I am such a failure.

I am upset. I feel sick. While I am on my way home a while ago, I felt really sad. A friend asked something and I've tried to do it but .. I failed. I mean, I made it ... but it wasn't what he wanted. I am never good enough. I can never be good enough for anybody. No wonder God has not given me the 'man' I want because He knows that whoever that man is, I am not capable of giving him his needs. I felt again, that I am a total trash. Aside from being ugly and fat, I can't do anything good. Aside from being stupid and slow, I can't do things perfectly .. I mean .. everything is a mess. I so hate myself. I wish I could die right now. I was actually thinking of jumping off our motorcycle, but I felt sad when I saw my mom and dad. When I kill myself that time and that way, they could see everything and that would make them feel sad. I don't want to hurt my parents. I only want to hurt myself. I should punish myself for being so stupid. 

After everything that happened tonight, all the things that that person has told me before until now came back, and like the old days .. it hurt me. I can never forget everything that he said. I can never forget how it justifies every single bad things about me. 

I shouldn't be hurt. I should be used to it. I should know it was true, but yeah .. the truth hurts. I know I am stupid that I could not follow a simple instruction and can't do what others want me to do, but still I get hurt. 

 I don't really want to cry over such things but .. I just can't help myself. Crying has been my outlet lately. It's a matter of tears or blood. If I didn't cry, I would possibly cut. I choose to cry. But I didn't tell I won't cut.

I felt anger. I've hated that person. I wish I never knew him. I want him out of my life. He's always been like that .. so insensitive. But .. I've realized ... I shouldn't feel this way .. in the first place. I have no right. It's my fault. I'm sorry.

There's no other feeling I have right now but hate for myself. I wanna die. I feel ashamed. I can't face anyone anymore. I am stupid. 

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No, I'm not mad anymore. And even if I want to, I can't. If I get mad, you'd leave me. I have to brace myself. I have to reserve the anger for myself. There's no one to hate but myself. It's my fault. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. I'm sorry that I didn't understand your instruction. I'm sorry that I'm so stupid. I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry. I'm not mad .. I'm only hurt. It wasn't you .. it me.

One of these days ... I will be receiving a big news. Yes, I'm expecting it .. to hurt me. I know I shouldn't be affected, I should be happy, I should not mourn .. but .. I'm so sorry. It's affecting me right now .. how about tomorrow? How about the next days? How about the day when this big news would pop up? 

I must not let it affect me. 

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

Silence please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight .. I don't know if I will be able to at least take a nap. Our neighborhood is a total bullshit. I'm so sorry for the term. I just couldn't explain how annoyed I am the whole day and night. 

When I woke up, I felt extreme heat and the bad smell of smoke in my room. I thought our house is on fire or I'm being grilled alive. Of course my imaginations are not true, it's only our neighbor cooking outside. Yes, cooking outside with that stupid stove they have. It's not the typical stove we have .. it's a cheap version, something that doesn't help mother earth and causes suffocation. I nearly killed me this day. This isn't exaggerated, I felt like I was choking with the smoke they produce and I really thought I will be in asthma attack early in the morning.

They are preparing for the party, a Debut which is being held at the nearby court until this time. Yes, until now. And you know what?! It's so noisy over here. They keep on playing mind-crashing music which I really hate. Whenever I feel upset and tired and annoyed just like now, all I wish for is peace .. which my neighbor can't give. Yes, they could celebrate, but don't they know they are not the only people around the area and there are those like me who wish to have a precious time to sleep tonight, which they have stolen from us. 

I really hate everyone tonight. I hate the man behind my anger tonight and I hate our neighbor for being so selfish. I want to kill .... myself. 

Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span.

Me: I'M IMMORTAL!

So, basically if I'm on my death bed and I'm about to die, I can just be like:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

and live for another 2 days? Then I'd be like:
"ARE YOU MAD?"