I am really sleepy right now and I have to sleep because I've got a mountain of school works waiting all over my room. But then, I feel that I have to do this.... I mean.. posting. This isn't a relevant topic but it is an issue to me personally.

So there's this guy, a former classmate of mine who'd been flirting with me. We've last seen each other for more than a year now, and actually it was the second time we've met since our graduation in Elementary almost ten years ago. That day was unforgettable, though I'd really want to omit that on my memory.

It was a hot summer day (hot, because it's summer and it's a day. duh to myself! hahaha! I'm sorry, I just want to start that way LOL). He invited me for his despedida since he will gone for Australia. I was expecting it was just the two of us, but when I reached in the place where we are supposed to meet, I saw him with another guy. They stood up as I approached him and immediately led me to the car. I was hesitant but he's really begging for me to come along with them for a moment. Since he is a friend of mine, I accepted his invitation, considering that it might be the last time I'd see him. So I sat at the back part with him at this very literally hot car with no air condition with a drunk driver (his companion). While on our way, he asked for a favor.... his 'last favor' before he head to Australia... and that is, for me to pretend to be his girlfriend. He said that he told his friends he will be fetching up his girlfriend (me). I was really shocked and that time I really wanted to smack him with my fist. Anyway I kept myself calm until we came to the location. It was a house, and I don't know who the hell owns it. And you know what? I am the only girl there! I was really getting nervous at that time, with all the half-drunk men in the garage. He provided me a seat next to him. He tried to hold my hand and get closer to me, just to show them that we are what he told them. But I can't do it. He was whispering to me that I should just go with the flow but I just can't. For like five minutes (which is a lifetime to me) of sitting, I finally made up my mind that I should get up and go out with or without his consent. Of course I never forgot the polite way of saying goodbye, but I did it very quick because I am not happy with what's going on there. This former classmate of mine took the initiative to walk me outside to the other street where we've waited for a tricycle to appear. While waiting, he confessed his feelings for me, but he sad because I failed to attend to his last request. I told him I can't pretend, that it is something that we shouldn't fake. Then he asked me another favor, with all his teary eyes and begging face, that before we say goodbye, I'd give him a kiss. Yes, a kiss and I was like "Ok I have to go". But I didn't do that. I told him I can't kiss him because the only man I want to kiss is my boyfriend who is patiently and worriedly waiting for me in the convenient store near that area. He did this really sad face and good thing a tricycle finally came in to my rescue. In the tricycle I can't stop myself from shivering, though it's a hot day. When I alighted, I was rushing to that convenient store and when I saw my ga there, I started crying and I hugged him immediately. I was so scared and I only found relief when I am already with him.

 After that incident we didn't talk anymore, I didn't even know when he went to Australia. But after a year through Facebook, we had our way to communicate again, until now. So lately, he was chatting with me. Because my ga and I already broke up and I was really hurt, I've tried to ride with my former classmate's flirting ... but I just can't. Not because I feel guilty for being such a bitch, but because I've realized that it's really hard to flirt with someone you don't love. Well as think about those people who can mingle with another person while "loving" someone else, I can't help but say to myself, "wow, how did they do that? it's hard you know." It really is. When I am flirting with him, I can feel all the hairs in my arms rise up, and I feel like I want to puke. I am so disgusted with myself, that's why I've stopped doing it after that one time I did it. Just this night he messaged me telling me that he missed me, that he wants to talk with me before he sleeps and he wants me to fond but I CAN'T. I told him to just sleep. I CAN'T DO IT. I'M DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF WHENEVER OUR CONVERSATION STARTS!

Of course I don't want to ruin our friendship, and I know he'd not allow that to happen too. But if it is what is required to do, then I won't hesitate. This is so pathetic of me, but I can't force myself to love another man. I can live a single life forever if God won't send my prince, but I will never flirt again just so I could move on from the past love I've been. For now I will be contented as I am. Never will I try to flirt again with someone I don't feel anything special with. It's so disgusting, I'm telling you. 

December 22, 2012

Status ito ng isang former classmate ko nung college sa FB. Grabe. Tinamaan ako. Ito. Ito yung saktong makakapag describe ng pakiramdam ko noong December 22 noong nakaraang taon. Ayoko ng maalala pa ang gabing yun. Lalo na yung mukha niya. Ayoko na. Masakit. Sobra. 

