I'd like to own a tree house like this. :)

Reality bites.

Kailan kaya ako gaganda??

Ilang araw na akong pinapansin ng kaklase ko sa school. Alam kong matagal niya ng namamasid, pero ngayon niya lang naisipang sabihin. Tuwing uwian, bilang babae, pumupunta kami sa cr. Syempre .. paganda, re-touch, powder, suklay, make-up ...sila. Ako hindi. Hindi naman kakaiba to dahil noon pa man hindi na talaga ako natutong mag-ayos ng sarili ko. Kaunting powder at suklay, ok na ko. Pero bakit niya ako pinansin? Kasi .. mayroon akong kakaibang ginagawa (para sa kanya at sa kanilang mga nakakakita ..) ...hindi ako naharap sa salamin.

Noon pa mang highschool ako, mayroon na akong kakaibang takot sa salamin. Mapamalaki o maliit, takot ako. Noong nasa Muntinlupa pa nga ako, mas malala dahil kahit minsan sa loob ng isang taon na yun hindi ko inaninag ang sarili ko sa salamin. Buti nga ngayon e, pag nandito sa bahay natututo na akong harapin ang sarili kong reflection kahit na sandali lang at pahapyaw lamang.

Bakit ganun? Oo, tingin ko nga abnormal ako .. pero may takot talaga akong nararamdaman e. Isipin mo na lang, papasok ako ng girl's cr, e syempre malaki ang salamin at hindi pwedeng di ka titingin dun bago ka man lamang pumasok ng cubicle. Kaya ang style ko, yuyuko ako o kaya naka-focus lang ang tingin ko sa pinto ng mga cubicles, maiwasan lang ang nakakatakot na bagay na iyon. Hindi lang takot ... kundi matinding pandidiri sa sarili ko ang nararamdaman ko.

Kahapon, tinanong ako ng isa ko pang kaklase kung bakit lagi akong nasa labas lang ng cr. Tapos sumabat ang isa na takot ako sa salamin. Tapos nagtanong ulit siya, tanong niya, e pano pag nagpapowder ako, di ko nakikita ang sarili ko. Sabi nung sumabat, baka naman minsan nananalamin ako ... ayoko lang ng malaking salamin. Ngumiti lang ako bilang pagtugon. Mali siya. Pag nagpa-powder ako, di ko na kailangan ng salamin dahil may talento ako sa pagpapahid nun sa mukha ko ng di na kailangang magtanong o tumingin sa salamin. Ang totoo, mas maliit ang salamin, mas takot ako. Mabuti pa nga ang malaking salamin e, at least di sobrang close up ang mukha ko at may ibang bagay pa akong nakikita bukod sa sarili ko. Sa maliliit na salamin, sakto lang ang mukha ko ... tamang tama lang para takutin ako.

Hindi ko sinasabi to bilang biro o katatawanan. Hindi rin naman ito ganun kaseryosong bagay. Hindi ako nagbibiro ng sabihin kong natatakot akong makita ang mukha ko. Totoo yun. Lagi akong takot na makita ang kapangitan ko. Tuwing masisilayan ko ang mukha ko, naiinis ako. .. at nahihiya akong humarap sa mga tao. Buti na lang talaga magaling ang pagkakagawa sa tao .. hindi niya makikita ang sarili niya. Pero napakalupit ng umimbento ng salamin. Hmm .. well naisip ko naman na ang talino niya rin naman talaga, kung sino man siya .. dahil gumawa siya ng isang bagay na nagpapakita at nagpapamukha ng realidad. Kung hindi mo nga naman nakikita ang sarili mo, mabubuhay ka sa ilusyong maganda ka ... pero dahil may salamin, alam mo kung san mo lang ilulugar ang sarili mo. Ang salamin ay isang instrumento na gumigising sa mga diwang naliligaw. Hindi nito hinahayaang mamuhay tayo sa kasinungalingan. Kung walang salamin at kung tatanungin natin ang mga tao sa paligid na sadyang ipinanganak na mga sinungaling kung ok tayo, malamang isasagot nila ang nais natin marinig. Di tulad ng salamin. Di na kailangan ng salita, isa itong piping saksi at tagasiwalat ng katotohanan. Katotohanan na .. pilit kong tinatakasan.

