I'm actually not in the mood to do anything now, even posting here on my blog. Though I have a lot of things in mind, I don't have the guts to spurt it all out. I don't mean being lazy, it's just that I'm again undergoing my 'depressive days'. These days were the times when I feel too empty inside and completely stupid and useless that I just want to die. I don't really want to be in this situation, but it happens .... it just happens. Anyway, I've forced myself now to post because at least it could reduce the loneliness I'm feeling inside. At least posting is better than physically hurting myself right?! And I'm really trying my best not to go that far, though the urge is getting stronger as the days passes by.
I miss being happy... being really, really, really happy. I admit that I felt that in the most vivid times of my life, and the last time I remembered I was in cloud 9? Last year. Though I felt sadness and I've cried a lot, there's no doubt that I've been the happiest that I could ever be last year. Now I'm finding it too hard to recollect myself and start again. I know it's my fault, but it's kinda hard to be really happy especially now. Yes, happiness is a choice, and I really have chosen to be happy. But it's still hard you know. I can't act as if everything's ok. It's not.
I wish I could be someone, would be someone of value. I wish I could do a lot. I wish I wasn't as dumb as I am right now. Oh well, I guess all I can do is continue my struggle, and at a lot of prayers as well. Lately I've been getting away again. :(
