I miss you, blog. 

FOUR = HIM

It's been a while since I've last dropped by this blog. I admit that I've been resisting the urge to post here because I don't want to see this blog anymore... for most of the things written here are about him / for him. I want to fully forget him after a year of letting myself savor all the pain his memories have caused me, and turning away from this blog is one way. So if this is my stupid reason for this silly action (ikr?!), what pushed me to post again?

Well, it's him. 

I haven't seen him for a year now. I promised myself that this year, I will help myself forget by not mentioning him on my blog, Twitter or Facebook account...but obviously, I can't. I've tried, but I guess, as what a song used to say, my best wasn't good enough.

I am currently reading Allegiant by Veronica Roth, the last book of the series. It has its significant character, Tobias Eaton / Four, who keeps on reminding me of him. Though of course he couldn't be as perfect as any fictional character, Four's description (not the physical) is more like... HIM. And no matter how much I try to put him off my mind, I end up thinking that for once in my life I have met that fictional character in real life. Oh well, I know this is so pathetic but what can I do? I can just tell myself to leave his memories behind but at the end of the day, before I close my eyes to sleep, all I remember is how we used to be. A_N_D_I_T_H_U_R_T_S a little. 

This is why I love this blog. I may be learning to suppress my feelings but still, I need this for a release. My blog knows how to listen to me, and I'm glad it exists. 

I am really sleepy right now and I have to sleep because I've got a mountain of school works waiting all over my room. But then, I feel that I have to do this.... I mean.. posting. This isn't a relevant topic but it is an issue to me personally.

So there's this guy, a former classmate of mine who'd been flirting with me. We've last seen each other for more than a year now, and actually it was the second time we've met since our graduation in Elementary almost ten years ago. That day was unforgettable, though I'd really want to omit that on my memory.

It was a hot summer day (hot, because it's summer and it's a day. duh to myself! hahaha! I'm sorry, I just want to start that way LOL). He invited me for his despedida since he will gone for Australia. I was expecting it was just the two of us, but when I reached in the place where we are supposed to meet, I saw him with another guy. They stood up as I approached him and immediately led me to the car. I was hesitant but he's really begging for me to come along with them for a moment. Since he is a friend of mine, I accepted his invitation, considering that it might be the last time I'd see him. So I sat at the back part with him at this very literally hot car with no air condition with a drunk driver (his companion). While on our way, he asked for a favor.... his 'last favor' before he head to Australia... and that is, for me to pretend to be his girlfriend. He said that he told his friends he will be fetching up his girlfriend (me). I was really shocked and that time I really wanted to smack him with my fist. Anyway I kept myself calm until we came to the location. It was a house, and I don't know who the hell owns it. And you know what? I am the only girl there! I was really getting nervous at that time, with all the half-drunk men in the garage. He provided me a seat next to him. He tried to hold my hand and get closer to me, just to show them that we are what he told them. But I can't do it. He was whispering to me that I should just go with the flow but I just can't. For like five minutes (which is a lifetime to me) of sitting, I finally made up my mind that I should get up and go out with or without his consent. Of course I never forgot the polite way of saying goodbye, but I did it very quick because I am not happy with what's going on there. This former classmate of mine took the initiative to walk me outside to the other street where we've waited for a tricycle to appear. While waiting, he confessed his feelings for me, but he sad because I failed to attend to his last request. I told him I can't pretend, that it is something that we shouldn't fake. Then he asked me another favor, with all his teary eyes and begging face, that before we say goodbye, I'd give him a kiss. Yes, a kiss and I was like "Ok I have to go". But I didn't do that. I told him I can't kiss him because the only man I want to kiss is my boyfriend who is patiently and worriedly waiting for me in the convenient store near that area. He did this really sad face and good thing a tricycle finally came in to my rescue. In the tricycle I can't stop myself from shivering, though it's a hot day. When I alighted, I was rushing to that convenient store and when I saw my ga there, I started crying and I hugged him immediately. I was so scared and I only found relief when I am already with him.

 After that incident we didn't talk anymore, I didn't even know when he went to Australia. But after a year through Facebook, we had our way to communicate again, until now. So lately, he was chatting with me. Because my ga and I already broke up and I was really hurt, I've tried to ride with my former classmate's flirting ... but I just can't. Not because I feel guilty for being such a bitch, but because I've realized that it's really hard to flirt with someone you don't love. Well as think about those people who can mingle with another person while "loving" someone else, I can't help but say to myself, "wow, how did they do that? it's hard you know." It really is. When I am flirting with him, I can feel all the hairs in my arms rise up, and I feel like I want to puke. I am so disgusted with myself, that's why I've stopped doing it after that one time I did it. Just this night he messaged me telling me that he missed me, that he wants to talk with me before he sleeps and he wants me to fond but I CAN'T. I told him to just sleep. I CAN'T DO IT. I'M DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF WHENEVER OUR CONVERSATION STARTS!

