One thing I hate most: FORESHADOWING.

The kiss that I thought YOU said would never happen to us ...

He told me once (in teary eyes) that he doesn't want an end just like this. He even tried to hide which movie had caused his tears to flow in front of me while telling it, just so I won't be able to have an idea of doing the same. Indeed, we didn't have to end this way, because we ended up in the worst way ever. He left me .... not just by blindfolding my eyes, but leaving my heart, my mind and my whole being clueless about everything. It still hurts every time I remember it. I wish I could go back to that night when we were in that front sit of a cab, while he's sharing this movie. That's when I loved him most. It's when he told me he never want me to leave, and he would not too. That's the night when I thought and have fully believed he loved me just the same ... even more than I expect. I wish he really did. At least for that night. ~

It makes me cry every time .... :'(

I remember. #1

Hello to my new blog :)

New because of the template and some changes made, though the content is still non sense as it is before. Anyway, it'd been a hard choice for me since I'd loved the former look of my blog. Well, changes aren't as bad as we think it is, right?!

BEHIND MY SMILES ARE TONS OF DEATH THREATS.

It was ........

on my 18th birthday. You told me to treat you all because it's my day. I really want to, but I don't know how to invite you, knowing that none of you had the courage to accompany  me or even have small talks with me that time. I end up forgetting about the idea and just celebrate with my friends somewhere else. I don't have any friends at school, and you ....you were one of those that I really like to know. Right from the start, it's you whom I really want. ... and I'm not like you, because I mean everything that I've said and until now I know it's all true ..................

I'm such a fool to even remember this. Anyway it was just a small talk. I couldn't even call it one, because I had not responded. It happened two times on that day. First is when we are going to the Cooperative, me ahead of all of you, my classmates. You noticed my shirt and you were surprised that I was in a CAT in high school, which sounds you were underestimating me. I didn't mind though. Nothing you said made me hate you, if you know what I mean here. It's what you did, just for clarification. The second incident was what I have mentioned earlier. 

Those times were the best memories I had. Every memory I have about you are the most cherished treasures of my life. I may hate you for what you did, but it could never wash away the love I felt for you ... ~

THE REWARD THAT I DESERVE.

I AM. EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE.

I badly need a book to read right now. Though I still have lots of unread ones in my shelves, I want something that would be of my real interest. I want something that could bring me out in this reality for a while. I want a book that could make me forget. But well, I don't have enough money to go buy a new one. I had lost all my money on a store that isn't even earning. I hate my life, and I need a book to at least brace me for a while. 

Alam mo yung feeling na .... ikaw,.. alam mong ok ka na pero alam mo rin na konting bagay lang maaapektuhan ka pa. Na alam mo sa sarili mo na nakakabangon ka na pero konting sagi lang pwede kang matumba ulit? Tapos yung taong nanakit sayo .... kakamustahin ka bigla na parang walang nangyari... na parang di ka niya sinaktan ng sobra-sobra, na parang wala kayong nakaraan. Yung tipong pinamumukha niya sayo na siya ok na ok na ...... at ikaw .. alam mo na araw-araw ... pinaghihirapan mong mabuti na maging ok ka na. Na may lakas pa siya ng loob na kamustahin ka matapos ng ginawa niyang pang iiwan sayo na parang aso ka lang na pinagsawaan na niya. Ang sakit. Di ko mapigilan maiyak. Paano ako nagagawang tratuhin ng ganito ng mga  tao. Naging mabuti naman ako sa kanila ah. Sana naman magising ako isang araw na kahit isang tao sa paligid ko may pakialam sakin. Sana pagmulat ng mata ko may taong magpapakita sakin na mali silang lahat, na di sila dapat ganito sakin. Grabe. Ang sarap lang talagang magpakamatay. As in ngayon na. ://////

Can I get into heaven if I kill myself?

Heaven is what's keeping me from doing it. I still haven't gathered enough courage to face the consequence of what I would do. But it seems the best escape I have from this life I am in right now. I know I am not in the worst situation, but being in  my  shoe isn't that real good either. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I wish I was strong enough to kill myself right now. But I fear God, and I fear taking something that's isn't even mine. I wish I have not received this life, for they all call it a gift. It's not a good one for me. I don't deserve it, and someone else does. I want to die now. Please Lord, take my life.

I’d dress nicer but I don't have the money or body.