FYI, lalaki nag post nito. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang nangyayari sa kanya, pero batay sa mga wallposts niya, naghiwalay na sila ng gf niya. Ang nakakaloka dun, mahal na mahal niya yung babae.... SOBRA! Karamihan ng mga sinasabi niya sa FB napagdaanan ko lahat nung ako din nasasaktan ng sobra. Grabe di ko akalain na ang mga lalaki pala ganun din. I mean, oo given ng tao rin sila, pero syempre bibihira ang lalaking expressive sa nararamdaman niya lalo pag nasasaktan ng babae. Pero ito grabe mahal na mahal niya. Nakakaawa, nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa kanya nung mga panahong di ko rin matanggap ang mga nangyari sakin. Pero malalagpasan niya rin yun. Hindi na kailangan pa ng kapalit, makakamove on din siya. Hindi niya malilimutan yun, lalo't mahal na mahal niya. Pero katagalan, kung tutulungan niya ang sarili niya, maiibsan din ang sakit paunti-unti... mauubos din ang lahat ng sakit. Maswerte nga siya, ang dami niyang kaibigan na sumusuporta at dumadamay sa kanya. Ako, mag isa sa laban. Ni isang encouraging word man lang wala akong nakuha. Buti na nga di pa din ako natuluyan, LOL masamang damo. hahahaha! Anyway, wala lang. Nakamove-on man na ko, yung sakit minsan bumabalik pa rin. Hindi man sobra ng dati, pero sapat pa rin para maalala kong "oo nga pala, mahal ko pa rin siya.... "

TRUE LOVE ♥

is...

-feeling disgusted when flirting with another man

-not capable of engaging oneself into a relationship with another man

-not even having the capacity to imagine yourself kissing and cuddling another man

-marrying or being with another man have never crossed your mind

-being content and not looking for anyone else anymore. 

And that's when I know that true love is what I've felt for you~~~

Just a little slap of reality. :/

It's been a long time. I really, really want to post a lot of things but then I have limited time and energy to do so. Anyway I'm glad I've managed to open this blog tonight and post something. 

So ... I've seen this photo just now from Facebook and then I realized that it perfectly speaks about what I am feeling earlier, so I was motivated to post this while waiting for my downloads to complete. I had been in front of my computer for like 5 hours now, and I'm busy downloading stuff for this netbook of mine. While I was waiting, for the windows update to stop checking for updates, well, I wasn't allowed to browse any other part except for that, so I was left in silence and total peace as I waited. Then suddenly, thoughts about my past, specifically those I've already celebrated for being forgotten popped up in my mind. Funny thing is, it hurt me. Yeah, I mean this is embarrassing I know, but it really did hurt me. So just to avoid getting into it more, I've forced myself to stop the checking of updates and just keep myself busy with some other things. I even browsed nonsense sites just to keep my head from thinking about such things and the like. So what's the point here. Read again what's written in the photo. Not because I haven't moved on yet or whatever, but it's more of all this time, I have been fooling myself. I have been running away from those things by keeping myself busy with some other more sensible stuff but in fact, they are all just stored in the subconscious part of  my cognition and then it will be powered up when I am idle. This sucks, but I have no choice. I don't want and I don't have to live each day mourning for that whole year. My grief doesn't change anything in the past, and it would surely not help in my future. I know for fact that this mind of mine, though I may tend to forget a lot of things quickly but those that have affected me emotionally will forever mark in my head, which is not cool. The only escape I know is to keep them all away from my head by thinking about many other things. But of course it doesn't kill the memories. It's there. And when I allow it, it will be easy to dig all those again than it is to bury them in the deepest, most secret place in my brain. I know this is somewhat pathetic but this is true, and I hate myself for it. 

*Sorry for the extra large size of the photo. I just really want to emphasis it. :D

Plans after the busy days.......................

I'm planning to have another blog. I want it to show a different side of me ... someone who is cheerful, full-spirited, enthusiastic, and positive. I want it to be wholesome. It wasn't a secret to everyone that this blog holds dreadful past reflections and are going to be kinkier as time passes by. Now I don't think it's a good idea to have only one blog that will show what my mind thinks about, because as for myself, I am not a kind of human being with one distinct, consistent attitude and mindset. I mean, let's face it, all of us, people, have our different sides. Why is it so hard to accept guys? Why are we so judgmental that contrasting ideas in one vessel starts the fire in our minds and mouths? 

