There's always a little pain behind every ''it's okay'', love behind ''i hate you'' & I need you behind every ''leave me alone''.

Depression.

People who think depression is a choice: take a second to think. How would it feel to wake up and not have the emotional strength to face people…to think that time is just passing by with no real reason…to feel so alone, even when you are sitting in a room full of people…to have to put on a face and hide your feelings because no one would care anyway…to lose friends because you can’t find the strength to go out and you can’t physically be ‘happy’…to cry yourself to sleep, hoping you won’t wake up, then when you do, you are exhausted from the night before, and it all starts again. You try to hide your feelings hoping no one will notice, and if you slip up, all you get called is attention-seeking and ‘emo’. Now, tell me why someone would choose that? Depression is an illness, not a choice.

Yes, of course. I don't care about you, Bro. Ernie. Hate me? I don't care!

We're living in a world with full of hypocrites...live your life the way you want and be happy regardless of what other people might say...they wont be living your life,only you know what makes you happy..forget those judgmental people around you and be happy...we pass this way of life only once,so choose to be happy instead of living in darkness and regrets....

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You think that you are in love with him because you miss him. But no, you’re just stuck in a state of mind where you are lonely and wanting to be with someone who appreciates you.

At nakakaloka lang naman ang iyak ng newborn baby sa kapitbahay namin. :/ bitter nanaman ako . tsk. sana lumaki na yung baby na yun. haizt!

Preach. Preacher. Preaching.

So eto .. katatapos ko lang i-print yung assignment ni Sam pati yung sakin .. tungkol sa Preaching. Tae .. wala rin yung mahabang tulog ko kanina .. eto puyat ako pati ang PC ko. Haizt! Tetris Battle pa kasi. Ainako.

Hmm .. napansin ko lang .. nung busy ako ... ayun nakalimutan ko problema ko, may mga natutunan pa ko. Ganun lang pala no? Hahaha! Bigla ko ngang na-realize na ayoko ng mamroblema .. kasi nahihirapan lang ako at the same time .. parang lalo ko lang pinu-push away ang mga tao. Sana hindi pa late and desisyon kong wag ng ma-depress ... hai. Si Bro hindi nagreply. Galit kaya yun? Wag naman sana. Hainako talaga.

Gusto ko ng matulog ... at eto matutulog na nga. Hindi dahil inaantok ako kundi dahil .. gusto kong harapin ang bukas ng masaya. Ayoko ng ma-badtrip. Bahala na yung mga tao kung ano tingin nila sakin. Hay.

Pero teka .. may naalala ako. May kwento nga pala ako. Kanina .. diba nga preaching ang assignment ko .. naalala ko nung high school ako .. ay, elementary muna ..syempre nagmula ako sa isang Catholic school na pinamumunuan ng mga madre. So, pini-persuade ako ng mga nuns dun na magmadre na rin .. which is, hindi ko naman ni-reject pero hindi ko rin naman masyadong kinonsider. Sa landi ko nung elementary, tingin mo ba maiisip ko pang mag-madre?! hahaha! 

Tapos nung high school ako .. bali . .. pagka-2nd year ko, naimpluwensyahan ako ng aking mahal na adviser. Nawili akong magbasa ng mga inspirational books lalo na yung tungkol kay Lord. At isa pa sa nahawa ako .. yung tipong pagpi-preach niya. Si Sir kasi noon, simpleng preacher e. Tawag nga namin sa kanya minsan, "pari" kasi mahilig siyang mag "homily" sa homeroom namin. Puro tungkol kay Lord at application sa buhay na mala-philisophy ang approach. So ayun nga, na-adapt ko yun. Pagka-3rd year ko, naging president ako ng klase .. at tuwing homeroom, dahil wala ang aming adviser (busy sa ibang section) .. ako ang nagsasalita sa gitna .. at nagpi-preach. Like, I'd pick a verse tapos ididiscuss sa class. Hilig kong magshare ng experiences and nababasa ko noon. Sabi nga nila, anak nga daw ako ni Sir kasi pareho kami. Nung naging student assistant ako, ginawa ko rin ito. :)) 

Fourth year, hindi na ako masyadong nagsasalita sa gitna .. pero nung nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong magsalita ginawa ko naman. Pero mahilig naman akong magshare sa mga kaibigan ko .. kaya marami din akong naging kaibigan noon kasi kahit sino kinakausap ko .. may tumawag pa nga sakin na "guidance counselor" e. 

