I'm such a weakling. Even though all my life I have experienced losing my most intimate relationships, I'm still hopeful for a lasting one. Yeah, I'm undoubtedly living with my ideal world. I am such an illusionist, trying to pull back everything and hide them in my own world. But then, reality always strikes the hardest, but surprisingly, I wasn't even stunned, though hurt penetrates more than anything I could bear. 

I always ask myself what the hell was wrong about me, because people whom I become close with keeps on detaching themselves from me. Though not for days, but for years ... which makes it more painful. Having someone for a long time and then, with just a snap... they're gone. I don't mean death at this point of time. I... I am experiencing a new one right now. It's as if ... my recent relationships were going out with NO CONCRETE REASONS AT ALL.

Now, that leaves the big question in my mind. What did I do? I know for myself that I'm trying to do everything just to keep them and keep us going. But then, why is it that they constantly tear apart the relationship they have with me? With no clear reason? Am I a freak or something they should fear for?

Unfortunately, no one's here to answer but myself. It's so hard to be all on your own. I mean, yes, there are circumstances in life that things must only be within you. But I was .... all my life I was alone. Though I consider myself to having many friends, if not lots, why is it that I always end up searching for answers by myself? I mean .....

I AM ALWAYS ALONE.

Self pity as they call it, but more on a call for me. I need someone, like any other people in this world. This is something I never attain. I have them, but in situations where I am lost, no one's present to show me, maybe not the way but that they are with me. ...

------

At the end of it, I still manage to sort out the good side of it. Being used to the feeling of abandonment, rejection and loneliness makes me less vulnerable, though not entirely.. but I'm learning. And I'm starting to care less about anyone's opinions ... but sadly ... to anyone as well. I am this person who always care about people, but then all this slipping away of my important relationships seems banging me with the truth that I must care more about myself.

Now, I don't pretty much feel so alone, but there are times I want to wrap myself up and suffocate so I'd die right then and there. It's pointless though, because I'd only give them the satisfaction of seeing me deteriorating because they're gone, with which I constantly tell myself I shouldn't. I must live, no matter what. I shouldn't let myself be dragged down by anyone or anything. They are just ...... pieces compared to a lot more that's been up to me. I'll just have to see through it.