You hate me?! ... well ... I HATE MYSELF MORE!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a very strange dream yesterday. I didn't know I was asleep ... it feels so real. The scene was I was lying on my back in the kitchen when suddenly a tall man, who happens to be my 'boyfriend' in that dream came to me and begin cuddling. I wasn't stopping him, knowing that he's my 'boyfriend', yet I can't hide the disgust that I'm feeling which is very apparent on how I continually push him away every time he tries to get closer and closer to me. Then after a few moments,he tried to kiss me on  my lips, which of course I forcefully get rid of. I  felt only one thing all throughout the scene ....  disgust. Though the man  is actually good looking (I even told him on my dream that he looked like John Estrada which I first mistakenly called John Lloyd), I don't feel at least attracted to him at all. And you know what? I actually uttered the words "It's still him" while picturing the most handsome face of my  ... GA. Then after that I was finally awoken by my father. 

Upon getting up, I've realized one thing.... I don't think I will ever enjoy another relationship again. I even thought about not getting married, which is sad because I dreamed of wearing a gown and walking down the aisle of a church... but I just ... don't feel like being on it anymore,... knowing the fact that the man that I want to wait for me at the end of the aisle and would grab my arms and will bring me in front of the altar had already been gone in my life. :( Yes, my conclusions are non sense and it's not right  for me  to  draw conclusions and think ahead, but it's what I feel right now so please respect me. LOL. Kidding aside, I hope you know that feeling when you have all the interest on something yet you know it isn't coming ... which is, in my case... getting married to the man I really, really love. 

It's too early for me to tell these things, and no one knows, not even me... what will happen on the next days and years of my life. It's either I'd have him again, I'd have someone new, and what's worst, not having anyone for the rest of my life. Of course of all three, I'd better get the latter, which is the worst that could happen but far more reasonable and better for me. Having him again is .... ah .... 1/99 chances. :((((((( And I don't think I'd love that to happen ... though deep inside I still want it. I mean, you  know that feeling when you want something yet you don't love to have it? I may want him back, but I don't think it would be the best for  me. After everything that happened between us, I don't think I still have all the guts to say 'yes' again. With  regards to meeting someone new .......................... oh ............ I don't know, but what's for sure is that I don't want to be madly, deeply in love again with any other man. And for now ... like what happened on my dream ...  I don't want to be in another man's arms ..... it's just way too disgusting, I'm  sorry.