Alam ko namang pangit ako, pero hindi ako sigurado kung talagang natanggap ko na iyon. Tingin ko hindi pa. Pero tingin ko oo. Hindi ko alam. Tingin ko hindi pa kasi takot akong makita, pero tingin ko oo dahil nga takot akong makita .. ibig sabihin inilulugar ko ang sarili ko sa tama kong paglagyan. Ang ibig kong sabihin ... ang salamin ay ginawa para ipakita ang totoo sayo .. na kung maganda ka, may karapatan kang titigan ang sarili mo ng matagal .. pero kung pangit ka .. wag ka ng mag-abala pang tingnan dahil masasaktan ka lang.

Parang ganito ang naging 'rule' ko sa buhay ko. Ang maaari lang tumingin sa salamin sa paaralan ay yun lamang magagandang nilalang. Ang pangit na tulad ko, walang karapatang gumamit ng make-up, isang pagnanakaw ng sandali ang paglalagay ng powder sa mukha, ang magsuklay ay isang walang kwentang bagay dahil kahit anong gawin ko, di na ako gaganda. Hindi kailan man. Mamamatay akong pangit sa paningin ng lahat. Noon ayokong tanggapin ito, pero nung napansin ko na lahat ng tao ito ang sinasabi, natauhan na ako. Iisang tao lang naman ang nagsabi na maganda ako .. at ang sinungaling na iyon ay walang iba kundi si Yen. Oo siya, pero ok lang .. salamat sa kasinungalingan niya. Hanga ako sa kanya, dahil kahit na sinungaling ang isang tao, mahirap pa ring magbitaw ng kasinungalingan na magpapagaan ng loob ng iba. Pero siya, buong tapang niyang sinabi yun. Alam niyang di ako maniniwala .. pero sinabi niya yun para pagaanin ang loob ko.

Alam kong hindi tama itong mga sinasabi ko .. pero kayong magaganda na nakakabasa nito, hindi niyo alam ang pakiramdam na maging pangit. Sana kung alam niyong pangit ang isang tao .. wag niyo na lang saktan .. wag niyo ng ipamukhang pangit siya o kaya naman wag ka ng maging sarcastic o wag ka ng magsinungaling. Wag ka na lang magsalita. Hayaan mo na lang siyang mamuhay ng parang normal. Hindi na kailangan pang ipagdiinan at pansinin pa ang itsura ng mga tulad ko .. dahil alam namin iyon. Hindi kami bobo para di malaman ang realidad na iyon.

Kailan kaya ako gaganda? Ilabas natin ang usaping simbahan at ang panloob na kagandahan. This is purely physical. Kailan kaya ako magkakaroon ng karapatang gumamit ng make-up? Kailan kaya ako makakapag-lip balm man lang ng di pinapansin ng iba? Kailan kaya ako makakaharap sa salamin at makakapagsuklay man lang ng di ako pinagtitinginan ng mga tao na tila ba sinasabi ng mga mata nila na hindi ko maaaring gawin iyon lalo't andun sila. Kailangan kaya mawawala ang mga insecurities kong ito sa katawan?? Bakit ba .. bakit ba ako ganito ...

Manhid mo!!! Grabe!!!

I'd like to kiss you like this.

            Just because someone told you something, doesn’t make it so. Harsh, but true. Yes it’s shitty, yes it hurts, yes it’s disappointing, but how much of your time do you want to allocate to someone analyzing why he said something, how he said it, and why it isn’t so anymore? And there lies the crux of the matter because, how much of your life are you willing to expend on trying to force someone to SEE you, to LOVE you, to VALUE you, to RESPECT you, to CARE for you, and do some bare basics in the quest for happiness? How much misery does it cost you to gain your drop of happiness? Isn’t there a cut off point where you have to recognize that you are unhappy and that your quest to be happy with that particular someone is actually making you unhappy? You will find yourself at the gates of unhappiness if you stake your love on an uncommitted party and then commit yourself to the painstaking act of trying to get them to commit. Never force your love on someone and certainly never try to persuade someone to love you because you will never trust that what you have is real, wholesome, and committed. When someone makes you work so hard for their affections, you’re permanently on the back foot because deep down you know you shouldn’t have to prove yourself to someone in this way.