Of course I don't want to ruin our friendship, and I know he'd not allow that to happen too. But if it is what is required to do, then I won't hesitate. This is so pathetic of me, but I can't force myself to love another man. I can live a single life forever if God won't send my prince, but I will never flirt again just so I could move on from the past love I've been. For now I will be contented as I am. Never will I try to flirt again with someone I don't feel anything special with. It's so disgusting, I'm telling you. 

December 22, 2012

Status ito ng isang former classmate ko nung college sa FB. Grabe. Tinamaan ako. Ito. Ito yung saktong makakapag describe ng pakiramdam ko noong December 22 noong nakaraang taon. Ayoko ng maalala pa ang gabing yun. Lalo na yung mukha niya. Ayoko na. Masakit. Sobra. 

FYI, lalaki nag post nito. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang nangyayari sa kanya, pero batay sa mga wallposts niya, naghiwalay na sila ng gf niya. Ang nakakaloka dun, mahal na mahal niya yung babae.... SOBRA! Karamihan ng mga sinasabi niya sa FB napagdaanan ko lahat nung ako din nasasaktan ng sobra. Grabe di ko akalain na ang mga lalaki pala ganun din. I mean, oo given ng tao rin sila, pero syempre bibihira ang lalaking expressive sa nararamdaman niya lalo pag nasasaktan ng babae. Pero ito grabe mahal na mahal niya. Nakakaawa, nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa kanya nung mga panahong di ko rin matanggap ang mga nangyari sakin. Pero malalagpasan niya rin yun. Hindi na kailangan pa ng kapalit, makakamove on din siya. Hindi niya malilimutan yun, lalo't mahal na mahal niya. Pero katagalan, kung tutulungan niya ang sarili niya, maiibsan din ang sakit paunti-unti... mauubos din ang lahat ng sakit. Maswerte nga siya, ang dami niyang kaibigan na sumusuporta at dumadamay sa kanya. Ako, mag isa sa laban. Ni isang encouraging word man lang wala akong nakuha. Buti na nga di pa din ako natuluyan, LOL masamang damo. hahahaha! Anyway, wala lang. Nakamove-on man na ko, yung sakit minsan bumabalik pa rin. Hindi man sobra ng dati, pero sapat pa rin para maalala kong "oo nga pala, mahal ko pa rin siya.... "

TRUE LOVE ♥

is...

-feeling disgusted when flirting with another man

-not capable of engaging oneself into a relationship with another man

-not even having the capacity to imagine yourself kissing and cuddling another man

-marrying or being with another man have never crossed your mind

-being content and not looking for anyone else anymore. 

And that's when I know that true love is what I've felt for you~~~

Just a little slap of reality. :/

It's been a long time. I really, really want to post a lot of things but then I have limited time and energy to do so. Anyway I'm glad I've managed to open this blog tonight and post something. 

So ... I've seen this photo just now from Facebook and then I realized that it perfectly speaks about what I am feeling earlier, so I was motivated to post this while waiting for my downloads to complete. I had been in front of my computer for like 5 hours now, and I'm busy downloading stuff for this netbook of mine. While I was waiting, for the windows update to stop checking for updates, well, I wasn't allowed to browse any other part except for that, so I was left in silence and total peace as I waited. Then suddenly, thoughts about my past, specifically those I've already celebrated for being forgotten popped up in my mind. Funny thing is, it hurt me. Yeah, I mean this is embarrassing I know, but it really did hurt me. So just to avoid getting into it more, I've forced myself to stop the checking of updates and just keep myself busy with some other things. I even browsed nonsense sites just to keep my head from thinking about such things and the like. So what's the point here. Read again what's written in the photo. Not because I haven't moved on yet or whatever, but it's more of all this time, I have been fooling myself. I have been running away from those things by keeping myself busy with some other more sensible stuff but in fact, they are all just stored in the subconscious part of  my cognition and then it will be powered up when I am idle. This sucks, but I have no choice. I don't want and I don't have to live each day mourning for that whole year. My grief doesn't change anything in the past, and it would surely not help in my future. I know for fact that this mind of mine, though I may tend to forget a lot of things quickly but those that have affected me emotionally will forever mark in my head, which is not cool. The only escape I know is to keep them all away from my head by thinking about many other things. But of course it doesn't kill the memories. It's there. And when I allow it, it will be easy to dig all those again than it is to bury them in the deepest, most secret place in my brain. I know this is somewhat pathetic but this is true, and I hate myself for it. 

