the stars in the night
There are times when I just want to feel your embrace
In the cold night

I just can't believe that you are mine now
You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be here with forevermore
All those years, I've longed to hold you in my arms
I've been dreaming of you
Every night, I've been watching all the stars that fall down
Wishing you would be mine

Time and again
There are these changes that we cannot end
As sure as time keeps going on and on
My love for you will be forevermore
Wishing you would be mine
I just can't believe that you are mine now
You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
As endless as forever
Our love will stay together
You're all I need to be here with forever more
(As endless as forever
Our love will stay together)
You're all I need
To be here with forevermore...

How I wish a man like this exist.

Jealous

It's so funny to remember how I used to be so jealous of his girl. I was this young lady who secretly likes this man who happened to finally have someone by his side. I really wished that time that I would be that one with him. I am always day dreaming about how would it be if I were her. That was silly, I know. That's one of the funniest memories I had, and the most embarrassing too.

Well, I have just realized that I could never be her. Yes, just now (joke!). Ah .. ok. So kidding aside, I have actually thought about it now and I knew I cannot replace her. I mean, aside from the fact that I COULD REALLY NEVER BE IN HER PLACE, I realized that I CAN NEVER DO WHAT SHE COULD DO. Do you understand my point?

Jealous of the girl who caught your eye
One of my darker days
When you looked at her where was I?
Shoulda been in her place, here I am
All alone imagining what could have been
If I had been there

As I have read and heard this line, I have imagined if I were actually on that same time they have met each other. I know that he won't notice me. Not just because I am not really attractive, but because HE WASN'T REALLY MEANT FOR ME. It's that even though I am on that time, they will still be the perfect couple. That's when I know I believe in destiny. That whatever happens, there's this someone who is really meant for you. That no matter how you believe that it depends on your hands and mind, still, everything seems to follow a plan, and that's what makes love so magical. So even if I was there, HE WOULD STILL CHOOSE HER.

Well, realizing this things doesn't hurt me. I have felt this admiration for him for so long, now, I have finally move on. Sometimes when I hear this song, I remember him and the other guys whom I have been into. This have marked in my life, and it had shared me lessons necessary to live life.

Jealousy is natural. It's an emotion, I think. It becomes a sin when you sin because of it. Personally, I believe that we should not blame anyone when they feel being jealous. I mean, they're human, we are all human, so everyone has felt it, may be in different circumstances, but still it happened for once in your life.

I am not happy that I have experienced this, though I am not ashamed to say that for once I have been jealous with his girl, because that time, it was the indicator that have told me that I was into him. :)

♥ Marry Your Daughter ♥

How I wish I would be the same bride. It's so nice to know that there's this other one who would bravely face my dad and my mom and tell them that he would take care of me for the rest of his life. :) Whenever I hear this song, I feel excited to see my future, who will be the man God had perfectly planned for me and how things will gonna work out when we are already together.

Honestly, I am this 'bitter lady' who never wants to see a happily ever after in a movie and a story, who always wish for a tragic ending, who doesn't want to see anyone having their wedding and a baby. That's how I was...before. Maybe because of the painful experiences I had with having relationships, that's why I became like this.

Somewhat I am still the same, but I'm trying to pull myself away from it. I am now learning to feel free to dream of myself having this wonderful wedding and a happy family. I am now becoming appreciative when I see people happy with their loved ones. I am trying to turn the bitterness into sweetness. :)

Well, I am still young and my priorities for now is my studies. But when this time comes that I will be planning my life with my other half, I wish and I pray that it would be the nicest thing that would ever happen to me. That time, I will not be alone ... because there's this someone whom God had finally given me as my companion. :)

AMAZING! :)

 

1. Focus on red dot in the centre.
2. See what happens to the blue circle.