When I reach the "AGE" I'd like to have Alzheimer's disease, so that everyone I knew then can retell to me the moments I had with them. At least I know that they want to be remembered. :)

I think its time I let you go... and that is hard to do because part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life.

Ang sarap alalahanin ang nakaraan, 'yong tawanan, asaran, at kulitan.
Alam mo ba 'yong tunay na dahilan kung bakit masarap alalahanin 'yon?
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Kasi andoon "KA" kasama "KO".

I'm so in love with you .. ♥.♥

 AMAZED

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take

Baby, when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away

I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts, I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better

I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark

Your hair all around me
Baby, you surround me
You touch every place in my heart

Oh, it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better

I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better

I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do
Oh, every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

I’m not asking you to stay for the rest of my life, stay as long as you want.
No why’s, no how’s, no but’s, no promises. Just stay. It’s more than enough.

I'll always remember this.

The heart knows more than the mind. 

The mind may deny but the heart will always tell the truth.

Most of the time, we think we have to forget about someone and the feelings we have for them .. because it's the best thing to do. So, we force ourselves to forget, we do things that could hurt them to keep them away from us and we try to focus on other things to help us at least not think about them. Yes, there will be a time when we already know how to live without them being our first thought in the morning, how to do things without constantly missing them, and how to move on and don't recall the things you two have shared and have done together. But when your really love this someone, even if your mind have tried and successfully forgot about everything ... there comes a point when the heart reminds you that there's something inside that forgetting cannot deny, and that is, the feelings you have for that special someone. Then afterwards, everything comes in a flash, and you will just see yourself in the flood of memories again. It's so hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does. It's because the heart will always remind you the truth, the love you feel inside. I believe that mind is weaker, and the heart is smarter. The mind is weak in terms of giving in when the heart already shows reality. The heart is smarter in terms of it's capacity to know when the mind has already drown itself into forgetting, it immediately takes actions in digging and reviving the 'love' you have buried.

It's so hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does. Yes, it is .. but I believe time will come that you will not have to instruct your mind and heart to stop loving someone .. it just happens. It's like waiting for a wound to heal.

In another life, I would be your girl.

Thank God, I am not hurt anymore. :)

I'm a bit sad right now. My favorite blog from Tumblr that I have been following and reading everyday is gone. I don't know if the owner have just changed her url or have intentionally deleted the account. I am worried about her, because she is diagnosed with depression and do self-harm. The last post that I have read is about her panic attack which she altered by cleaning her room. I hope she's ok. I hope the url has only been changed .. and she's still alive and stronger right now. Her other blog, the first one I have read before is still available and still helps and give encouraging words to those self-injurers like me. I really pray she's ok right now.

I miss you.

Is there anyone out there like this?

I will. I will. I will. No matter what. I will.

When I am alone, I think about you.

When I think about you, I remember what you said before.

When I remember those words, I feel pain.

When I feel pain, I cry.

When I cry, I can't stop.

When you're there, that's when I become ok.

Please, don't leave me alone. 

YOU ARE THE DISEASE, AND YOU ARE THE CURE.

No, I have forgiven you already. Please don't do it again.

I know how it feels.

There's an invisible string that connect our hearts  .. that no distance could cut. ♥

Dreams.

I like dreams. I love them actually. Why? Because a dream is the only possible way to make your impossible wishes come true. Like, I always want to have this someone with me, and we can only be together in my dreams. Whenever I dream about this, I really wish I won't wake up anymore. But sometimes, everything just don't go with what you want .. during the climax, someone will wake you up and afterwards ... you end up forgetting everything that happened in your dream.

