Guess what? I'm all tears tonight. I said I'd sleep. I've turned off the computer already and went to bed ... and then when I was about to say my good night prayer ... tears fell down my cheeks and it's unstoppable until now, like it's been 3o minutes flowing without stopping. I don't remember the last time I've cried like this year. This uncontrollable tears that I wish would not come out but it did, and I know that if I will try to stop it, it would only lead to severe headache. So why am I crying on my birthday? Tears of joy? No. I can feel the pain rushing through my chest as tears fall from my eyes.  That's why I stood up and opened my netbook so I could surf and post here, hoping I could find comfort so I could sleep. 

So why am I crying?????? Ok. This is the first sad birthday of my life, the start of a more sad birthdays to come. Sad because ..... I'd be celebrating it yearly remembering all the memories we've shared in my happiest birthday ever, which  is last year. I know this is stupid, but what is silly with being so honest? I am hurt. I am sad on my birthday because he wouldn't be greeting me, he wouldn't be calling me, he wouldn't tell me he loves me ... never again! I know you'd say that I shouldn't just stick with him and just think about so many good things that was left especially the people who bothered to greet me but ..... I can't stop it. I'm hurt. I really want him. He's all I want. He's all I want to be with today. :(

If you'd ask what's my gift for myself this day of mine, well.... I'd open our email account in Yahoo and have a sneak peak on our old photos. If I can I will download it, if not, I'll just leave it there. So upon typing here, I am gaining all the courage I could have. I have to brace myself or else .... I don't know. This would be the first time this year that I will see "us" together,,,,,..  in photos. I hope I could sleep after this. And I'm going to do it right after I post this. And that is, NOW.