Pero ang pinakagusto ko sa lahat .. ay makatagpo ng lalaki na magsasabing na-"I can't fight this feeling anymore" siya sa akin at yun ang dahilan bakit niya ko pakakasalan. Sweet right?! :))

My current display picture in Facebook. :) Looks better than my own photo, right?!

May naalala ako. Meron akong .. ah .. teka di ko alam kung kaibigan ko siya pero ... o sige ganito na lang .. meron akong dating kaklase. Tuwing magkatext kami .. nagbobolahan kaming dalawa. Sinasabi niya na payat daw ako, which, alam ko naman na isang malaking kasinungalingan. So ayun na nga. Ako naman . .. sinasabi ko sa kanya na di naman siya mataba tulad ng iniisip niya .. dahil tama lang ang katawan niya para sa height niya .. which is, totoo. So ayun na nga. One time, nagkita kami .. at biniro ko siya na .. "ui, tumataba ka ah .. " Ang totoo niyan ... hindi ko naman ibig sabihin na mataba talaga siya at lalong tumataba sa statement kong yan. May karugtong pa kasi dapat e .. ganito yan o .. "ui, tumataba ka ah .. hiyang ka talaga kay ----". Kaso .. bago ko pa nadugtungan, ayun todo react na siya na nagresulta sa ilang buwan naming di pagkikibuan. Buti na lang .. last month .. naging ok na kami. 

Hay ... pero natatawa lang ako. Lagi niyang sinasabi na mataba siya .. at todo kontra naman ako. Pero nung sinabi kong tumataba siya nagalit siya. Halatang gusto lang makarinig ng magagandang bagay e .. kaya dina-downgrade ang sarili. Hay.

cutting isn't a funny thing. it may appear that people who self-harm is just seeking for attention ... but believe me, it's more than that.

-------,

Masilayan, masulyapan, makita, maaninag, mamasid, matingnan, maisalarawan at masaksihan. Iyan ang nais kong gawin ngayon. Kung pwede lang sana.

            Masaya ako pag kausap kita. Pag naririnig ko ang boses mo, para bang tumitigil bigla ang mundo ko. Kaso hanggang dun na lang yun.

            Lagi kitang naiisip at naaalala. Walang segundo, minuto, oras at araw ang lumilipas na di ka sumasagi sa isip ko. Nababaliw na nga ata ako, pero iyon ang totoo. Alam ko namang hindi kita dapat isipin pero di mapigilan ng isip at puso ko na ikaw ay alalahanin. Kahit naman gusto ko, hindi kita maiwaksi sa utak ko. Nahihirapan ako alam mo ba yun? Pero ang hirap mo talagang kalimutan, at tila ayaw ng umalis ng pangalan mo sa sistema ko. Parang di na ako mabubuo pag nawala ka sa buhay ko.   

            Kahit na anong tago’y nalabas pa rin. Pigilan ko ma’y lumalaban pa rin. Iyan ang nadarama kong pag-ibig para sayo. Pag-ibig na nais ko na lamang sanang patayin, ilibing at limutin, ngunit napakahirap gawin.

            Pag-ibig! Ano ba’t bigla akong dinapuan! Bakit ba ngayon pa at sa di pa katanggap tanggap na kapanahunan? Bakit sa tao pang di dapat pagtuunan?

            Mali ba ang ako’y umibig sayo? Kasalanan bang maramdaman ko ito? Wala na akong ibang nagawa pa ng dapuan ako nito kundi ang tanggapin ang sakit na kahihinatnan ko.

            Ikaw lamang ang nais ko, ang tanging pangarap ko’y walang iba kundi ikaw. Kung pwede lang talaga, kung pwede lang sana. Gusto ko namang ipagsigawan sa mundo na mahal kita. Pero hindi na pwede.

            Sana totoo ang muling pagkabuhay sa ibang katauhan. Sa pagkakataong iyon, luluhod ako at hihiling sa Panginoon na sana, tayo naman, tayo na lang, at tayo na lang lagi.