I like dreams because there, life seems to be perfect. Most of the things (the good ones) that happen is in line with what you are actually been waiting for too long to take place in reality. My frustrations, my failures, ... they're gone. Everything is just so perfect, you would never wish to stay out of it.

But of course, there are nightmares, the ones you never ever want to have and to get out too soon. Nightmares appear more realistic, which I really wonder why. For example, in your nightmare you are stabbed, it's as if you are really in that situation and you can feel the pain. But in dreams, it barely happens. I couldn't even feel my loved one's hug there, but seeing him do it to me is enough.

I have never dreamed of myself getting killed or dying. I don't want to see the killing, I just want to dream about me, just sleeping and then never ever came to consciousness again. At least, in my dream, it happened. I want a peaceful death. Everything around me is so miserable and messy, so I just wish that I could obtain the peace that I have been wanting in my death. At least in my death.

This is all I want to say. ♥

          I want to spend my days with you, all of them. I want to sit in bed with you, listening to music, play fighting and cuddling, just blocking out the rest of the world. I want to kiss you all over. I want you to grab my face and kiss me unconditionally. I want you to grab me from behind and wrap your arms around me and never let me go. I just want to be with you, and stay with you. I want to play with your hair and look at your eyes for hours while you tell me stories and we discuss who knows what. I want you to grab my hand and hold it as long as you can. I just want to be with you, so badly.

I'm not in the mood. :/

All things just piss me off today. I so hate myself for it. I wanna kill myself ... really. Well, I think I have to take a deep sleep before I totally ruin this day. I'm so tired of myself. I hope when I wake up everything would be fine.

Wag kang mag hahanap
ng taong nakakaintindi sayo,
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Ang hanapin mo yung taong
hindi ka iiwan kahit 'di ka naiintindihan!

"I'm strong and smart enough to accept everything without explanation.
After all, explanation just hurt when you know it is a lie .."

-Taylor Swift

Ganito ako bukas! hahahaha! Kaya matutulog na ako. Gusto ko mang magpost pa ng marami .. kaso gusto ko rin namang makarami ng tulog. Ayoko ng matulog sa school .. ang hirap .. sakit kaya sa likod. Pero buti na lang maaga ang uwi bukas .. makakapagpahinga pa ako. Ayoko na nga pumasok sa school e .. kung mayaman lang ako .. mas trip ko pa mag-homeschool. hahai. Pero ganito talaga ang buhay. Tiis tiis din. Sa totoo lang hindi naman yung academics at lessons ang ayaw ko sa school e. Yung mga tao dun. Yun lang naman. Mas ok pa sigurong mag-self study kesa ganun .. may klase tapos andami. Pero ganun talaga .. hindi naman dapat lagi na lang mag-isa ako .. kahit na sa ganito ako nasanay.

So ayun nga .. magpapaalam lang naman talaga ako. Matutulog na ko .. late na rin. Kaso di pa ko antok .. pero dapat kong pilitin. Ayokong magmukhang ewan bukas sa jeep. hahahaha! Good night! :) ♥

My dream bed. Astig no?! Kama na, duyan pa. Gusto ko talaga nito!!!! Pag mayaman na ko bibili talaga ako nito. Kasi .. ako yung tipo ng taong hindi nakakatulog sa kama o upuan (except na lang pag antok na antok na talaga) ... pero nakakatulog ako sa jeep, o kung saang bagay na gumagalaw. Gusto ko yung nagalaw ako ... yung dinuduyan .. parang ganun ang feeling. Mas mabilis akong makakatulog sa ganung paraan. hahaha! Siguro kasi sa 'hilo effect'. LOL

Tapos isa pa .. parang exciting lang tong kamang to. Kunwari may asawa na ko tapos ganito kama namin.. tapos magmamahalan kami .. astig no?! Dinuduyan kami. Tapos pag malikot kami .. galaw ng galaw yung kama .. hahaha! astig lang talaga. Gusto ko talaga to.!!!!!

As always.

one day, three autumns. --- > I MISS YOU. :)))

True, Loyal and Honest Friend. .. ako?! hahaha!

