BEHIND MY SMILES ARE TONS OF DEATH THREATS.

It was ........

on my 18th birthday. You told me to treat you all because it's my day. I really want to, but I don't know how to invite you, knowing that none of you had the courage to accompany  me or even have small talks with me that time. I end up forgetting about the idea and just celebrate with my friends somewhere else. I don't have any friends at school, and you ....you were one of those that I really like to know. Right from the start, it's you whom I really want. ... and I'm not like you, because I mean everything that I've said and until now I know it's all true ..................

I'm such a fool to even remember this. Anyway it was just a small talk. I couldn't even call it one, because I had not responded. It happened two times on that day. First is when we are going to the Cooperative, me ahead of all of you, my classmates. You noticed my shirt and you were surprised that I was in a CAT in high school, which sounds you were underestimating me. I didn't mind though. Nothing you said made me hate you, if you know what I mean here. It's what you did, just for clarification. The second incident was what I have mentioned earlier. 

Those times were the best memories I had. Every memory I have about you are the most cherished treasures of my life. I may hate you for what you did, but it could never wash away the love I felt for you ... ~

THE REWARD THAT I DESERVE.

I AM. EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE.

I badly need a book to read right now. Though I still have lots of unread ones in my shelves, I want something that would be of my real interest. I want something that could bring me out in this reality for a while. I want a book that could make me forget. But well, I don't have enough money to go buy a new one. I had lost all my money on a store that isn't even earning. I hate my life, and I need a book to at least brace me for a while. 

Alam mo yung feeling na .... ikaw,.. alam mong ok ka na pero alam mo rin na konting bagay lang maaapektuhan ka pa. Na alam mo sa sarili mo na nakakabangon ka na pero konting sagi lang pwede kang matumba ulit? Tapos yung taong nanakit sayo .... kakamustahin ka bigla na parang walang nangyari... na parang di ka niya sinaktan ng sobra-sobra, na parang wala kayong nakaraan. Yung tipong pinamumukha niya sayo na siya ok na ok na ...... at ikaw .. alam mo na araw-araw ... pinaghihirapan mong mabuti na maging ok ka na. Na may lakas pa siya ng loob na kamustahin ka matapos ng ginawa niyang pang iiwan sayo na parang aso ka lang na pinagsawaan na niya. Ang sakit. Di ko mapigilan maiyak. Paano ako nagagawang tratuhin ng ganito ng mga  tao. Naging mabuti naman ako sa kanila ah. Sana naman magising ako isang araw na kahit isang tao sa paligid ko may pakialam sakin. Sana pagmulat ng mata ko may taong magpapakita sakin na mali silang lahat, na di sila dapat ganito sakin. Grabe. Ang sarap lang talagang magpakamatay. As in ngayon na. ://////

Can I get into heaven if I kill myself?

Heaven is what's keeping me from doing it. I still haven't gathered enough courage to face the consequence of what I would do. But it seems the best escape I have from this life I am in right now. I know I am not in the worst situation, but being in  my  shoe isn't that real good either. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I wish I was strong enough to kill myself right now. But I fear God, and I fear taking something that's isn't even mine. I wish I have not received this life, for they all call it a gift. It's not a good one for me. I don't deserve it, and someone else does. I want to die now. Please Lord, take my life.

I’d dress nicer but I don't have the money or body.