the first one to say goodbye....

I'm crying right now. Papatayin ko na sana tong computer ng maisipan kong once more, buksan ang fb ko. I saw a former classmate's post to my high school katukayo's wall, "condolence". So in-open ko yung profile nung katukayo ko.

So there. ang tumambad sa akin, mga posts ng iba't ibang tao na nagpapaabot ng pakikiramay sa kanya at sa kanyang pamilya. And her profile photo? It's she and her father.

Naiyak ako bigla .. natakot .. nalungkot. May isang post kasi dun na naka-catch ng attention ko. Sabi dun, "kaya mo yan..."

Kaya ko kaya? Kahit kailan ayoko, kahit na sa imagination ko lang mangyari na ganun. Hindi ko kakayanin. Masagi lang sa isip ko yung death of a loved one, parang nagigimbal na ang buong mundo ko. Ayoko. Hindi ko kaya.

I'm not an expressive person, and that's one thing I regret most. I want to change, pero feeling ko it's too late na. Ewan ko ba. i want to tell everyone how much I loved them, esp. my parents and my siblings but .. I just can't. Pero deep inside my heart, I really, really love them.

I still wish I would be the first one to say goodbye.