Lately, I have been fantasizing about my death. I imagine throwing myself off a high place. I dream of seeing a lot of blood flow out of my veins. I think of swallowing every sleeping pill I have until I won't wake up anymore. Sometimes I see myself doing it at school, sometimes at home. But I more like it to do at school. I want every people there to realize that I've done such thing because of them. No, it's not that i really blame them about everything. I more like blame myself .. that's why I will end up quitting that way. I just want them to see what they want to see. They want me gone, I want myself gone too. 

Each day, I am close to doing it... but when I remember the Lord, I end up throwing the idea out of my head. I wonder if I killed myself, I would still have the privilege to enter heaven. They say I wouldn't. Killing myself is a huge sin. When I think about of taking my life, I fear that I will end up experiencing an everlasting pain in hell. I don't want that. I want to quit because I can't take the pains anymore .. but if I'll undergo more pain after it, it's better to stay here and just do things that would earn me the happiness I have long been wishing for. I'll just have to wait, and while waiting, I'll have to do good things and serve the Lord. That's what I have to do. I should not take something that isn't mine in the first place, which is, my life. 

This motivates me to choose to live. I don't know how far it would go, but I swear .. I would take suicide in the last lists of my options. I will not quit. I will not say never, but I'll try my very best not to.