than waste my time talking and texting with you ............

Again, for once, I've remembered that one scary night ...................

I know I've promised that I'll move on about this thing. But I really can't. This is one of the most hurtful things I've received from someone I really care about. This is a kind of a slap on my both cheeks. I don't want to hear those words again .. ever. It only sums up that I am nothing, which is true. Well, I'm still thankful to him for telling this to my face. At least I know. At least he's been honest. At least now I know how everyone who talks and texts me feels .... He's only this one honest and brave guy who could tell me what others are hiding inside. I really thank him for it.


-------------------------

Oh well, I would rather turn off my pc and sleep now than think about you all this time ....

I want to breathe ....

I was walking earlier on my way home from my aunt's house. I was thinking about this thing that happened to bother me overnight. Then, I've tried breathing hard, I mean, inhaling and exhaling to the fullest extent .. some kind of a release. I was so disappointed with the smell I wasn't supposed to sense, but then it wasn't the real thing that would ever discourage me to breathe hard again. 

It's really about that choking feeling inside. I know it wasn't air that I need. I have been well-sustained by oxygen around. But I really feel like there's something that stops me from enjoying inhaling and exhaling. I don't mean any serious health conditions here .. I am referring to that feeling when you're hurt. Have you ever experienced that? Like it hurts so much it feels like you're drowning and slowly dying inside. That's what I've felt. I only wish that whenever I feel that way, I should really drown myself and die, literally.

Well, I regret that I didn't enjoyed the fresh air when I was in Tagaytay for a retreat. I could have inhaled and exhaled a lot there. I could have forget all the pains I am going through, and just live perfectly for a day. But I didn't. I've wasted my stay there. I really regret it. 

I am really not good enough, because if I were, God would have given me to you. I should be enough for your need, but I wasn't. And that's what makes me want to die right now.

I feel like I'm choking...

.knowing that you don't love me. 

..knowing that you love her. 

...knowing that you're happy with her. 

....knowing that you talk to me when you have no choice.

.....knowing that you think about me just when something lets you remember me.

......knowing that I can never ever have you.

.......knowing that I wasn't the one for you. 

........knowing that someone else is doing what I want to do for you.

.........knowing that someone has already given her life to you.

..........knowing that someone kisses you now.

...........knowing that I can't hug you.

............knowing that I can't even tell you I love you.