I mourn for myself today. I feel really sad and empty. The silence in our house kills me. The fact that I am all alone the whole day makes me wonder if someone out there missed me. It was like the most unproductive day I had. The loneliness I felt this past few days eats me up, to the point that I can't do anything the whole day. It was like I lost interest at everything. I felt tired. I feel lazy the whole day. It's as if I can't move. I actually want to do something, but I don't know why it seems I can't move. You know what stops me? Myself of course.
I want to scream but I can't. Of course, it would freak out the whole neighborhood. I am currently crying, and that's what I did the whole day. I can't stop myself. I mean, Of course I have breaks in crying like, "wait, I have to do something else except crying" but when the urge to cry is there, I can't help but give in. I can't exactly figure out why. I just feel like it. No, I mean, it's what I need. I feel this pain inside me, I don't know where it came from. It's like ah!!! (here I am, crying again).
I hate myself being this weak. I admit that I was born emotional, but sometime in my life I have stopped crying about everything. And now, here it is again. I shed tears on simple stuffs, not only that, I cry for no reason at all. Or, let's just say that there's a reason, there's a lot of reasons actually, but I just can't figure out what because it's a lot.
I have considered cutting again, but unfortunately, my blades are gone (because I have promised that I will not self-injure again). But I think it's the only way I could find relief. I mean, yeah, I'm crazy, but you won't understand unless you're in the situation. I felt an extreme pain inside and in order to calm myself, I have to have a physical pain. No other way, I guess, I had only two options: to cut or to cry. Now I've cried the whole day, and I may say that it wasn't enough. My system finds more than it.
I am worthless. I am a trash. I so hate myself. I have been a burden to everybody. I hate myself because I can't make those people around me happy. It's like I always bring bad luck with me.
I am human. I need someone to talk to, which for 19 years I lack. No one wants to hear my story. Anyway it's nonsense. But why don't I have this friend whom I could tell everything? Talking with someone might as well lessen the pains inside my heart. (I can't stop crying, help!).
There's nothing good about me. I am ugly, I am fat, I am bad, I am nothing. I actually fear tomorrow. I don't know where will I find myself. I am so torn that every piece of me is scattered anywhere... I could hardly find myself. I don't know what to do...
I've considered attending in the Catholic Life in the Spirit Seminar near our school, because I know it's something that would help me out. But when I remember how people used to tell me that I am always attending yet I am still the worst they've ever known .... I don't think it would be a good idea. I'd rather stay here in our house, lock myself in and never show up to anyone, than be there and just disappoint God.
< I'm sorry Lord, I am this bad. >
Now, no one wants to talk to me, no one wants to see me, no one has even texted me, "hey, how are you? still alive?". I don't matter to anyone. My existence is not important to them. They're happier when they do not see me. Yes, I am bad for pitying myself like this. I know I'm bad. I know, I know, I know. I know that no one likes me either. I know that. And I will never forget that fact for the rest of my life.