Nung nalipat ako sa Muntinlupa, ayun nga, nag-decline ang spiritual life ko. Pero pagka-2nd sem parang bumalik yung interest ko .. dahil sa mga kasama ko na member ng Youth for Christ at Singles for Christ. So ayun .... nag-pray ako for "spiritual restoration" ... at bilang tugon ni Lord, ako ay nailipat sa ... CDW. At eto ... sa kasalukuyan .. ako ay nagte-take ng AB EVANGELIZATION .. at pinag-aaralan ko ngayon ay tungkol sa preaching. Ako rin ay exposed ngayon sa mga preachers... at ako rin, bilang mag-aaral doon at bilang Katoliko ay ineexpect na mag-preach.

Nakakaloka lang isipin .. hindi ko akalain na dito ako babagsak. Parang pwede na ring sabihin na yung mga ginagawa ko noon. foreshadowing ng mangyayari ngayon. Kaya tuloy feeling ko, destined talaga akong maging preacher. I mean, not literally preacher (kasi panlalaki daw yun) .. pero kung may pagkakataon,gusto ko yun. Gusto kong patunayan na hindi lang panlalaki ang preaching. Well, sa totoo lang, di naman ako choosy sa course ko ngayon .. kuntento ako. Yun nga lang, feeling ko minsan di ako pwede sa course na to kasi ... masama ako. Well, preaching is for conversion nga e. Tsaka tingin ko talaga ito ang tugon ni Lord sa prayer ko noon... na prayer ko pa rin ngayon.

So .. do I deserve to be one? Hindi naman ba pangit? Hindi naman siguro. I do this for the glory of God. I do this as way of thanking Him for His goodness. :)))

Super blessed ako ngayong gabi. Naging masalimuot man ang buong araw ko .. at least, I'll end up and begin happy. :))) Thanks be to God! Good night people! :))))

You left me just when I needed you most ... T_T

Wala rin yung 4 hours na tulog ko kanina .... haizt.

I keep my self busy with the things i do, but every time i pause I still think of you.

Walang reply. OK. :/

it's lonely in the modern world~

like, you don't notice I exist until I leave you ..

Nobody notices what I do until I don't do it.

... of myself.

So I am INDIFFERENT. I hate myself so much.

Don’t be cold to someone you care about, 'coz indifference hurts more than angry words...

Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t expect someone to read your mind, and don’t play games with heads or hearts.

Never trust a person that say "don't tell her I told you" because whatever you tell her, she is gonna tell the next person & say the same thing.

I wish I was important to you .. .. Kahit sayo na lang .. magiging masaya na ko. Kahit ayaw sakin ng iba .. basta ikaw mananatili ka .. ok na ko.

I'm sorry .. I wasn't good enough. T_T

>I don't want to eat.

>I don't want to sleep.

>I don't want to talk with anybody.

>I don't want to do anything.

>I don't want to see anything.

>I don't want to be with anyone.

>I don't want to study.

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>I just want to die right now.

Really???? I hope so.

I hope I can.

But no one's here. :/

People sometimes just need someone to tell them everything would be ok. You don't really have to ask them what's going on ... it helps but there is more important than that .. and that is motivation. I wonder why people have always been so distant when you needed them most. I mean, you're struggling something and one by one, they are all leaving you behind. It seems like they are too afraid to you, when all you really want is their presence. That's what I've experienced today. I'm near to quitting again .. but then, I remembered I promised suicide would be last in my list .. but honestly, I am halfway through it. 

I feel so alone. I need someone to talk to. Maybe not about my problem itself, just someone whom I know would be there. I am really poor in friends. They say I have a lot, but where are they now? At school early this morning, a lot of people are ensuring a certain distance from me. No one dared to talk. I'm really that scary?

Yes, I know I am a bad person .. someone you'd never want to encounter in your lifetime. But they say not everyone around would hate you .. there are these true people who believes in you and cares for you. In my case, where are they? Why is it that when someone hates me, everyone does? Am I that worst, that the hatred against me spreads like fire? 