Inna

----------------------------------

Love letter na ginawa ko para sa Filipino subject namin last semester. Obviously, para sayo to ...

He occupied the most space in my mind. ...

I have a lot to post but I can't ... coz this time I only have HIM in my mind .. and I hate whenever this happens. I can't think of anything but HIM. Nothing comes into my mind but HIM. I can't concentrate on anything .... he's the only one my mind can process.

Kung aalis ka, hindi ko masasabing nawala ka sa akin .. dahil sa umpisa pa lang .. alam ko namang hindi ka naging akin.

Kung sasabihin ko bang mahal kita, lalayuan mo ako? 

Kung aaminin ko ang nararamdaman ko para sayo, aayawan mo ba ako?

Kung sasabihin ko bang kailangan kita, ipagkakait mo ang sarili mo?

Kung hihilingin ko bang maging akin ka ... tatanggihan mo ako??

Marahil ang dahilan ng bawat katapusan ay hindi ang katotohanan na may bagong aashan..kundi ang realidad na lahat, matibay man o hindi ay may hangganan ....

wishlist.

I'd like to try kissing with someone in the crowd. hahahaha!

Be wise enough. :)

Well, I really wished I didn't know you in the first place but ... when I think about how much you've change my life and how you've made my life happier than ever ... I end up being contented and grateful that even if it's painful .. you have been one of the best parts of my life. :))

I'll always remember this.

Lately, I don't feel like doing anything. I have no motivation. I don't want to wake up early for school, I don't want to do homework, I don't want to go to practice, I don't want to do anything. I am physically and emotionally drained.

There’s something amazing about this life. The very same worldly attribute that causes us pain is also what gives us relief: Nothing here lasts. What does that mean? It means that the breathtakingly beautiful rose in your vase will wither tomorrow. It means that your youth will neglect you. But it also means that the sadness you feel today will change tomorrow. Your pain will die. Your laughter won’t last forever—but neither will your tears. We say this life isn’t perfect. And it isn’t. It isn’t perfectly good. But, it also isn’t perfectly bad, either.

I want to ask you what those stuffs are all about .. those sweet little things... and ah ... I just want to ask what do you really feel about me. But .. I know .. you won't be honest about it. I don't want to assume anything but you told me once that what I think about it is right. Yeah .. I wish what I have in mind are all right.

Lead me to the right path ..

Shakes makes things better. :))

I hate myself. I'd kill myself if I had the chance.

I made you feel worst. I hate myself for it.

I'm in love with him, no matter what.

Hindi ko kayang sobrang magalit sa kanya. Or .. I may say, hindi ako pwedeng magalit sa kanya ng sobra. Hindi pwede. Kasi pag nagalit ako, mawawala siya. Ayokong mangyari yun.

Cheesy .. ♥

Alam mo ba scientist ako ... 

Kasi .. ikaw ang LAB ko. :)))

Finally, THE MAGIC WORDS. :) ♥♥♥

I am such a failure.

I am upset. I feel sick. While I am on my way home a while ago, I felt really sad. A friend asked something and I've tried to do it but .. I failed. I mean, I made it ... but it wasn't what he wanted. I am never good enough. I can never be good enough for anybody. No wonder God has not given me the 'man' I want because He knows that whoever that man is, I am not capable of giving him his needs. I felt again, that I am a total trash. Aside from being ugly and fat, I can't do anything good. Aside from being stupid and slow, I can't do things perfectly .. I mean .. everything is a mess. I so hate myself. I wish I could die right now. I was actually thinking of jumping off our motorcycle, but I felt sad when I saw my mom and dad. When I kill myself that time and that way, they could see everything and that would make them feel sad. I don't want to hurt my parents. I only want to hurt myself. I should punish myself for being so stupid. 