*Sorry for the extra large size of the photo. I just really want to emphasis it. :D

Plans after the busy days.......................

I'm planning to have another blog. I want it to show a different side of me ... someone who is cheerful, full-spirited, enthusiastic, and positive. I want it to be wholesome. It wasn't a secret to everyone that this blog holds dreadful past reflections and are going to be kinkier as time passes by. Now I don't think it's a good idea to have only one blog that will show what my mind thinks about, because as for myself, I am not a kind of human being with one distinct, consistent attitude and mindset. I mean, let's face it, all of us, people, have our different sides. Why is it so hard to accept guys? Why are we so judgmental that contrasting ideas in one vessel starts the fire in our minds and mouths? 

Enough of the grumblings, I am determined to do this. Not now, but soon. I feel the need to sort out my dark thoughts from my heavenly ideas. :) I'm not doing this because I want to impress anyone ... NO NO NO! I'm doing this because I want to maximize my freedom of expressing myself. 

Two blogs. That's all and I will be fine. :)

 Another plan ... I want to learn how to play guitar. SERIOUSLY this time. Actually, I'd really want to learn how to do the drums but since all I've got in here is a guitar, I think it's best to utilize what's available for me. Now regarding this, I don't want to engage to guitar playing classes ... I want to learn by myself. I can do this. I will do this. :)

Next plan is .... continue my travel mania. :) I've not been in farther places since I am very busy earning every cent I have for books but I don't think it should be a hindrance for me to travel. Travelling doesn't only mean going to places and having fun. What I mean here is the fulfillment of one of my dreams .... being in different churches. :)

So, this is all for now. I'll have to work on these before pursuing another set of plans. :) I know and I believe I can do this. GOD IS WITH ME! :)

And after all.... you're my wonderwall..... (such a great song)

Yesterday's Accomplishments....

1. I was able to help my father in our business. Morning shift. :)
2. I've met Queenie, my new niece and were able to hold her tiny body in my arms.
3. I was able to attend to the wake of ... I guess it's my cousin with my father and younger sister.
4. I'm done researching about the different spiritualities and reading the hand out given by our professor in Religious Pedagogy.
5. I'd had a good sleep at 6PM - past 7, and I'll have it again right after I post this. :)))) 


#dowhatmakesyouhappy
#everydayisanaccomplishment

Wow, I missed my blog so much. :) I've been very busy in school works that I actually can't find time to post. It's not because this is not important, but my time is just so limited and occupied. Anyways, I'm so happy to post again. It's past 2 in the morning and I'm still awake, doing researches and the like. I'm happy because there are a LOT of things to do, and challenge for all these pressures. :) Take a sneak peak at my schedule of deadlines and schedule of accomplishing everything:

Deadlines:

Monday - lesson plan, powerpoint, report in religious pedagogy

Tuesday - spirituality research

Wednesday - rh law, take home test

Thursday - reading #3, exam in religious pedagogy / practicum

Schedule:

Saturday morning- spirituality 

saturday afternoon - report

saturday evening - teaching model

Sunday afternoon - powerpoint

sunday evening - reading #3

Monday - take home test

Tuesday morning - rh law

Tuesday evening - take home test review

Wednesday - rewrite reading #3

This is so mind blowing but I love it! Doing a lot is far way better than idleness. I love it when I have to think about a lot of RELEVANT things ... it saves me from pondering about trash memories. Oh well, bitterness ahead! hahahaha! Kidding aside, these things that I have to do are no reasons for me to give up. It actually fires me up, really. I know I can do this all, because God is by my side. For now, I'll go to bed and take some rest. Having lots of responsibilities doesn't mean you have to forget you are living. Taking all the pressures should still be enjoyed. How? Just love what you're doing and believe that God is with you always. That will definitely make the burden light. :)))

So.... this is a very good thought for this morning. :) Only 'her' did not recognized my effort and value, and so I don't have to waste my time hating myself for it because there are a lot more people, or should I say, there will also be one person who will be appreciative enough to acknowledge what I've done good to them. Eventually I will be able to find an audience, without trying so hard to please anyone out there. :) 

Answered Prayer =)

So before I closed my eyes last night, I prayed to God that He wake me up early this morning. And guess what? I woke up even before our alarm clocks blast. My sister jumped out of our bed because she felt something crawling (which happened to be a dirty cockroach) and well, it made me wide awake. :) Truly, God answers prayers! Good Morning! :)))

HELLO, BLOG!

When I was looking at his photos during my birthday, I was thinking, "What the hell is with this guy that I am dying to have him?" Well, I just can't explain why. He's not that gorgeous, all sexy man you'd ever imagine, he's plain and he's old! But I love him, and that's what's so important to me. :D