You hate me?! ... well ... I HATE MYSELF MORE!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a very strange dream yesterday. I didn't know I was asleep ... it feels so real. The scene was I was lying on my back in the kitchen when suddenly a tall man, who happens to be my 'boyfriend' in that dream came to me and begin cuddling. I wasn't stopping him, knowing that he's my 'boyfriend', yet I can't hide the disgust that I'm feeling which is very apparent on how I continually push him away every time he tries to get closer and closer to me. Then after a few moments,he tried to kiss me on  my lips, which of course I forcefully get rid of. I  felt only one thing all throughout the scene ....  disgust. Though the man  is actually good looking (I even told him on my dream that he looked like John Estrada which I first mistakenly called John Lloyd), I don't feel at least attracted to him at all. And you know what? I actually uttered the words "It's still him" while picturing the most handsome face of my  ... GA. Then after that I was finally awoken by my father. 

Upon getting up, I've realized one thing.... I don't think I will ever enjoy another relationship again. I even thought about not getting married, which is sad because I dreamed of wearing a gown and walking down the aisle of a church... but I just ... don't feel like being on it anymore,... knowing the fact that the man that I want to wait for me at the end of the aisle and would grab my arms and will bring me in front of the altar had already been gone in my life. :( Yes, my conclusions are non sense and it's not right  for me  to  draw conclusions and think ahead, but it's what I feel right now so please respect me. LOL. Kidding aside, I hope you know that feeling when you have all the interest on something yet you know it isn't coming ... which is, in my case... getting married to the man I really, really love. 

It's too early for me to tell these things, and no one knows, not even me... what will happen on the next days and years of my life. It's either I'd have him again, I'd have someone new, and what's worst, not having anyone for the rest of my life. Of course of all three, I'd better get the latter, which is the worst that could happen but far more reasonable and better for me. Having him again is .... ah .... 1/99 chances. :((((((( And I don't think I'd love that to happen ... though deep inside I still want it. I mean, you  know that feeling when you want something yet you don't love to have it? I may want him back, but I don't think it would be the best for  me. After everything that happened between us, I don't think I still have all the guts to say 'yes' again. With  regards to meeting someone new .......................... oh ............ I don't know, but what's for sure is that I don't want to be madly, deeply in love again with any other man. And for now ... like what happened on my dream ...  I don't want to be in another man's arms ..... it's just way too disgusting, I'm  sorry. 

I'm actually not in the mood to do anything now, even posting here on my blog. Though I have a lot of things in mind, I don't have the guts to spurt it all out. I don't mean being lazy, it's just that I'm again undergoing my 'depressive days'. These days were the times when I feel too empty inside and completely stupid and useless that I just want to die. I don't really want to be in this situation, but it happens .... it just happens. Anyway, I've forced myself now to post because at least it could reduce the loneliness I'm feeling inside. At least posting is better than physically hurting myself right?! And I'm really trying my best not to go that far, though the urge is getting stronger as the days passes by.

I miss being happy... being really, really, really happy. I admit that I felt that in the most vivid times of my life, and the last time I remembered I was in cloud 9? Last year. Though I felt sadness and I've cried a lot, there's no doubt that I've been the happiest that I could ever be last year. Now I'm finding it too hard to recollect myself and start again. I know it's my fault, but it's kinda hard to be really happy especially now. Yes, happiness is a choice, and I really have chosen to be happy. But it's still hard you know. I can't act as if everything's ok. It's not. 

I  wish I could be someone, would be someone of value. I wish I could do a lot. I wish I wasn't as dumb as I am right now. Oh well, I guess all I can do is continue my struggle, and at a lot of prayers as well. Lately I've been getting away again. :(

Tropical. :0

....because it's so damn hot in here. :/

ARE WE?!

I still believe that someday we'll meet again.  I don't know if you're ever gonna say hello, but I surely will. I will show you how better I became without you. I will not let you see how I am just after you left me. I will make sure you'd know that I'm ok, that I lived. I will make you regret what you've done to me ..........

I don't have you now, which means I'M NOT OK. Which is true. I am not and will never ever be okay.