After everything that happened tonight, all the things that that person has told me before until now came back, and like the old days .. it hurt me. I can never forget everything that he said. I can never forget how it justifies every single bad things about me. 

I shouldn't be hurt. I should be used to it. I should know it was true, but yeah .. the truth hurts. I know I am stupid that I could not follow a simple instruction and can't do what others want me to do, but still I get hurt. 

 I don't really want to cry over such things but .. I just can't help myself. Crying has been my outlet lately. It's a matter of tears or blood. If I didn't cry, I would possibly cut. I choose to cry. But I didn't tell I won't cut.

I felt anger. I've hated that person. I wish I never knew him. I want him out of my life. He's always been like that .. so insensitive. But .. I've realized ... I shouldn't feel this way .. in the first place. I have no right. It's my fault. I'm sorry.

There's no other feeling I have right now but hate for myself. I wanna die. I feel ashamed. I can't face anyone anymore. I am stupid. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No, I'm not mad anymore. And even if I want to, I can't. If I get mad, you'd leave me. I have to brace myself. I have to reserve the anger for myself. There's no one to hate but myself. It's my fault. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. I'm sorry that I didn't understand your instruction. I'm sorry that I'm so stupid. I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry. I'm not mad .. I'm only hurt. It wasn't you .. it me.

One of these days ... I will be receiving a big news. Yes, I'm expecting it .. to hurt me. I know I shouldn't be affected, I should be happy, I should not mourn .. but .. I'm so sorry. It's affecting me right now .. how about tomorrow? How about the next days? How about the day when this big news would pop up? 

I must not let it affect me. 

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

Silence please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight .. I don't know if I will be able to at least take a nap. Our neighborhood is a total bullshit. I'm so sorry for the term. I just couldn't explain how annoyed I am the whole day and night. 

When I woke up, I felt extreme heat and the bad smell of smoke in my room. I thought our house is on fire or I'm being grilled alive. Of course my imaginations are not true, it's only our neighbor cooking outside. Yes, cooking outside with that stupid stove they have. It's not the typical stove we have .. it's a cheap version, something that doesn't help mother earth and causes suffocation. I nearly killed me this day. This isn't exaggerated, I felt like I was choking with the smoke they produce and I really thought I will be in asthma attack early in the morning.

They are preparing for the party, a Debut which is being held at the nearby court until this time. Yes, until now. And you know what?! It's so noisy over here. They keep on playing mind-crashing music which I really hate. Whenever I feel upset and tired and annoyed just like now, all I wish for is peace .. which my neighbor can't give. Yes, they could celebrate, but don't they know they are not the only people around the area and there are those like me who wish to have a precious time to sleep tonight, which they have stolen from us. 

I really hate everyone tonight. I hate the man behind my anger tonight and I hate our neighbor for being so selfish. I want to kill .... myself. 

Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span.

Me: I'M IMMORTAL!

So, basically if I'm on my death bed and I'm about to die, I can just be like:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

and live for another 2 days? Then I'd be like:
"ARE YOU MAD?"

I've laugh out loud when I saw this. So true. Before, when you meet up with friends, you talk, but now .. you text. 

Before, I went to a convenient store with a friend to eat some ice cream. While we are there, someone called on my phone and then we had a long chat that I forgot I have someone with me. That friend of mine was so annoyed that she actually left me in the convenient store. Well, I haven't realized it by that time ... but now I know how bad I was. I apologized, don't worry. 

I remembered the seminar workshop held by some of my classmates about mediated communication. Our professor told us that it is unethical to text while you are with someone especially when you are talking with them. But because people these days are too busy, it is not a big deal if you text or not. Personally, I believe cellphones must not be held all throughout the conversation. I mean, phones are just there, and messages will remain there until you finally read it, unlike the time that pass while you were with someone, which, when gone, you could never ever bring back. But of course, if it is an emergency, then take it. Just be polite in a way that you will tell your companion ahead that you are expecting an important call or message.  

