Our first film together. ♥ ~missing the old days ....

It's only you, and would only be you .. GA.

Comparisons are easily done

Once you've had a taste of perfection

Like an apple hanging from a tree

I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed

You said move on, where do I go?

I guess second best is all I will know

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you

(Thinking of you, thinking of you)

Thinking of you, what you would do

If you were the one who was spending the night

(Spending the night, spending the night)

Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter

Like a hard candy with a surprise center

How do I get better once I've had the best?

You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!

(Taste your mouth)

He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you

(Thinking of you, thinking of you)

Thinking of you, what you would do

If you were the one who was spending the night

(Spending the night, spending the night)

Oh, I wish that I was looking into

You're the best, and yes, I do regret

How I could let myself let you go

Now, now the lesson's learned

I touched it, I was burned

Oh, I think you should know!

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you

(Thinking of you, thinking of you)

Thinking of you, what you would do

If you were the one who was spending the night

(Spending the night, spending the night)

Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes

Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won't you walk through?

And bust in the door and take me away?

Oh, no more mistakes

'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay

~though I've been torn between hating and loving you, the latter still overpowers both. Ga, for another time I'd say this, just to get through a hell out of it this very day. I was hurt. Really hurt after I lost everything about us. I was very upset that you've just given me up just like that. You could have told me in a nicer way. You could have chosen the best way to detach yourself ... not how you did last time. And what's worst, you did it in a more painful way. Like before you used a single blade sword .. and then now it's double bladed. Ga, you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I've been struggling each day, fighting against the sadness of losing you. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do, and there's nothing I could do about it. Fr's right. Pain can be relieved, but the suffering is still there. I have been living my normal life again. Since you were gone, I have learned to stand on my feet and rise again from the torment with which you have left me. I'm happy now, and there's no doubt about it. But you know what? I feel incomplete. Like I was really happy but then, still there's something I know that's missing. Ga, I know I never cross your mind anymore, and you don't give a shit to whatever is happening to me right now. Though it hurts, my mind is not tired of thinking of you. My whole system is already giving you up, but my mind ... and my heart ... they were the strongest part of me, yet the weakest when it comes to you. You never ever left my cognition, just as you will never be replaced in my heart, and that's for sure.

This is unfair for myself, but I think it would be more unfair if I will force myself to forget about you and unlove you. Anyway, there's nothing I can do. I have tried everything I can not to fall for you, but I end up being the loser. 

Ga. I love you so much. You shouldn't hurt me that way. You could have told me directly ... that you don't love me like you used to. 

I'm tired of this. I want to stop now. But it seems dying is the only way I could escape this misery. 

I will never forget about you. You will always be in my heart, no matter who will ever come into my life, it's still you Ga. I know you know that. ...

You were the best, so tell me, how'd I get a better one?

The first day of duty was good. I enjoyed office / paperworks that I don't even want to go to school anymore. LOL. I just love filing and arranging things. I actually would want to stay more time, but since my co-students wants to eat lunch and go, I don't have any choice.

Well, my day wasn't too much of the duty and school. It's more on ...struggling against my memory. You know how my mind values things that have passed, whether it's wonderful or not.

I didn't expect it though. My day started reminiscing every single memory I had on the places we used to be and well, it ended up that way too. But what's good is that it didn't appeared to be some kind of a torture now. Let's say, I'm in constant commemoration of those things, just for the sake of it. NO HARD FEELINGS, though I admit I was affected by some of them.

I don't find it necessary to put it all here, those memories that came crashing through my mind today. But, why not? :) 

Well, it's just the places, the songs, the food .... whatsoever. The city is where his office was located when he was still here in Manila. I thought about his travel to get there. I mean before, while we were talking over the phone, he keeps on telling me every single detail like they crossed a railroad, there was a heavy flow of traffic due this and that. He was so specific, that when I go to that place, I will surely know it even though I haven't been there yet. So that's it. Well, the place was familiar because I've been there like two times. 

While I was waiting for the fx to come (which took all of my time, making me late for my first duty. errr!!!), I thought about, what if we're still the same. He would surely be with me on my way, or if not, he will fetch me at lunch break and I will not go to school anymore. Wow. 

Then the songs played like Amazed, IDWMAT, Come What May ... it all reminds me of him. 

And the food. We ate at a fastfood where we always eat because it is his favorite. Well, I didn't order his favorite meal ... not because I'm bitter about it, but because none of my classmates ordered that because costs more than their budget (so I have to deal with it). 

And ah .. on our way to school, I was trying to visualize the way he took each day to get to his office. Well, I've got one way, and I have imagined him there. 

We've passed through different places which are very memorable to me (yeah, only me.).

Yeah, I admit that all I did today was think about him.

