I am really sleepy right now and I have to sleep because I've got a mountain of school works waiting all over my room. But then, I feel that I have to do this.... I mean.. posting. This isn't a relevant topic but it is an issue to me personally.

So there's this guy, a former classmate of mine who'd been flirting with me. We've last seen each other for more than a year now, and actually it was the second time we've met since our graduation in Elementary almost ten years ago. That day was unforgettable, though I'd really want to omit that on my memory.

It was a hot summer day (hot, because it's summer and it's a day. duh to myself! hahaha! I'm sorry, I just want to start that way LOL). He invited me for his despedida since he will gone for Australia. I was expecting it was just the two of us, but when I reached in the place where we are supposed to meet, I saw him with another guy. They stood up as I approached him and immediately led me to the car. I was hesitant but he's really begging for me to come along with them for a moment. Since he is a friend of mine, I accepted his invitation, considering that it might be the last time I'd see him. So I sat at the back part with him at this very literally hot car with no air condition with a drunk driver (his companion). While on our way, he asked for a favor.... his 'last favor' before he head to Australia... and that is, for me to pretend to be his girlfriend. He said that he told his friends he will be fetching up his girlfriend (me). I was really shocked and that time I really wanted to smack him with my fist. Anyway I kept myself calm until we came to the location. It was a house, and I don't know who the hell owns it. And you know what? I am the only girl there! I was really getting nervous at that time, with all the half-drunk men in the garage. He provided me a seat next to him. He tried to hold my hand and get closer to me, just to show them that we are what he told them. But I can't do it. He was whispering to me that I should just go with the flow but I just can't. For like five minutes (which is a lifetime to me) of sitting, I finally made up my mind that I should get up and go out with or without his consent. Of course I never forgot the polite way of saying goodbye, but I did it very quick because I am not happy with what's going on there. This former classmate of mine took the initiative to walk me outside to the other street where we've waited for a tricycle to appear. While waiting, he confessed his feelings for me, but he sad because I failed to attend to his last request. I told him I can't pretend, that it is something that we shouldn't fake. Then he asked me another favor, with all his teary eyes and begging face, that before we say goodbye, I'd give him a kiss. Yes, a kiss and I was like "Ok I have to go". But I didn't do that. I told him I can't kiss him because the only man I want to kiss is my boyfriend who is patiently and worriedly waiting for me in the convenient store near that area. He did this really sad face and good thing a tricycle finally came in to my rescue. In the tricycle I can't stop myself from shivering, though it's a hot day. When I alighted, I was rushing to that convenient store and when I saw my ga there, I started crying and I hugged him immediately. I was so scared and I only found relief when I am already with him.

 After that incident we didn't talk anymore, I didn't even know when he went to Australia. But after a year through Facebook, we had our way to communicate again, until now. So lately, he was chatting with me. Because my ga and I already broke up and I was really hurt, I've tried to ride with my former classmate's flirting ... but I just can't. Not because I feel guilty for being such a bitch, but because I've realized that it's really hard to flirt with someone you don't love. Well as think about those people who can mingle with another person while "loving" someone else, I can't help but say to myself, "wow, how did they do that? it's hard you know." It really is. When I am flirting with him, I can feel all the hairs in my arms rise up, and I feel like I want to puke. I am so disgusted with myself, that's why I've stopped doing it after that one time I did it. Just this night he messaged me telling me that he missed me, that he wants to talk with me before he sleeps and he wants me to fond but I CAN'T. I told him to just sleep. I CAN'T DO IT. I'M DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF WHENEVER OUR CONVERSATION STARTS!

Of course I don't want to ruin our friendship, and I know he'd not allow that to happen too. But if it is what is required to do, then I won't hesitate. This is so pathetic of me, but I can't force myself to love another man. I can live a single life forever if God won't send my prince, but I will never flirt again just so I could move on from the past love I've been. For now I will be contented as I am. Never will I try to flirt again with someone I don't feel anything special with. It's so disgusting, I'm telling you.