Sometimes, there are also awkward moments like you were both talking and this someone you are talking to is constantly checking her phone that you could not stop yourself from glancing at her phone too. That sucks. 

 To tell you honestly, I miss those times when someone talk with me straight to the eye. Now, people are fond of multitasking .. talking to you while staring at their phones. I admit that I too have been like this ... but now I'm trying my best not to.

I'd like to own a tree house like this. :)

Reality bites.

Kailan kaya ako gaganda??

Ilang araw na akong pinapansin ng kaklase ko sa school. Alam kong matagal niya ng namamasid, pero ngayon niya lang naisipang sabihin. Tuwing uwian, bilang babae, pumupunta kami sa cr. Syempre .. paganda, re-touch, powder, suklay, make-up ...sila. Ako hindi. Hindi naman kakaiba to dahil noon pa man hindi na talaga ako natutong mag-ayos ng sarili ko. Kaunting powder at suklay, ok na ko. Pero bakit niya ako pinansin? Kasi .. mayroon akong kakaibang ginagawa (para sa kanya at sa kanilang mga nakakakita ..) ...hindi ako naharap sa salamin.

Noon pa mang highschool ako, mayroon na akong kakaibang takot sa salamin. Mapamalaki o maliit, takot ako. Noong nasa Muntinlupa pa nga ako, mas malala dahil kahit minsan sa loob ng isang taon na yun hindi ko inaninag ang sarili ko sa salamin. Buti nga ngayon e, pag nandito sa bahay natututo na akong harapin ang sarili kong reflection kahit na sandali lang at pahapyaw lamang.

Bakit ganun? Oo, tingin ko nga abnormal ako .. pero may takot talaga akong nararamdaman e. Isipin mo na lang, papasok ako ng girl's cr, e syempre malaki ang salamin at hindi pwedeng di ka titingin dun bago ka man lamang pumasok ng cubicle. Kaya ang style ko, yuyuko ako o kaya naka-focus lang ang tingin ko sa pinto ng mga cubicles, maiwasan lang ang nakakatakot na bagay na iyon. Hindi lang takot ... kundi matinding pandidiri sa sarili ko ang nararamdaman ko.

Kahapon, tinanong ako ng isa ko pang kaklase kung bakit lagi akong nasa labas lang ng cr. Tapos sumabat ang isa na takot ako sa salamin. Tapos nagtanong ulit siya, tanong niya, e pano pag nagpapowder ako, di ko nakikita ang sarili ko. Sabi nung sumabat, baka naman minsan nananalamin ako ... ayoko lang ng malaking salamin. Ngumiti lang ako bilang pagtugon. Mali siya. Pag nagpa-powder ako, di ko na kailangan ng salamin dahil may talento ako sa pagpapahid nun sa mukha ko ng di na kailangang magtanong o tumingin sa salamin. Ang totoo, mas maliit ang salamin, mas takot ako. Mabuti pa nga ang malaking salamin e, at least di sobrang close up ang mukha ko at may ibang bagay pa akong nakikita bukod sa sarili ko. Sa maliliit na salamin, sakto lang ang mukha ko ... tamang tama lang para takutin ako.