Enough of the grumblings, I am determined to do this. Not now, but soon. I feel the need to sort out my dark thoughts from my heavenly ideas. :) I'm not doing this because I want to impress anyone ... NO NO NO! I'm doing this because I want to maximize my freedom of expressing myself. 

Two blogs. That's all and I will be fine. :)

 Another plan ... I want to learn how to play guitar. SERIOUSLY this time. Actually, I'd really want to learn how to do the drums but since all I've got in here is a guitar, I think it's best to utilize what's available for me. Now regarding this, I don't want to engage to guitar playing classes ... I want to learn by myself. I can do this. I will do this. :)

Next plan is .... continue my travel mania. :) I've not been in farther places since I am very busy earning every cent I have for books but I don't think it should be a hindrance for me to travel. Travelling doesn't only mean going to places and having fun. What I mean here is the fulfillment of one of my dreams .... being in different churches. :)

So, this is all for now. I'll have to work on these before pursuing another set of plans. :) I know and I believe I can do this. GOD IS WITH ME! :)

And after all.... you're my wonderwall..... (such a great song)

Yesterday's Accomplishments....

1. I was able to help my father in our business. Morning shift. :)
2. I've met Queenie, my new niece and were able to hold her tiny body in my arms.
3. I was able to attend to the wake of ... I guess it's my cousin with my father and younger sister.
4. I'm done researching about the different spiritualities and reading the hand out given by our professor in Religious Pedagogy.
5. I'd had a good sleep at 6PM - past 7, and I'll have it again right after I post this. :)))) 


#dowhatmakesyouhappy
#everydayisanaccomplishment

Wow, I missed my blog so much. :) I've been very busy in school works that I actually can't find time to post. It's not because this is not important, but my time is just so limited and occupied. Anyways, I'm so happy to post again. It's past 2 in the morning and I'm still awake, doing researches and the like. I'm happy because there are a LOT of things to do, and challenge for all these pressures. :) Take a sneak peak at my schedule of deadlines and schedule of accomplishing everything:

Deadlines:

Monday - lesson plan, powerpoint, report in religious pedagogy

Tuesday - spirituality research

Wednesday - rh law, take home test

Thursday - reading #3, exam in religious pedagogy / practicum

Schedule:

Saturday morning- spirituality 

saturday afternoon - report

saturday evening - teaching model

Sunday afternoon - powerpoint

sunday evening - reading #3

Monday - take home test

Tuesday morning - rh law

Tuesday evening - take home test review

Wednesday - rewrite reading #3

This is so mind blowing but I love it! Doing a lot is far way better than idleness. I love it when I have to think about a lot of RELEVANT things ... it saves me from pondering about trash memories. Oh well, bitterness ahead! hahahaha! Kidding aside, these things that I have to do are no reasons for me to give up. It actually fires me up, really. I know I can do this all, because God is by my side. For now, I'll go to bed and take some rest. Having lots of responsibilities doesn't mean you have to forget you are living. Taking all the pressures should still be enjoyed. How? Just love what you're doing and believe that God is with you always. That will definitely make the burden light. :)))

So.... this is a very good thought for this morning. :) Only 'her' did not recognized my effort and value, and so I don't have to waste my time hating myself for it because there are a lot more people, or should I say, there will also be one person who will be appreciative enough to acknowledge what I've done good to them. Eventually I will be able to find an audience, without trying so hard to please anyone out there. :) 

Answered Prayer =)

So before I closed my eyes last night, I prayed to God that He wake me up early this morning. And guess what? I woke up even before our alarm clocks blast. My sister jumped out of our bed because she felt something crawling (which happened to be a dirty cockroach) and well, it made me wide awake. :) Truly, God answers prayers! Good Morning! :)))

HELLO, BLOG!

When I was looking at his photos during my birthday, I was thinking, "What the hell is with this guy that I am dying to have him?" Well, I just can't explain why. He's not that gorgeous, all sexy man you'd ever imagine, he's plain and he's old! But I love him, and that's what's so important to me. :D 

I am currently staring at our old photos. Our old memories. Still fresh in my heart and mind.

The good thing about tonight is, the fear that I am assuming before did not occur. I thought if I saw those pictures again, all the pain I have felt and all those bad memories of our last days will come crashing through my mind. But as I browse those memories of ours, I feel good inside. The more pictures I stare at, the more I feel better. But of course let's not exclude the fact that I have cried a river. I actually have a bunch of used tissue papers right on my table. :) So I have decided not to download the pictures. Aside from the fact that it's too many it would take me a lot of time to do so (which is, I'm so willing to do if not for the second reason) and that I don't want to tempt  myself looking at it every time I open my netbook. But I have downloaded some videos of our most favorite songs. 