Oh well .. as I always say, move on. But you know me .. I just put it in words .. but I never really moved on about anything. I hate myself for it. I suffer because of myself .. no one is worthy of the blame but me.

Sometimes we're friends, sometimes we're more than friends and sometimes I'm just a stranger to you.

Itutulog ko na lang ang lahat. Sana paggising ko mamaya .. ok na. Limot ko na. Yung parang walang nangyari. Sana .. kayanin ko.

Wag mong hayaang makita ka niyang nahihirapan. .. kasi mas masasaktan ka lang pag nakita mong wala siyang pakialam. ..

Please lang. Wag ka ng umarte pa na may pakialam. Kasi kung meron, hindi mo ko dededmahin nung mismong araw na feeling ko ang option ko na lang ay ang sumuko. Kasi kung may pakialam ka talaga, hindi mo hahayaang umiiyak ako ngayon. Alam kong hindi ako mahalaga sayo .. kaya nga e .. antanga ko talaga. Alam ko naman, pero umaasa pa rin ako na magpakita ka ng kahit na kaunting atensyon man lamang. Yun na lang ang hinihingi ko e. .. di mo pa maibigay. Akala ko ba kaibigan kita? Umuulan ngayon .. nasan ka? Sabi mo di ako mag iisa sa mga panahong tulad nito. Nasan ka? Tulad ka rin nila. Pare-pareho kayo. Tulad ka ng lahat .. iiwan ako pag may problema na. Ang galing niyo. Magsama- sama kayo. Alam kong kasalanan ko kung bakit ganito ang nangyayari sakin ngayon .. pero sana naman .. presensya mo lang .. kailangan ko lang ng kausap.. di mo pa kayang ibigay??

Please be careful with your words .. it might trigger me to forget about you one day. :/

No. When I think of you, I feel so alone. Know why? Because I know the moment I am thinking about you, you were happy with someone else .. and it kills me inside and out.

I don't think I mean anything to you.

I really thought he loves me. 

His actions, his words, his cares .. it all tells me that I mean something to him and most especially, he had feelings for me. 

But one night, when we saw each other and talked, that's when I realized the truth ... that he's not in love with me. That I am something he uses for a pastime (which he openly admit). I am someone he wants to talk with when no one's around. I am someone he doesn't really care about (which is strongly affirmed by his actions lately, just when I needed him most).

It's ok. I mean, I don't really care if he loves me the way I do or not. The big deal is that, he's not even a friend to me. He doesn't understand me. He doesn't care about what I feel. He never ask me what's wrong in a sincere way .. it always seems like it's his duty to do that as a friend, but he doesn't really give a damn about it. He's just there when I'm happy. He always misunderstood my words, not like how I try to always understand his. I should always affirm to all that he wants, which makes things worst on my part. 

Whenever I think about it, it hurts me. I feel tired as well. I don't know how long I could take this. There are times I really want to give up (just like now) .. I mean, sometimes, I think about telling him to stay out of my life .. but I know myself .. I know ... I know I can't bear the pain when he's gone. I'll just wait for that moment when he voluntarily quits. Tell me I'm stupid, but I pray it won't happen. I am tired, but I want to try my best not to, just to make him stay in my life forever. That's how I loved him. I love him so much, more than myself, but not more than God, of course. 

I wish I'd meet someone who'd love me more than what I can give. Not necessarily an opposite sex, but someone .. who could be a true friend to me. Who would try to understand me no matter what. Who will always listen up on my cares. Who will not scold me up when I am already feeling bad. Who will stand with me in the stormy days of my life. I want a friend. A true friend who'll love me. A friend who'll not just dedicate songs to me, but will act according to the words they had promised.

Bitter :/

There are two things that I have always been bitter... 

ayoko na.

ayoko na.

ayoko na.

ayoko na talaga.

They made her perfectly. :/

Tetris battle made me feel better. .. such a nice stress reducer. :) 

I hope and I pray that tomorrow would be a wonderful day. ...

Good night! :))

Those people who don’t try to understand you well are those who don’t deserve to be your friend.

I wonder if I've met the person I'm going to end up marrying.

SUCKS.

That feeling when you talk to someone you know you can never be with.

