I would now sneak into my room, curl up in bed, read a book until I fall asleep. :)

Oh, look at what she's reading! I miss my favorite book, The Time Traveler's Wife. 

Anyway, I am now reading a new book which my sister have brought yesterday. :) 

Good night!

places i want to be with YOU before i die. :) #94

IT'S GETTING NEAR AND I'M SO EXCITED. 1 MONTH TO GO AND I'M FREE!!!!

My former friend had some trouble with her new friend and I was like ....

I've had a lot of scars from the last time I tried to comfort myself using my blades. A classmate of mine shared that when she feels terribly hurt inside, physically hurting herself gives her relief. That's exactly what I've been through.

 On the other hand, the guidance counselor in our school told me that I should have alternative means of release other than hurting myself. But it seems it's the best way, because it gives immediate relief of my heart. It's better to feel physical pain than endure a heartbreak that kills you slowly. Anyway, I have not cut myself for about .... two months now. I'm glad I didn't. The urge wasn't that strong when you are happy. Lately, I've been very busy making myself appreciate the things around me and forget about the negatives, so the blades were kept safe and sound in their place. I just hope that the day I'll be needing it again would not come too fast. I know one day I'll pick it up again and let it kiss my skin until it shed its own tears of blood. But not now. I hope never again.

always. ..

nothing but yourself. stand up and let everyone know that changes doesn't make you weak. :)

Bwahahahahaha!

things I want to do with you #1

Stargazing

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart forever. ♥

I was having a good chat with a classmate at school while waiting for my professor to arrive when she asked me if the chapel was open. I said no, because the janitor have already locked it up. Then she told me that whenever she's alone and had no one to talk to, she places herself in our chapel and talk with God. At first, I thought she's kidding, but when I looked straight in her eyes, I knew she meant it. 

I've just thought about those days that I was alone. I feel like I'm dying inside, there's no one to turn to and it seems like everyone's staring at me and thinks I'm weird (which I suppose, somewhat true). I really fear being alone, and most of all, being left behind. It's the worst thing that could ever happen to me.. which is funny because I always end up to a situation like that and I'm still not used to it. Anyway, I'm human, and the need for companionship is so extreme to the extent that I feel sick when I have no one around. Well, let's put it in a much clearer way. There's everybody around but you still feel so alone, and that sucks. 

My whole life, I am always alone. Like now. All I have with me is my computer and my books, which are very useful but they do not respond like human. And besides, the warmth and the human touch is something so magical ... nothing on earth could comfort you more than it does. It's what I badly need right now ... and I may say that it's the reason why I get too attached to people who show care for me ... because it's what I long for and I'm craving for it.

But at some point, being alone is better. Like what a classmate once said, what is happening right now, may be too bad for us right now, but it could possibly be a training ground that God had given to prepare us for what the future may bring. Anyhow, my present situation teaches a lot of things to me every single day, and believe it or not, the fear that builds up inside me is fading away. I should not focus on its negative side, but extract all the positives that would be very useful for me as a surviving tribute here in this chaotic world. :) 

I'll just never forget one of my favorite verses ... which keeps me on track. 

"All things work together for good for those who love God .... " - Romans 8:28

To my favorite teacher, told me never give upTo my fifth grade crush, who I thought I really lovedTo the guys I miss, and the girls we kissed Where are you now?
To my ex-best friends, don't know how we grew apartTo my favorite bands, and sing-alongs in my carTo the face I see in my memoriesWhere are you now?
Where are you now? 'Cause I'm thinking of youYou showed me how, how to live like I doIf it wasn't for you, I would never be who I am
To my first girlfriend I thought for sure was the oneTo my last girlfriend, sorry that I screwed it upTo the ones I loved, but didn't show it enoughWhere are you now?
Where are you now? 'Cause I'm thinking of youYou showed me how, how to live like I doIf it wasn't for you, I would never be who I am
I know we'll never see those days againAnd things will never be that way againBut that's just how it goes, people change, but I knowI won't forget you
To the ones who cared and who were there from the startTo the love that left and took a piece of my heartTo the few who'd swear I'd never go anywhereWhere are you now?
Where are you now? 'Cause I'm thinking of youYou showed me how, how to live like I doIf it wasn't for you, I would never be who I amIf it wasn't for you, I would never be who I amIf it wasn't for you, I'd be nothingWhere are you now? 

good night. :/

1. I play scenes in my mind, from memories to dreams of me and you together.

2. I practice the things I want to say to you when we meet again.

3. I have endless "what IFs"
-What if I meet you tomorrow?

-What if you asked me out again?

-What if you say you still love me?

-What if you've already forgotten me?

-What if you ignore me when you see me?

-What if you tell me you never really did love me?

-What if .... what if ... we won't see each other ever again?

4. I make plans for the next day ... plans to be happy even you're not here.

5. I think of all the people I miss ... and it's only you who actually registers in my thoughts.

6. I think of all the ones I hate ... and I end up thinking about me and you. I hate you as much as I hate myself.

7. I ask myself a lot of questions ...

Like...

-Will we ever see each other again?

-Have you ever loved me for real?

-Do you miss me?

-Do you think about me at least once a day?

-Would you still remember me?

-Do you still wear our bracelet?

-Do you still play the songs we used to sing and listen to?

-Do I have a memory in you?

-Do you care about me?

-Did you just fooled around with me?

-Are my instincts and suspicions true?

-Is it time to let go and forget about waiting for you?

-Are we still friends?

-Would you talk to me when we meet?

-Would you have the courage to approach me when you see me?

-Or, would you just run away from me, turn your back and forget about me forever?

I'M ACTUALLY MORE THAN GLAD. I'M BLESSED. SO BLESSED. I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT. 

I always ask my sister to do a lot of things and become disappointed in the end. Like after I've seen how she did it and what the outcome was, I think to myself that I should be the one who did it. And this photo above is a slap on my face. I really have to do things myself. :) At least, if the result is upsetting, the only one to blame is myself. And anyway, it was I who did it so what I want to be right and what I know is right would be what is shown that is right for my eyes. Get it?!