So far, this had been the best gift that I have given myself on my birthday. To see him again, even not personally. The face that I almost forget but I never did. The face of the man that I'll surely love until my last breath.

I keep on asking myself before why I am still holding on. The answer was given to me as a gift today. I'm still loving him, inspite of the fact that he left me, because that's what I have promised. And remember, I am a person who's so particular with promises. And if I told you so, I'd really do it. And because he's the only man I will love like this, I will and forever will.

I will watch music video of the song that I haven't heard for a long time now. I hope it would make me fall asleep. haha! 

Tears fall from my eyes right now, not because I am in pain, but because I'm happy. That for once in my life, I was fortunate and so blessed to have him in my life. I'm happy because one of my birthdays were celebrated with him alone, and that would be one of the best birthdays of my life. And even though he's not around right now and he will not greet me (I even doubt it if he'll remember it's my birthday today), I'm still happy. I'm happy for us. We're happy now. I know he is, big time. And I have to be too. 


Happy Birthday to me.

Guess what? I'm all tears tonight. I said I'd sleep. I've turned off the computer already and went to bed ... and then when I was about to say my good night prayer ... tears fell down my cheeks and it's unstoppable until now, like it's been 3o minutes flowing without stopping. I don't remember the last time I've cried like this year. This uncontrollable tears that I wish would not come out but it did, and I know that if I will try to stop it, it would only lead to severe headache. So why am I crying on my birthday? Tears of joy? No. I can feel the pain rushing through my chest as tears fall from my eyes.  That's why I stood up and opened my netbook so I could surf and post here, hoping I could find comfort so I could sleep. 

So why am I crying?????? Ok. This is the first sad birthday of my life, the start of a more sad birthdays to come. Sad because ..... I'd be celebrating it yearly remembering all the memories we've shared in my happiest birthday ever, which  is last year. I know this is stupid, but what is silly with being so honest? I am hurt. I am sad on my birthday because he wouldn't be greeting me, he wouldn't be calling me, he wouldn't tell me he loves me ... never again! I know you'd say that I shouldn't just stick with him and just think about so many good things that was left especially the people who bothered to greet me but ..... I can't stop it. I'm hurt. I really want him. He's all I want. He's all I want to be with today. :(

If you'd ask what's my gift for myself this day of mine, well.... I'd open our email account in Yahoo and have a sneak peak on our old photos. If I can I will download it, if not, I'll just leave it there. So upon typing here, I am gaining all the courage I could have. I have to brace myself or else .... I don't know. This would be the first time this year that I will see "us" together,,,,,..  in photos. I hope I could sleep after this. And I'm going to do it right after I post this. And that is, NOW.

Happy Birthday to me. :) Have to sleep now. :')

Women are flexible. indeed.

I could have searched for  better photos that would portrait how flexible women are during those times. But since I don't want to be too erotic here, I've chosen this one. And besides, it's beyond the flexibility .. it is the passion and intensity that I love in this shot. :) missing those times eh?

Why do women suddenly become so flexible during those intimate times???
#latenightfantasies

#ImSingleBecause

 or

This song just perfectly describes how it feels each passing night....... ~~~ ISTILLMISSYOUGA.

Each passing night 

I try and close my eyes 

But thoughts of you 

They wake me up 

And tear me inside out 

Each passing night 

I ask myself who's right 

And try to find the reasons why 

It had to end that night 

Didn't we share each other's dreams 

We held each other tight 

And tears fell from my eyes 

As you walked and left me here 

Like the wind you passed me by 

I try but I can't see 

If it's something that I said 

Baby please won't you tell me now 

'Cause it gets harder each passing night 

I often pray 

That you'd come back and stay 

We've had so much together 

To ever live apart 

I'll wait and see 

'Cause I know and I believe 

Someday you'll come to realize 

What you and I can be 

Then we'll share each other's dreams 

We'll hold each other tight 

Kiss the tears that burn my eyes 

'Cause you walked and left me here 

Like the wind you passed me by 

I try but I can't see 

If it's something that I said 

Baby, please won't you tell me now 

'Cause it gets harder each passing night 

I never meant to hurt your heart this way 

Sooner or later 

There'd be someone else who'd stay 

My Husband's Lover Day 36

Sayang wala akong makitang picture nung scene kanina sa My Husband's Lover na pinipicturan ni Eric yung parts ng Condo niya. Habang ginagawa niya yun nagfa-flashback ang lahat ng alaala nila ni Vincent sa isip niya. Akala ko nga ang purpose nun para itago at alalahanin ang mga alaala, pero di pala, ibebenta niya kasi pala yung unit niya. Sino nga naman bang gaga ang gagawa nung una kong nabanggit? EH SINO PA, EDI AKO.