Natutuwa ako pag nagseselos ang lalaki. Ang cute lang. Pero syempre pag yung lalaki nagseselos tapos nananakit .. ibang usapan na yun. Yung pang mag-syota na selosan lang. Astig! Basta ang cute. Kikiligin ka .. hahaha! Muntanga lang e. 

Sa babae .. pag nagselos?! Ewan ko .. ganun nga ba talaga?? Di naman kasi ako ganun kaselosa .. pero oo .. medyo bayolente ako pag nagseselos. hahaha! Hindi naman ako nananakit physically, sinasabi ko lang .. like, "sige lapit pa, pag-untugin ko kayong dalawa e" o kaya, "wag kang sasandal sa kanya .. sapak aabutin mo sakin". Mga ganun. hahaha! Pero di naman ako nagger. Thank God. :)) 

Amazing!

COVER THE LINE IN THE MIDDLE THAT SEPARATES THE TWO COLORS USING YOUR FINGER AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS ... :)

Ako ulit. Ano ba ... why so guilty?! Hmpft! XD

Ako nanaman o. hahahaha!

       Gusto ko to. Hindi naman ako nangangarap ng bonggang mga kung anu-ano pag ikakasal na no .. pero gusto ko lang, if ever, na makaranas ng isang marriage proposal at maging engaged. Yung hindi kasal agad o sama agad. Sana no?! Sana talaga. Yun lang naman e .. sana magawa ko. Sana hindi ako ma-excite masyado sa pag-aasawa. Hahahahaha! At sana .. ma-engage ako sa lalaking .... ok na .. yung siya na talaga. ♥

Mga STRAW baga.

        Asar ako sa mga ganito. Mula pa noong Elementary at lalong lalo na noong High School, kontrang kontra ako dyan. Muntik na kong di maka-graduate noon dahil sa pakikibaka ko sa 'fairness and justice' na kailan man, ngayon ko lang napagtanto .. ay di nag-exist sa mundo. Lalo na ngayon sa kolehiyong pinasukan ko ... kung saan .. hindi ko inaasahang mismong kasa-kasama ko pa sa araw-araw ang ganito. Ang hirap kumilos. Parang medyo nabahiran ng kung ano ang pagsasama namin. Naiilang na ako. Pero ayoko namang masira ang pagkakaibigan namin dahil sa ganito. Sabi niya nga, hindi naman niya kagustuhan yon ... naipit lang siya, kapit sa patalim. Kapag daw dumating ang araw na malalagay ako sa parehong sitwasyon, malamang gagawin ko rin iyon. Natatakot ako. Natatakot akong dumating ang araw na iyon. Paano nga kung kailangan ng ganun? Pero naisip ko naman .. noong high school nga ako .. nakataya ang pag-martsa ko ng may karangalan sa ipinaglalaban ko ... pero pinagpatuloy ko pa rin. Kaso ngayon, mas seryosong bagay ang nakataya e ... yung kapasidad na mapag-aral ako. Kung mawawala ang 'scholarship' na inaasahan ko, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin. Baka nga mag-asawa na lang ako. Pero naisip ko ... hindi naman kailangang umabot ako sa ganun. Mag-aaral ako ng mabuti .. at patutunayan kong hindi ko kailangang tumulad sa iba .. na kailangang ibenta ang konsensya para sa kakarangkot na halaga ng numero. Sa ngayon, hindi na ako ganun kagalit .. hindi tulad dati na talagang wala akong sini-sino .. kaibigan man kita o hindi, basta ganyan ka .. galit ako sayo. Ngayon, kontrolado ko na. Iniiyak ko lang ng isang gabi, ok na ko. Naintindihan ko na ang malaking pangangailangan ng mga taong ganito .. pero hindi ibig sabihin nito ay ayos na sakin ang kalakarang ito. Kung sana .. kung pwede lang pigilan ..gagawin ko. Pero hindi e. Ito ang isa sa mga realidad ng mundo. Ito ang totoo. Hindi ko ito mababago .. pero kaya kong hindi na paramihin pa ang mga taong ganito kung mismong ako ay iiwasan ito. At least, kahit ako lang .. kabawasan na sa lumulobong populasyon ng mga taong 'straw'. Ang yabang ko no?! Akala napakalinis kong tao. Ipinapahayag ko lang ang saloobin ko sa isang paniniwala ko na natatakot akong bitiwan pagdating ng araw. Sana ... hindi dumating ang araw na iyon. Hindi ko hahayaan. Ayokong masayang ang pinaglaban ko noon.