Then, a realization came into my mind. I STILL LOVE HIM. No more, no less. I don't think I will be able to have another man to kiss me in my lips. I want him to be the last. I actually imagined myself a while ago ... being alone and everything ... growing old happy for him and for myself ... because I fulfilled my promise that after him, no one else could be in my heart. Yeah, I'm so stupid. But I've also thought about me, marrying someone else, and fulfilling my promise that he will be one of the principal sponsors. hahaha! But I know that if that moment comes, I would be really unfair to the one I'll marry because in my heart, it is only him. Which makes me so pathetic. Why do I keep loving a person who dumped me just like that? I don't know. I really don't know. 

Though I love him still with all my heart and mind, I promised myself that I will never ever engage myself to him anymore. The hurt was enough. I love him but I know now what should I do. I won't allow him to own me again. It's enough that my heart is his forever, but not my whole self. I'd rather die single than die in his arms again. And I can't imagine myself having intimate relationship with him again (I actually forced myself to imagine it. LOL). Not because I hate him or I'm bitter. None of those two is existing right now. It's just ... I'm tired of being hurt because of him. That's all.

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So... FOR YOU....YEAH, YOU!.....as I have promised on our last  conversation (you know how much I value promises), I WILL NOT BOTHER YOU ANYMORE. I WOULD NOT FORGET ABOUT YOU, BUT I WILL MAKE SURE THERE WILL BE NO MORE ATTACHMENT BETWEEN THE TWO OF US FOREVER.THOUGH THIS HURTS ...................

MOVE ON.

If it's you, know why? 

1. Those that are in a relationship, let's face it, don't have anything in mind but their present situation.

2. Those who are in relationship are way too emotional or, let us say this they are way too in love that they actually don't care with what's going on around .. even to you, friend! 

3. The single friend is the one who has a lot of time to spend talking with you.

4. Those in a relationship is the one who actually needs advice, so what's left is you, the single friend who is the only one in her proper mindset.

5. The single friend is the one who sees everything, and dare not to be like the one who seeks the advice! LOL

So, better not be upset if you're the single friend. :) 

Good Morning! Today is the first day of my duty. I feel excited and .. nervous at the same time. I will be going there ALONE! Well, it isn't very exciting on the 'journey' part because I have already been there. So sadly, I won't be able to feel the exact excitement I had when I first came there on my own. 

Anyway, my emotions are for what I will be expecting there. I hope and I pray that this day will be very nice. I know, though I don't have 'friends' there, God won't allow me to be sad on this special day of mine. 

So, time to go now. Bye! Let's go Lord!

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Dear Lord,

Thank you for this wonderful day. I am glad I haven't had an idle time .. I've been productive and functional today. I have accomplished most of my tasks and it was so fulfilling. Lord, thank you also for the books. They were so good. I was very happy upon seeing those. I can't wait to bring them to my shelves. :) Lord, I pray for the success of tomorrow. May the next be a good one. Tomorrow, I will be on duty at Makati, please give me wisdom Lord and be with me, so that I could accomplish whatever they would let me do. May the next day be a great day Lord, and  I know it would, 'coz you're with me. I love you Lord! Thank you for all the blessings. I pray all of this in Your most Holy name. Amen. 

Definitely.

I give up. These past few days, you've been in my mind. Random things make me remember you ... and not just that ... but they force me to think about you.

So ... I come to think of our future. What if we meet again? What if you tell me it's time for 'us' again? What if we really are meant?

First and foremost, meeting you isn't an impossible thought. We're on the same organization and I'll probably be working with you after I finish my studies. So I'm thinking what would I do. Of course, because you're not here face-to-face with me, all I have in mind is to do good to you when I see you. Like, I would give you my best smile that you will never ever deserve. Well, I've been practicing now .. to control myself when it comes to my emotions. I have to learn to bite my tongue and stop my fast growing temper. I know, when the perfect time comes that our paths will meet again, I will be good to you. That is a promise. No nagging, no tears, no hard feelings. 

Second, I remember the last time you said you'd look for me when you're "free", and you pleaded I should not hide from you. We were crying a lot that time and I can feel all the love that I have for you, which until now .. I know still lies on each vein in my body. You told me, there will be a time for "us" again. I've thought about it for three days now, after all those silly stuff that keeps your name popping out of my head. And you know what? Today, just as I was on my way home, I end up to a decision ... that ... I will not engage with you anymore. Though I know you would never come back, there's still a 10/90 possibility that you'd tell me you still love me, and that we could continue our wrecked love affair because  you're already free. There are a lot more reasons for me to concede, but then I prefer those reasons that will make me hold on to the decision I've come up with. 