Sinubukan kong kuhanan ang mga lugar at bagay na may alaala kami. ultimo waiting shed, jeepney at parte sa bahay namin na may alaala kami pinicturan ko. Para itago. Para hindi mabura ang alaala sakaling magbago man ang mga iyon. Pero di ko pa natatapos, binura ko na ang maraming pictures at videos (may insidenteng kinuhanan ko ng video ang isang lugar na pinuntahan namin noon). Kasabay kong binura nun yung diary ko kung saan nakasulat yung mga time, situation at place na bigla ko siyang maaalala at ano ang dahilan nun. Yung pagkakasulat parang kinakausap ko siya sa isang sulat. Nabura ko na lahat yun. Yun yung araw na nagdesisyon na akong burahin na ang mga alaala niya, para maka-move on na ko.

Wala lang. Naalala ko lang yung nagawa kong kahibangan. Tanga ko no? Hindi ako proud na tanga ako, pero hindi ko rin naman ikinahihiya yun. Yung minsang naging tanga ako at sinulit ko pa, diba nga live life to the fullest. So walang dahilan para pagsisihan ko ang mga ginawa ko, lalo pa't ginusto ko naman lahat yun. 

Ngayon, kung sa part na nanghihinayang ako na binura ko ang mga iyon ... hindi rin. Kasi sa isip at puso ko hindi pa nabubura ang mga iyon. Kayang kaya kong isulat ulit lahat yun, hindi nga lang ang saktong date. At kayang kaya kong puntahan uli ang lahat ng lugar na pinuntahan namin noon at kuhanan ito ng mga litrato. Kaso di ngayon. At wish ko nga sana eh, kapag ginawa ko yun, gusto ko kasama ko na siya. Kung di man mangyari yun, gagawin ko pa rin bago ako mamatay. Promise yan. :) 

Bago matulog, pabaon ni Papa Jack. :)

SINGLE AKO ..
Hindi dahil wala akong makita, ayoko lang talagang sumubok sa iba..
Kasi HINIHINTAY PARIN KITA!

Kapag mabilis na sya BUMITAW, NAKAKAPIT na yan sa iba.

"Pahalagahan kung sino ang nandyan. Pabayaan at wag pilitin ang mga nang-iiwan."

WALANG KWENTA LANG. WAG BASAHIN. SAYANG SA ORAS.

Umuulan sa labas. Nakakadagdag ang bawat patak sa lumbay at lungkot na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Kahit medyo maingay, wala akong naririnig kundi tibok ng puso ko. Walang pattern ang pagtibok, pero mabuti na lang at tumitibok pa. Kahit nasasaktan na. Kahit wala ng dahilan sana na mag-function pa siya .... 

Wala, tina-try  ko lang magdrama. Kasi nasasaktan ako ngayon. Pero hindi ako naiiyak, hindi rin ako gaanong nalulungkot. Pero alam ko na nasasaktan ako. Ewan ko ba, baliw na ata ako eh. Bakit ako nasasaktan? Kasi naalala ko nanaman SIYA. Ngayon pa, ngayon pang monthsary namin sana. 

Naiinis ako kapag may mga nakikita akong lugar na gusto kong puntahan. Lalo na pag may discounts, grabe ang saya lang tumalon sa building. Tapos maiisip ko pa na ang luwag ng sched namin ngayon, hindi ko na kailangan pang umabsent para lang makagala. Pero bigla kong maiisip bigla, wag na lang. Kasi wala akong kasama. Pero yun ba talaga ang problema? Hindi. Hindi dahil sa wala akong kasama. Kung kasama lang naman eh madali ng makahanap. Marami akong kaibigang gala tulad ko. Pero ano ba yng problema? Ah ... kasi ... nakakahiya mang aminin pero ... WALA KASI AKONG IBANG GUSTONG MAKASAMA KUNDI SIYA LANG!