 Wish you were here. I miss you so bad. :/

I don't really have to be stressed but I've observed that as my summer vacation begins, distress came along with it. I don't know what exactly happened to me that made me feel this way. I am stressed about necessary things, but  I don't think I  have to feel too much like this. This summer vacation, I have to relax and rest, not worry about so many things. Anyway, I think it's part of growing up. I am officially a young adult now, and I have to learn to deal with such things. But I don't really understand why I am feeling like this. I'm way too stressed about being stressed, and that's kind of a very hard thing to deal with. I pray that it will all be resolved as soon as possible. I don't want to ruin my vacation, the only time I could forget about everything in school. :/

....AGAIN. and you know .. it's all I really want to do every single minute of my everyday. ..... ~

YOU DIDN'T LOVE HER. You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don’t destroy the person that you love.

— Callie Torres, ‘The Heart of the Matter’ 

Right after the breakup....

Here I am alone in this empty room,
And let my mind just fly you to the end.
Thoughts of you still linger in my memory
Wondering why my life is not that fair.

I could still recall, those memories of you,
The joy and all your laughter,
The love that we've been through.
Oh I can't believe, you're gone...

I don't want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don't want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
'Cause I don't wanna feel the pain in my heart

Talkin' to my self, for reasons I can't find.
Findin' out why everything went wrong.
Tears fallin' down on my cheeks,
That I've been tryin' to hold.
I just dunno if I could still go on.

I wanted you to stay,
The tears began to show,
You said you care for me,
But then you have to go
And now I know, you're gone.

I just can't believe, you're gone...


After a few months......

Each passing night
I try and close my eyes
But thoughts of you
They wake me up
And tear me inside out

Each passing night
I ask myself who's right
And try to find the reasons why
It had to end that night

Didn't we share each other's dreams
We held each other tight
Ang tears fell fromm my eyes
As you walked and left me here
Like the wind you passed me by
I try but I can't see
If it's something that I said
Baby please won't you tell me now
'Cause it gets harder each passing night

I often pray
That you'd come back and stay
We've had too much together
To ever live a part
I'll wait and see
'Cause I know and I believe
Someday you'll come to realize
What you and I can be

Then we'll share each other's dreams
We'll held each other tight
Kiss the tears that burn my eyes
'Cause you walked and left me here
Like the wind you passed me by
I try but I can't see
If it's something that I said
Baby, please won't you tell me now
'Cause it gets harder each passing night

I never meant to hurt your heart this way
Sooner or later
There'd be someone else who'd stay

 Now.......

Since you left me, I never really tried
To put my life to where it should belong
And I've always let the past gone by
I'm realizing that it could be wrong

But now I fin'lly knew
I had to let it go
To make way for a brighter tomorrow

So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
The way I did before

Since I know that I never will forget
The memories that made my yesterday
I will try not to let it interfere
The choices I will make along the way

'Cause I'm not livin' in a world of fantasy
I'm here now in the world of reality 

In any relationship, every time you lie you are moving one step closer to goodbye.

So, you lied because you're saying goodbye, and you thought it would be the best way?! now I know. thanks for all the lies.

HE will do something new today! AMEN! :) A blessed morning everyone!

I miss my books. I haven't read since the editing of our research paper started ... and it was like ... 2-3 weeks now?!?? But I promised myself that after my busy days, I will turn to my numerous books awaiting at my table. :) But well, it was a good thing though, because it's also 2-3 weeks since I last tried to stop myself from buying books. After our defense, I will probably go back to how my life started this year .... seeing myself in Booksale surrounded by soooooooo many books. Can't wait to check new arrivals soon. :) I am looking forward to buy that Confessions of a Shopaholic. I want and I must! ~~

Amen to that!

There are still times when I think about ... us... before. But you know what? I have noticed something .... the pain ... it seems vanishing. I don't know if I became numb or .. is this what they call "getting over"?! Well, I still don't want to conclude on that. I mean, here I am again, feeling like I'm moving on and then one situation, one incident, and I end up seeing myself torn apart again. I think I should just enjoy my life now. If memories came, then there's no reason for me to deprive myself of it. Anyway, good or bad memories about "us", it's still something I'd treasure forever in my heart. No room for bitterness for now. :) ♥

~~just chillin' a bit before our thesis defense a few hours from now. :) I'm nervous, I haven't reviewed and memorized everything (oh, well, I am not capable of memorizing though). Relaxing isn't a crime right? I still have all the chance to give myself at least a little break. I don't have to hug distress and worry now. It won't help. All I need to do is clear my mind, focus, pray, and believe that God is with us. It keeps all the fear away.  After an hour tomorrow, I would and I claim that I will be enjoying my summer vacation. :)

A couple of posts would do before I get back to work again. :) 

:D