Nov. 1, 2012 ; 1:18 AM

What if it's gone tomorrow, what do you think you will be doing next? -I will sleep with my Father, Mother and Sister and I will also invite my Brother and his family to come over and sleep with us. or I will spend the rest of my time exclusively with the one I love [only if he chooses to be with me. :(]
Given the chance to invite 5 important individuals for dinner, who will you invite?? -Papa -Mama - Nogie - Sam
-Shamita
You have the opportunity to date your ultimate crush, who will it be and where will you go?? -Liv Tyler, Vienna, Austria
What do you think is the song of your life?? -Who Am I? - Casting Crowns
If you could have an all time 'fantasy' band, who would be in it? Why?? -vocals- - drums - -guitars-
Lady Kyu (pangarap ko pa rin talagang matuto maggitara.)
-bass -

If you could have a magical power, what would it be?? -to eliminate consequences of my wrong doings. :)
If you would be a gift, what would you be and to whom would you present yourself to?? -I would be a book and I'll present myself to 'him'.
If you had an alias, what would it be?? -Lady Q :)
What would you do if you were president of the Philippines for a day?? -Sleep.
Anyone and anything you're currently addicted to?? -thinking.
If your life were a movie, what would its title be?? -Miserable at school.

What book are you currently reading?
-Power of a Positive Friend and The Adventures of Pinocchio
How's your relationship with... your family..
:) your friends.. :I your loved one... :'/
If you had the choice, would you prefer a different name? If yes, what will it be and why?? -no other name could replace mine.
If you have songs to sing before the world ends, what will it be?? -Tell the World of His Love
You have a chance to record a duet with our local male recording artist, who would you like to have a duet with? why?? -Ogie Alcasid, his songs tells it all. :)
If you were born in a different time and a different place, what century or year would it be?? -Adam and Eve's time .. I want to see and experience the Paradise. 
What question do you wish people would stop asking?? -I hate the fact that people do not ask. (what's with me anyway?)
What part of your day is the hardest?? -not talking with him, seriously. 
What was your greatest achivement so far??
-full scholar @ CDW this semester.
-forgiveness...
-love.
The reason why you get annoyed recently. -myself.

The reason why you got hurt recently.
-myself.
The most hurtful words you've heard or received recently. -'mahal kita' -'bakit kailangan kong sabihin sayo?'
What's the most recent dangerous thing you've done??
-to sin.
If you could have 24 hours to do whatever you wanted, what would you do?? -sleep with him. (again, if he wants to)
Who do you admire and why?? -JESUS. He's the best.
What's the funniest rumor you have ever heard about yourself?? -I'm quarreling everybody but in fact, I didn't do anything to them.
What are the things or who are the people you missed most?? -the things we used to do and how we used to be before he left.

-people- Papa, Mama, Kuya, Bunso, 'agent jack', 'agent espie', 'agent shamee', Sir Cromosome, Sir MelO, 'him'
What if you were given one billion peso and you have to spend it all for a day, what will you buy?? - [how I wish this is true...]
What will you choose, friendship or love?? -love. it all starts there.
What are the 5 important qualities you demand from a friend?? -acceptance and commitment
Do you think you already met your "true friend"?? -i hope so.
What would you do if you were the principal of your school for a day?? -go home and sleep.
How do you deal with annoying rumors?? -I laugh at them.
What's the first thought you have when you wake up in the morning?? -'Thank God I'm still alive'
Do you have trouble sleeping?? -yes, again.
What's the most romantic thing a guy's ever done for you?? -EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN LUNETA LAST OCTOBER 9, 2012
Are you in love now?? -probably. 
What's your idea about a perfect date?? -being with the perfect man
What do you like most about yourself?? -
What are your personal priorities these days?? -second semester
What CD are your listening to right now?? -none
What movie or show you are currently addicted to?? -The Beautiful Affair (because Bea Alonzo is there) -Armageddon (Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis. wow)
Normally, we all have superstitions or phobias, what's yours? -fear of losing him ...
Other things you want to achieve now?? -boyfriend. XD
What do people misunderstand about you?? -my way of dealing with them.

Given the chance to kill someone without being punished, who will you kill??
-myself What are the qualities you look in the people that surround you with?? --pokerface.
What's your favorite thing to do during your time-off?? -eat.sleep.read.think.