Hindi naman kasi yung mismong lugar o gala ang mahalaga eh. Yung makasama ko SIYA, yun  yun eh. Eh kaso wala. Wala siya. Mahalaga din naman yung lugar, pero yung makasama siya dun, iba yun eh. Kahit sino pa siguro ang mag-volunteer na samahan ako mawawalan lang ako ng gana. Ang unfair ko no? Eh ganun talaga eh. Mas magiging unfair ako sa sarili ko kung ipagpipilitan ko. Lalo na't alam ko na di naman ako sasaya pag ginawa ko yun.

Gusto ko kasi ... lalo na pag first time kong pupunta sa isang lugar, siya ang kasama ko. Gusto ko ang unang memory ko dun eh yung kasama ko siya. Kahit nga noon, sa tapat lang kami ng isang bangko, o yung first time kong pagdaan sa isang overpass somewhere, sobrang memorable na eh. Kasi andun siya. Kasama ko siya. Eh ngayon? Wala. Wala na. At wala na akong gana.

Alam ko na ilang buwan at taon mula ngayon, makakarating ako sa iba't ibang lugar ng di siya kasama. Gagawa ako ng mga alaala doon ng wala siya. Pero alam ko rin na hanggang sa panahon na yun, hindi pa rin ako magsasawa na magdasal, na sana ... maulit yung noon .. kahit hindi na lang yung maging kami ulit ... basta yung makasama ko siya sa maraming lugar. Yun lang. Makasama ko lang siya. Alam kong sasaya na ko. Kailan kaya yun? Mangyari pa kaya yun??? 

AIR SUPPLY IN MANILA AGAIN!!!!! :(((((((

So this is another time that I will not be able to watch them. :'(

I wish I had a job right now, just now ... and the salary would be  for a night with Air Supply. :'((

When will be their next concert? I wish that time I  have enough money, and a companion as well to be there. And I hope they're still alive by that time. LOL

I remembered their last visit in Manila, I think it was 2011. Oh, forget  about it. 

Seminar Day 2

So ... I guess I'll have to attend the seminar all by myself. Wala man lang kahit kausap. Sana lang umattend yung si Joyce para kahit papano. Well, thank God di naman ako tulad nung asa picture. Mabuti  na lang natutunan ko ng mahalin ang pag-iisa. Noon halos mabaliw baliw ako pag wala akong kasama. Haha. Ang galing talaga ni Lord no. Yung weak point ko noon ginawa Niyang strength ko ngayon. :) kaya malaya akong nagagawa ang mga gusto kong gawin, kasi hindi ko na kailangan pang umasa sa iba pasa sa katuparan ng mga iyon. :) hindi naman dapat mag-isa ang tao, pero kailangan nating tandaan na hindi sa lahat ng panahon may anjan ang mga taong kailangan natin. minsan kailangan din nating tanggapin na may mga bagay na tayo... tayo lang mag-isa ang makakagawa. at may mga pagkakataon sa buhay na hindi dahil wala tayong kasama eh dapat na tayong sumuko. :) --- confession mamaya! :) Ligo na ko. God bless!

dramabels.

Kanina, hindi ako dinadapuan ng antok. Nakinig na ko ng music, nahiga, nakapikit.... pero wala pa rin. Ang lakas ng urge na mag online at magpost sa blog. Sabagay, medyo emotional ako kanina. Namumugto pa nga hanggang ngayon ang mga mata ko. Andami kong iniisip. Mga tao. Mga malalapit, mga malalayo ang loob, pero nakakasalamuha ko. Mga taong parte ng buhay ko. Mga taong sinaktan ako, mga taong pinasaya ako. Mga taong ayaw kong mawala pero umalis. Mga taong anjan lang sa tabi ko pero di ko pinapansin. 