♥♥♥

I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go.

I'd have a good sleep ... :) I will sleep with a happy ♥ .. I wish every night's like this. :))))

There are times when I really like to talk with some people but then I hesitate. I just feel like when I text them or called them or talked with them in person, it will make them angry. I am afraid I will only disturb them. I feel like I annoy them. So most of the time, I wait for them to contact me first, which, I know is not fair and good. Well, I think I have to learn how to change my mindset .. :)

I don't have a boyfriend, who cares?! I have you in my life, that's enough.

A while ago .. I have written a prayer request. .. and you know what?! I have written there ... "Lord, ayoko po munang magka-boyfriend, basta wag niyo lang muna siyang aalisin sa buhay ko ngayon ... ". hahahaha! 

Before, I always include in my prayer that I want to have a boyfriend as soon as possible. At first, I just want to have one .. but then as time passed by .. I want it so that I could forget the one that I love. But now, I don't want to have one anymore. I just want this 'someone' to stay in my life longer ... or .. maybe .. forever. This person isn't really the one I like but ... I that 'someone' is just so special that I want to live the rest of the chapters of my life with that person included in the characters.

I am very thankful to God that I have met that person. Maybe I couldn't have this person always with me (of course, I can't bring anyone with me always like a toy) but I pray that that person may be my friend until my last breath. No kidding. I am happy being single so long as that person would stay in my life.

A day well spent

I just had a great day with my former classmate, Christine. I wasn't really planning to meet her today ... I was actually thinking about how will I tell her I can't make it. But then, everything around made it possible. We've met at 3PM in National Bookstore. Still, I saw the same girl I have been with 2 years ago. Yeah, it's been two years since we've last talked .. but it was like we haven't been too far from each other when I saw her .. it was still the same as the old days.

We went to the food court, and there, she shared a lot about her experiences, her problems and as well as her happy moments, especially with her boyfriend. She's expecting me to tell something, like the old days, when I used to react on every word that she utter .. but this time, I am just quiet and I just laugh at her. She asked me if it's because of the course I am taking, which is, AB Evangelization .. that I have to be careful with my words. It's not like that, really. It's just that I don't want to interrupt her ... she looks really cute when she talks non stop. hahaha!

Then, we went to National Bookstore where she bought some things and then we proceed to the ever favorite, McDonalds. We continued our conversation there. We've talked about our high school mates. She told me that I've shared a lot about everyone except myself. ... but then .. she knows me, I never shared anything with everyone a lot.

Hmm .. then we went to upstairs, to the movies. She wants to watch a film, but I don't want to .. it's getting late and I have to go to Amvel. And besides, there are no good movies available. hahaha!

Then after that, we went to the food court again and continued our conversation. We ended up at 8PM. I'm touched when we are about to ride on the jeepney. Because we are going to take different routes, we have to be in separate jeepneys. She asked me where will I ride, and then when I told her, she said that she will go with me and just take another jeepney at the market where she will drop off. We seated at the front seat. Well, I know I shouldn't be touched. I am such an assuming girl. Maybe she rode the same jeepney with me because she really have to go to the market or for any other reason. No one would ever like to be with me longer. I know.

Well, it was such a nice day. I'd really want to stay longer. Ah, I miss her .. so much! It's been so long since I've talked with somebody like her. She's different. She's not like others who wouldn't care to listen. She may talk a lot, but she listens a lot too. I love her so much. I was so fortunate to have her as my friend (I hope she consider me as her friend). :)

My ever favorite cartoon. ♥