He came at night, exposed my body, got on top of me, touched me, he bit, sucked, swallowed, and when he was satisfied, he left
I was hurt . . .
bloody . . .
STUPID MOSQUITO! XD

One of the best lessons I've learned this year.

Don't expect things to happen. It's better to be surprised than to be disappointed.

It's hard to forget people who left you a lot of songs to remember, right? Well, those people are worth the cherish .. but most of them are bound to leave. Yeah, it hurts but .. it's true. And when you hear those songs you've shared before .. you'll just see yourself reminiscing everything and trying to stop every tear that would fall in you cheek.

Always,

change the date to Nov. 30th.

I remembered the first semester from first year until the first semester in second year. 

Friday is my last tiresome day. 

Saturday is supposed to be my rest day. 

Sunday has been the most stressful day. 

Monday is they day I fear most. 

Tuesday sucks.

Wednesday lowers the tension.

Thursday is the most awaited day. 

Now, it's different. My schedules are a lot more lighter .. and the subjects too. I love it this way. :))

I'm always like this. hahaha!

So True.

Things are possible in dreams.

Try to look beyond what your eyes can see.

Lately, I have been fantasizing about my death. I imagine throwing myself off a high place. I dream of seeing a lot of blood flow out of my veins. I think of swallowing every sleeping pill I have until I won't wake up anymore. Sometimes I see myself doing it at school, sometimes at home. But I more like it to do at school. I want every people there to realize that I've done such thing because of them. No, it's not that i really blame them about everything. I more like blame myself .. that's why I will end up quitting that way. I just want them to see what they want to see. They want me gone, I want myself gone too. 

Each day, I am close to doing it... but when I remember the Lord, I end up throwing the idea out of my head. I wonder if I killed myself, I would still have the privilege to enter heaven. They say I wouldn't. Killing myself is a huge sin. When I think about of taking my life, I fear that I will end up experiencing an everlasting pain in hell. I don't want that. I want to quit because I can't take the pains anymore .. but if I'll undergo more pain after it, it's better to stay here and just do things that would earn me the happiness I have long been wishing for. I'll just have to wait, and while waiting, I'll have to do good things and serve the Lord. That's what I have to do. I should not take something that isn't mine in the first place, which is, my life. 

This motivates me to choose to live. I don't know how far it would go, but I swear .. I would take suicide in the last lists of my options. I will not quit. I will not say never, but I'll try my very best not to.

PLEASE, BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR WORDS.

wonderful. ♥

I wish I had someone like this too.

They are mostly something I don't have the courage to say. :/

I hope it would be better.

will there be someone out there who'd love me no matter what?

I AM HAPPY AT HOME.

I AM TOTALLY RUINED AT SCHOOL.

Last Thursday, my sister told me that she needs to email her project to her teacher. So I tried to open hid email address, but then I failed. I have no other choice but to change her password. The process have not taken that long. At the end of the procedure .. as I was about to celebrate the success of changing to a new password .. something caught my eye. In the upper right side of the window, there is a message box which says, "Ready to move on?". I thought it was something like an advertisement or what ... but it was there for a purpose. .. it was the last button I have to click. Well, other than that .. it also had another purpose ... to literally ask me if I'm ready to move on. hahaha! Life just goes like that. Simple things you thought have nothing to do with you actually have. Yes, I may be translating or interpreting it the other way around .. but what matters is that how it work for me. Well .. I could say that I have moved on now on some other things. When I say I do, I really do. But it took a lot of time and courage to do it. Oh well, at the end of it, thanks for that amazing reminder in yahoo mail. :)))

I have print screen that window but unfortunately it was deleted. :/ But swear this did happened.

I want to burst into tears again. I want to shout. I really wish I have someone to talk to right now. I don't know how long I could take this inside. But whenever I feel sad, there's no one around. Every people seems so distant. No one's interested. No one's ready to listen. No one is good enough to give away comfort. This sucks. This really sucks.

Life is a lot more colorful. :))

Ang pangit ko na nga, lalo pa kong pumangit. Eyebags, tapos umiyak pa ko .. hay. Badtrip naman o! Wala na talaga akong pag-asang gumanda pa!