Ang hirap ma-attach sa tao. Ang hirap kumawala. Paano kaya nagagawa ng iba na basta na lang kalimutan ang mga taong naging bahagi ng buhay nila? Kasi ako.. kahit anong pilit ko, sadyang napakahalaga ng mga tao sa buhay ko. Hindi man ako sumagi sa isip nila, hindi man ako mahalaga sa buhay nila ... pero ewan ko ba kung bakit pagdating sakin parang mga kayamanan sila. Grabe. Di ko magets ang sarili ko. Ultimo taong sinaktan ako ng todo mahalaga pa rin. Pero ngayon tinuturuan ko na ang sarili ko na magpigil ng nararamdaman, ng pagiging emosyonal. Lagi kong pinaaalala sa isip ko na dapat di ko sila isipin dahil di naman nila ako iniisip. Na dapat wag ako masyadong magpahalaga lalo sa mga alaala, wag ko masyadong alalahanin ang mga magagandang ginawa  nila para di ako nagiging emosyonal. Ang lahat ng tao, dumadaan lang. Makakalimutan ka pag wala ka na sa sirkulasyon ng buhay nila, o kaya kapag di ka na kailangan. Kailangan kong tigasan ang sarili ko. Kailangan matuto na ko.

Ayan, nakapag-post na ko, at inaantok na ko. Good mornight na. Sana ... sana di na ko magising ... para wala na ang lahat ng alaala at sakit na dala ng kahapon ..... ~~~

This.. is what I've learned today. #2

"Be careful what you wish for 'coz you just  might get it ..."

A wonderful quote that I didn't believe until I  have proven it myself. One day I prayed to God to take me to the right path, to keep me away from bad people, and you know what? A LOT OF THEM WERE SUDDENLY GONE IN MY LIFE. I was really saddened but eventually my life became lighter, happier and I became freer after they've been gone ... ~~~~

This.. is what I've learned today. #1

I was once a woman who can't be moved....

Before I sleep, I want to share this stupid yet unforgettable-but-should-be-forgotten memory of mine. It happened last December 17, 2012. It was our scheduled Christmas party in school, but instead of going there, I went to Makati without the knowledge of anyone else. It was really my plan not to attend the party, but my purpose was changed since the man I have loved had already dumped me. But since we haven't had an official break up that time, I am still after seeing him for a formal closure. Few days before the said date, my love and I were talking about what we would do that day since I was really planning to meet him instead of spending my time in school. He said that he will be in Makati in the morning and he will be waiting there for me. But that's not the main reason, because we could actually meet up on some other places. Well, he had his duty on his office, so I would be the one who will go there to pick him up. 

Then it was the 17th day of December. I woke up early, I didn't even have time to eat breakfast because I want to get there as early as I can. I don't know the exact time he will be there or if he'll ever be there in the first place, but since I was really blinded by the love that I feel for him, I took all my chances to be there. I thought to myself that time, if I would not do anything, I won't see him again. So that was it. 

To add spice to my adventure, it was my FIRST TIME to go to Makati ALONE. I relied on the instructions my father had told me months before and on how my love described his travel to his office building when we were still ok. Thank God, I have successfully arrived at the place. 

That time I was scared, because I don't know anyone or any place there. I stood on the adjacent street, just in front of their building but I was two roads away. I can clearly see the entrance of the building and the people that go in and out there. I was there at 7 in the morning. On my right and left were streets which I think would be the only way he will be from, so from time to time I look both sides. I had with me all his stuff, including his 12 packs of gels (which I have bought for him because he asked of it), the belt I've bought a day before as a Christmas gift for him and his computer hard wares. It was so heavy, my shoulders and neck have nearly got stiff. I cannot bring it down because the traffic enforcers and police might think I was by standing there. Well, I'm actually spying. 

I wasn't moving on my place until the sun had shone on my side at 9AM. I have endured the sunlight until 10:30AM. When I felt sweat rush down my neck, I went to the other side of the street, right in front of their office building! There I stood for more minutes. I don't want to give up if only I wasn't mistaken as a prostitute or a beggar or whatsoever by his friend, whom I know but do not know me. I've tried to approach him and ask for his friend, and if he will say he wasn't around, I'd just leave his belongings to him, but sad to say, he just stared at me like saying, "hey, it's already morning, you should be wandering the streets at night, prosti". (For clarifications, I wasn't wearing a very sexy outfit. I'm just on my jeans and a formal red blouse. But how he looked at me and how he ignored me tells the exact things. I know it.)

I know that I was one of the most stupid people around the globe. If you'd ask me if I regret doing such a thing, my answer is a big NO! Well, it really is funny, I admit. I am laughing at myself as I have remembered that when I've read the lyrics of The Man Who Can't Be Moved just a while ago. But then, being stupid because of love isn't a funny thing though. And it shouldn't be regretful because I have acted and reacted in line with what I am undergoing that time. The pain and the love have mixed that I am near to hallucinations, it was like I'll be having a nervous breakdown. If I haven't done it, I don't think it will be easier for me to accept what happened. It had helped me in some way. 