Hindi ko sinasabi to bilang biro o katatawanan. Hindi rin naman ito ganun kaseryosong bagay. Hindi ako nagbibiro ng sabihin kong natatakot akong makita ang mukha ko. Totoo yun. Lagi akong takot na makita ang kapangitan ko. Tuwing masisilayan ko ang mukha ko, naiinis ako. .. at nahihiya akong humarap sa mga tao. Buti na lang talaga magaling ang pagkakagawa sa tao .. hindi niya makikita ang sarili niya. Pero napakalupit ng umimbento ng salamin. Hmm .. well naisip ko naman na ang talino niya rin naman talaga, kung sino man siya .. dahil gumawa siya ng isang bagay na nagpapakita at nagpapamukha ng realidad. Kung hindi mo nga naman nakikita ang sarili mo, mabubuhay ka sa ilusyong maganda ka ... pero dahil may salamin, alam mo kung san mo lang ilulugar ang sarili mo. Ang salamin ay isang instrumento na gumigising sa mga diwang naliligaw. Hindi nito hinahayaang mamuhay tayo sa kasinungalingan. Kung walang salamin at kung tatanungin natin ang mga tao sa paligid na sadyang ipinanganak na mga sinungaling kung ok tayo, malamang isasagot nila ang nais natin marinig. Di tulad ng salamin. Di na kailangan ng salita, isa itong piping saksi at tagasiwalat ng katotohanan. Katotohanan na .. pilit kong tinatakasan.

Alam ko namang pangit ako, pero hindi ako sigurado kung talagang natanggap ko na iyon. Tingin ko hindi pa. Pero tingin ko oo. Hindi ko alam. Tingin ko hindi pa kasi takot akong makita, pero tingin ko oo dahil nga takot akong makita .. ibig sabihin inilulugar ko ang sarili ko sa tama kong paglagyan. Ang ibig kong sabihin ... ang salamin ay ginawa para ipakita ang totoo sayo .. na kung maganda ka, may karapatan kang titigan ang sarili mo ng matagal .. pero kung pangit ka .. wag ka ng mag-abala pang tingnan dahil masasaktan ka lang.

Parang ganito ang naging 'rule' ko sa buhay ko. Ang maaari lang tumingin sa salamin sa paaralan ay yun lamang magagandang nilalang. Ang pangit na tulad ko, walang karapatang gumamit ng make-up, isang pagnanakaw ng sandali ang paglalagay ng powder sa mukha, ang magsuklay ay isang walang kwentang bagay dahil kahit anong gawin ko, di na ako gaganda. Hindi kailan man. Mamamatay akong pangit sa paningin ng lahat. Noon ayokong tanggapin ito, pero nung napansin ko na lahat ng tao ito ang sinasabi, natauhan na ako. Iisang tao lang naman ang nagsabi na maganda ako .. at ang sinungaling na iyon ay walang iba kundi si Yen. Oo siya, pero ok lang .. salamat sa kasinungalingan niya. Hanga ako sa kanya, dahil kahit na sinungaling ang isang tao, mahirap pa ring magbitaw ng kasinungalingan na magpapagaan ng loob ng iba. Pero siya, buong tapang niyang sinabi yun. Alam niyang di ako maniniwala .. pero sinabi niya yun para pagaanin ang loob ko.

Alam kong hindi tama itong mga sinasabi ko .. pero kayong magaganda na nakakabasa nito, hindi niyo alam ang pakiramdam na maging pangit. Sana kung alam niyong pangit ang isang tao .. wag niyo na lang saktan .. wag niyo ng ipamukhang pangit siya o kaya naman wag ka ng maging sarcastic o wag ka ng magsinungaling. Wag ka na lang magsalita. Hayaan mo na lang siyang mamuhay ng parang normal. Hindi na kailangan pang ipagdiinan at pansinin pa ang itsura ng mga tulad ko .. dahil alam namin iyon. Hindi kami bobo para di malaman ang realidad na iyon.

Kailan kaya ako gaganda? Ilabas natin ang usaping simbahan at ang panloob na kagandahan. This is purely physical. Kailan kaya ako magkakaroon ng karapatang gumamit ng make-up? Kailan kaya ako makakapag-lip balm man lang ng di pinapansin ng iba? Kailan kaya ako makakaharap sa salamin at makakapagsuklay man lang ng di ako pinagtitinginan ng mga tao na tila ba sinasabi ng mga mata nila na hindi ko maaaring gawin iyon lalo't andun sila. Kailangan kaya mawawala ang mga insecurities kong ito sa katawan?? Bakit ba .. bakit ba ako ganito ...