I AM HURT 

I CRY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

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I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO

I AM TOTALLY ALONE

EVERYONE HATES ME

Your presence and time means a lot to me.

Titles.

I am really poor at making titles. That's the worst part of everything. Like, when we are instructed to write essays .. I feel very calm when suddenly .. the teacher would remind us that we should put our own titles. That surely ruins my life. I'm really having a hard time in making titles. I don't know, maybe I'm just pressured because they always say that anything with good titles is worth the read .. and I really fear that my work won't even have a single reader because of how poor I am in making titles. Well, this is proven ... look at how worst my titles in this blog are. :/

This is how normally relationships go. .. but I pray that I would meet the man where I'd only experience until the stage of 'boyfriend/girlfriend' and then we'll jump into marriage. I mean ... I would want it to be perfect. I am willing to wait as long as I'd achieve it. It doesn't matter if I'm still single for now .. I'm not in a rush for a relationship. I want it to be sure .. I mean .. I would want it to be finalized. I am really praying for it. ♥

I wish I also knew I'll love you .. it would probably hurt less.

I really wish I knew I will fall for you the first time I saw you. I wish I have felt it. I wish I had the chance to warn and stop myself. I know, it would surely hurt less ... but it won't make my life happier than it is right now.

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I remembered when I was in first year college, we are instructed by our NSTP professor to prepare a speech about anything we want. he just wants us to talk in front. So I've prepared a speech which tackles about chain messages. My introduction was an example of a chain message normally received in cellphones. So in front of the class, I stood while looking at the floor .. and then I faced the audiences, smiled and uttered the words "I LOVE YOU". You know what? The first person my eyes have spotted right after I lift up my head is HIM. I will never ever forget that scenario. Of course, by that time, I haven't taken it as anything but now .. I think it's a sign .. a sign given to me .. a sign telling me that sooner ... I will fall for that guy. And I did. 

I have been warned but I haven't payed attention to it. And so, fate played with me. If you'll ask me if I ever regret loving him .. even if it has caused a lot of pain .. I never ever did. if I felt bad about it .. ? NO. NEVER. It was one of the best chapter in my life. I am thankful that I am so stupid I haven't noticed the signs right away .. I am thankful because I've been too foolish to let myself fall for him ... if those things never did happened .. I won't be this happy. 

Wish I had a time machine
I could make myself go back
Until the day I was born,
And I would live my life again
and rearrange it so that I'll be
Yours from now on.

Some people are nice to you at FIRST..
Always have time for you at FIRST..
Care for you at FIRST..
But why do some people change after a certain time?
Maybe most of the best thing happen only at first, but won't last long.

Im a teenager. I have a messy room. I spend most of my time online. I have private on my phone. I go to bed late & Im crazy about 1 person.

Brace yourself. hahahaha!

Prepare yourself mentally or emotionally for hearing something unpleasant, out of place or inappropriate.

Yeah, really.

Facebook is so wonderful. It never fails to remind you about someone's birthday. .. you know .. it's just .. amazing. I mean, yeah ... people always forget someone's big day, and that is the number one excuse that they haven't greeted. But because Facebook exist, you won't have any escape ... unless you are not an active user. And the funny thing is, those people that aren't that close to you or let's just say, not worth of your greeting .. you happen to wish them a happy birthday at the end of the day. It's like Facebook is motivating you to do so. Well, thanks to Facebook, people feel like they are really important. I mean, in regular scenarios, most people, especially those that are in adulthood stage were very emotional during their important born day because they feel like nobody remembers them. But because of Facebook, it may not be all but at least, more people greets on your wall .. even those that you don't even know personally. 

Well, the bottom line is, ... ah .. just read the photo above. LOL. XD

nanganak na si Czy!!! weeeehheeeeee!!! dadalawin namin siya !!! :))))

may baby na ang barkada!!!! :D

EXPECTING ...

--- is one way of hurting yourself ..
so just go with the flow and enjoy the moment ."

Hindi mo naman kailangan maging perpekto..
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Kailangan mo lang ng taong iintindi sayo at hindi kayang lumayo sa mga oras na sinusumpong ka ng masamang ugali mo >.<

I did nothing the whole day but sleep. I feel sick ... I feel tired .. I'm bored. I hate it when this happens .. when I lose interest on everything.