I'm proud to say that for once in my life, I became a woman who can't be moved. Mistaken to be broke, but actually heart-broken. If I'd do it again? Of course not! I've learned my lessons. I think the next time I'll not move, I'd be on the tomb. hahahha! Sweet dreams!

btw, this is a great song :)

Both songs took my sleepiness away .. ~~~

Yung feeling na.....

... gusto mo mag-selfie kaso ampangit mo sa picture no matter what. #ouch!

Irresistible. XD

Procrastination AHEAD!

It wasn't like I am really procrastinating. It's just that, all of the things that I have to do came at the same time,  and no matter how I try to do one of them so it will be lessened, it seems that nothing changes. So here I am, wondering how would I finish all of this today. :) But of course I am not discouraged, because I know I can do it, with God beside me. :)) Praying for a blessed day for all of us! AMEN!

...'coz I was once a suicidal ... ~~~

note to self:

KALANDIAN mode. XD

Yung feeling na kahit mahal nyo pa ang isa't-isa,
kailangan nyo nang maghiwalay.

Ang LOVE ay parang buhol- buhol na sinulid.
 Kapag di mo na kayang ayusin, kailangan mo ng PUTULIN.

Kung mahal ka niya, babalik siya? No.
Kung mahal ka talaga niya, una pa lang hindi ka na niya iiwan.

Hindi man tayo para sa isa't isa,
atleast dumating yung araw na sumaya ako at nakilala kita.

Hindi mo naman kailangan mahirapan,
minsan kasi ayaw mo lang talaga bitawan kaya lalo kang nasasaktan.

This is why I love studying. Studying ROCKS! \m/

So, yeah. You're reading it right. I have a lot of videos to watch tonight until Wednesday. I've been downloading it for 3 1/2 hours now. 

1.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_jIGfSPaWM&feature=share

2.) 

These two videos were posted last July 11, I think right after our class. I didn't know how important that I should start now until one of my classmates told me earlier this afternoon that one of the videos is actually almost 4 hours! So upon arriving home, I have cancelled some of my schedules and started downloading the stuff. Now, if you'll ask me why I downloaded it instead of just watching it directly on Youtube, of course I have my reasons.

a. I would save a lot of time if I'll download it, because if I watch it directly, I will have to wait for hours for loading the video and the interruptions will cause great inconvenience especially in understanding the topics.

b. You'll say that I am wasting my time now from downloading, but you're wrong. While I am downloading the videos, I am doing some other commitments and assignments (of my sister and mine) and I'm able to post just like now.

c. I can watch it anytime, anywhere in our house if I download it. I don't need to connect to the internet which would make it easier for me.

d. I want to keep a copy of the video, for future purposes. :)

So there are more than 4 hours for both videos, but a while ago, this was added to the lists:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rcNCB3cqTg&feature=youtu.be

So all in all, I'll have to sit and watch and study and evaluate the three videos for a total of 5 hours! Not to mention the added hours for reading related literature about the topics! And what's even more exciting is that I have 2 remaining days to do this! whoa!!!!

(the days were not a problem if I'm not as busy as I am now.)

BUT before you expect a bunch of complaints from me, read, understand and believe this first: I AM GRATEFUL AND SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS. Knowing that I have a lot of things to do, a lot of things to learn, and an opportunity to read some more for added knowledge is just way too exciting! I can't explain how happy I am right now. The pressure just intensify the happiness I am in at this moment! haha! I miss doing a lot of school stuff, not just go to school and kill the hours listening to ... whoever. This is exactly why I love our priest-professors because aside from their kindness, they are real good mentors and we really learn from them! No idle time, which leads to less tempting moments. :) I just love this day. I'm so excited to watch the videos! Thank God for this. :)) 

The story behind the song I've been listening all over again last night. :'(

When I was suicidal..

So what? Do you know what lies behind those cuts that I have? You shouldn't judge me by what you see, because you don't know anything ... 

Yeah, good thing no one asks how I am now, because I'm so tired of lying. 

The whole world says it's not true, but in fact, it is. It's not because I pity myself, but I'm only telling what the world shows me. And that is, it's better off without me.

ALWAYS. 

I can't take it anymore ... ~~~

Look beyond, and please understand, not judge.