I really thought he loves me. 

His actions, his words, his cares .. it all tells me that I mean something to him and most especially, he had feelings for me. 

But one night, when we saw each other and talked, that's when I realized the truth ... that he's not in love with me. That I am something he uses for a pastime (which he openly admit). I am someone he wants to talk with when no one's around. I am someone he doesn't really care about (which is strongly affirmed by his actions lately, just when I needed him most).

It's ok. I mean, I don't really care if he loves me the way I do or not. The big deal is that, he's not even a friend to me. He doesn't understand me. He doesn't care about what I feel. He never ask me what's wrong in a sincere way .. it always seems like it's his duty to do that as a friend, but he doesn't really give a damn about it. He's just there when I'm happy. He always misunderstood my words, not like how I try to always understand his. I should always affirm to all that he wants, which makes things worst on my part. 

Whenever I think about it, it hurts me. I feel tired as well. I don't know how long I could take this. There are times I really want to give up (just like now) .. I mean, sometimes, I think about telling him to stay out of my life .. but I know myself .. I know ... I know I can't bear the pain when he's gone. I'll just wait for that moment when he voluntarily quits. Tell me I'm stupid, but I pray it won't happen. I am tired, but I want to try my best not to, just to make him stay in my life forever. That's how I loved him. I love him so much, more than myself, but not more than God, of course. 

I wish I'd meet someone who'd love me more than what I can give. Not necessarily an opposite sex, but someone .. who could be a true friend to me. Who would try to understand me no matter what. Who will always listen up on my cares. Who will not scold me up when I am already feeling bad. Who will stand with me in the stormy days of my life. I want a friend. A true friend who'll love me. A friend who'll not just dedicate songs to me, but will act according to the words they had promised.