I am such a failure.

I am upset. I feel sick. While I am on my way home a while ago, I felt really sad. A friend asked something and I've tried to do it but .. I failed. I mean, I made it ... but it wasn't what he wanted. I am never good enough. I can never be good enough for anybody. No wonder God has not given me the 'man' I want because He knows that whoever that man is, I am not capable of giving him his needs. I felt again, that I am a total trash. Aside from being ugly and fat, I can't do anything good. Aside from being stupid and slow, I can't do things perfectly .. I mean .. everything is a mess. I so hate myself. I wish I could die right now. I was actually thinking of jumping off our motorcycle, but I felt sad when I saw my mom and dad. When I kill myself that time and that way, they could see everything and that would make them feel sad. I don't want to hurt my parents. I only want to hurt myself. I should punish myself for being so stupid. 

After everything that happened tonight, all the things that that person has told me before until now came back, and like the old days .. it hurt me. I can never forget everything that he said. I can never forget how it justifies every single bad things about me. 

I shouldn't be hurt. I should be used to it. I should know it was true, but yeah .. the truth hurts. I know I am stupid that I could not follow a simple instruction and can't do what others want me to do, but still I get hurt. 

 I don't really want to cry over such things but .. I just can't help myself. Crying has been my outlet lately. It's a matter of tears or blood. If I didn't cry, I would possibly cut. I choose to cry. But I didn't tell I won't cut.

I felt anger. I've hated that person. I wish I never knew him. I want him out of my life. He's always been like that .. so insensitive. But .. I've realized ... I shouldn't feel this way .. in the first place. I have no right. It's my fault. I'm sorry.

There's no other feeling I have right now but hate for myself. I wanna die. I feel ashamed. I can't face anyone anymore. I am stupid. 

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No, I'm not mad anymore. And even if I want to, I can't. If I get mad, you'd leave me. I have to brace myself. I have to reserve the anger for myself. There's no one to hate but myself. It's my fault. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. I'm sorry that I didn't understand your instruction. I'm sorry that I'm so stupid. I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry. I'm not mad .. I'm only hurt. It wasn't you .. it me.