 I WILL NEVER EVER LET YOU HURT ME AGAIN.

Our past is enough. Though I still love you (and I know I'll forever will), I will not take the risk of being yours again. Yes, I'm weak. I know that. But you are not worth fighting for, and that's what you let me see in our past relationship. All those hurtful words and actions are enough to make me ... love myself more. And I know I will never regret my decision, like I never regret what we had before ... it was such a good memory that will forever be in my heart.

Last but not least, I'm not that stupid anymore to still hope that we are meant for each other. I don't believe in destiny or fate. Everything is working because of God's will, and more of, your own personal decision. It was my decision to love you, to make you feel I love you, to do forget myself because I love you. I chose to be hurt, and now, I choose to be free... from you. 

I know, you'll never love me like you used to. 

Thanks anyway.

Don't worry, I won't expect that you love me still and will love me forever. 

I know you know this ... :(

The best thing to do.

THE BLUE LAGOON. 

His favorite movie. 

~why do such things keep taunting me ...

With people, yes. It's vague though, 'coz you'll eventually realize that you can't even see it in words. 

But with God, it's totally different.

His promises are everywhere ....

I can see it in words through the Bible...

And I can actually feel its fulfillment in my life...

So the only promise that we must always have to hold on to is HIS.

No one and nothing else in this world can promise us anything and do it ... only HIM.

The Almighty. The Most Holy.

GOD.

~had a very blessed day. life isn't fair, but God is good! :)

Fighting the urge again .... 

... to check his account 
... to open our email
... to see our photos together

~please, do not hurt yourself. keep yourself away from things that will make you feel bad. just go on with your life, do not spend your time thinking about a person who doesn't give a shit on you. Hold on to what keeps you alive, not with those that kills you each time. He's happier without you, keep that in mind. And you should be happy as well, even more. Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you break down, show him that you're the victor, now that he's gone. You're free, never forget that. That's one of the best things you attained after he left, the most precious thing that was taken away from you by his existence. Hold on.Be happy. Stay strong. 

I'm currently fighting the urge of hurting myself again.

-physically

-mentally

-emotionally

My strength, next to God.

Not enough that you know it.

I'm dying. I know I'm not supposed to be sad, I shouldn't let them win by seeing me get affected with what they do to me .... but then ... I'm human. I'm weak. 

Please .. help me out. I can feel suicide is crawling up again in the list .... 

I'm such a weakling. Even though all my life I have experienced losing my most intimate relationships, I'm still hopeful for a lasting one. Yeah, I'm undoubtedly living with my ideal world. I am such an illusionist, trying to pull back everything and hide them in my own world. But then, reality always strikes the hardest, but surprisingly, I wasn't even stunned, though hurt penetrates more than anything I could bear. 

I always ask myself what the hell was wrong about me, because people whom I become close with keeps on detaching themselves from me. Though not for days, but for years ... which makes it more painful. Having someone for a long time and then, with just a snap... they're gone. I don't mean death at this point of time. I... I am experiencing a new one right now. It's as if ... my recent relationships were going out with NO CONCRETE REASONS AT ALL.

Now, that leaves the big question in my mind. What did I do? I know for myself that I'm trying to do everything just to keep them and keep us going. But then, why is it that they constantly tear apart the relationship they have with me? With no clear reason? Am I a freak or something they should fear for?

Unfortunately, no one's here to answer but myself. It's so hard to be all on your own. I mean, yes, there are circumstances in life that things must only be within you. But I was .... all my life I was alone. Though I consider myself to having many friends, if not lots, why is it that I always end up searching for answers by myself? I mean .....

I AM ALWAYS ALONE.

Self pity as they call it, but more on a call for me. I need someone, like any other people in this world. This is something I never attain. I have them, but in situations where I am lost, no one's present to show me, maybe not the way but that they are with me. ...

------

At the end of it, I still manage to sort out the good side of it. Being used to the feeling of abandonment, rejection and loneliness makes me less vulnerable, though not entirely.. but I'm learning. And I'm starting to care less about anyone's opinions ... but sadly ... to anyone as well. I am this person who always care about people, but then all this slipping away of my important relationships seems banging me with the truth that I must care more about myself.

Now, I don't pretty much feel so alone, but there are times I want to wrap myself up and suffocate so I'd die right then and there. It's pointless though, because I'd only give them the satisfaction of seeing me deteriorating because they're gone, with which I constantly tell myself I shouldn't. I must live, no matter what. I shouldn't let myself be dragged down by anyone or anything. They are just ...... pieces compared to a lot more that's been up to me. I'll just have to see through it. 

so true ... :/

school.

forever alone! XDDDD

ipagpatawad mo ... oh .... minahal kita agad .... - nice song. :)