What do you regret?
-I forgot to love myself. What do you want the most that you don't have?? -the one that I love.
What would you never do?? -give up my faith.
What is your favorite thing to spend money on?? -food, books
What were you doing 3 years ago?? -thinking about killing myself.
Give 3 things you can't live without. -me, myself and I
It's your greatest desire to.. -write and talk
When I'm not in the mood.. -I sleep.
Your greatest frustration is.. -lovelife. LOL
If you are given the chance to have your concert and choose 5 popular bands or individuals to be your guest, who are they?
-
What are the things that make you mad?? -broken promises
What was the best thing that happened to you this year?? -every beautiful memories I had with him.
What is the thing you would most like to see change in the coming year?? -people's attitude
What thing you would most like to see change in yourself?? -everything
What is the most heart-breaking part of your love life?? -loving someone I know I could never have. Given the chance to exchange life to someone, who will it be and why?? -the richest man on earth -his girl ..I want him to be mine.. :(
Craziest thing about being in-love? -being in-love itself.
Craziest thing you do when you're drunk? -cry.
What is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?? -to be in love.
What is the most unforgettable thing a friend's ever than for you?? -risking -sacrificing His own life for my salvation (Jesus) -giving me something I've always been wishing for. -spending time, effort and money for me.
Would you like to change something in your life?? -yes.
If yes, what would it be and why?? -I want to be happy always.
The best gift I've ever received was.. -my life.
Who is the last person you get jealous with?? - his GIRL.
If you can buy someone, who will it be?? - 'him'
The last reason you laughed is.. - 'him'
Who's the person you just saw recently but you're very happy to see??
-Papa, Mama, Sam -the one that I love It's hard to fall in love with someone... -who is truly, madly, deeply, crazy in love with someone else...
How do you know if someone likes you?? -feelings -if I was told about it
Have you kissed someone who's not your family, gal friends or boyfriend?? -definitely and I love it! :D
Do you have someone you want to kiss that you haven't kissed yet?? -of course
Have you been in love with your friend's ex or current boyfriend?? -no

Who Was The Last Person You Talked To?
-Sam
Who Was The Last Person You Were With, Besides Family?
-myself

Who Was Your Last Kiss?
-the one that I love

Who Knows The Most About You?
-God

Who Is Your Favorite Band, Rapper, Singer, etc.?
-myself. LOL
Who Can Make You Laugh No Matter What?
-my family and him.

Who Can You Always Count On?
-JESUS

Who Has Your Heart?
-JESUS.

Who Is or Was Your Favorite Teacher In School?
-sir obing and cromy (hs), sir landrito (the best in college)

Who Is Your Crush?
-pogi.
Who Is Your Best Friend(s)?
-none.

Who Loves You?
-JESUS

What Is Your Favorite Song At The Moment?
-After All
What Are You Looking Forward To?
-maintain my scholarship (God please help me...)

What Is Your Favorite Color?
-orange.

What Website Do You Visit Most?
-facebook, google, blogger, youtube, keepvid

What Is Your Favorite Smell?
-his scent.

What Is Your Favorite Movie?
-

What Is Your Favorite Season?
-rainy season, Christmas season, and my birthday season.:)

What Curse Word Do You Use a lot?
-adik

What Kind Of Phone Do You Have
-nokia ... I don't know. XD


What Was The Last Song You Listened To?
-After All
When Was The Last Time You Went To The Mall?
-Yesterday
When Did You Talk To Your Crush Last?
-Last Night

When Do or Did You Graduate?
-March 21 2009.

When Is The Next Time You’ll Do Something Fun?
-the next time that we will be together.

When Was The Last Time You Ate or Drank Something?
-just now. 

When Is Your Birthday?
-August 3, 1992

When Was The Last Time You Went To The Movies?
-This year.

When Is Your Parent's Birthday?
-Mother: April 20 Father: October 25

When Was Your First Kiss?
-with my family : when i was born
-with someone else : when i was in grade 4

When Were You In The Car Last?
-
When Will You Be 21?
-A year from now.

When Will You Be Taking Your Next Vacation?
-I don't know.
Where Do You Live?
-In our residence.

Where Is The Best Place To Be?
-by his side. 

Where Was Your Last Vacation?
-Sorsogon in Bicol

Where Were You Born?
-I was born inside a taxi in Las Piñas City.

Where Is Your Best Friend?
-search on going.

Where Do You Want To Live?
-by his side

Where Was The Last Place You Were Besides Your Own House?
-Araneta

Where Do You Think You’ll Be In 10 Years?
-in the Philippines or somewhere outside the country.

Where Is Your Cell Phone?
-on my table

Where Are Your Parents?
-downstairs.

Where Was Your Display Picture Taken?
-at school.

Where Were You 24 Hours Ago?
-on my bed.
Your last phone call -Papa
Last beverage -water
Last text message -0942*******
Last time you cried?
-October 29, 2012
Have you been cheated on? -yes.
Have you kissed someone and regretted it? -yes
Have you lost someone special? When? How? -No.
Have you been depressed? -always...
Have you been drunk and threw up? -yes
Have you made a new friend this year? -yes
Have you fallen out of love? -I guess I have to.
Have you met someone who changed you? -yes

What do you promise to do?
-study hard
Do you have any pets? -yes. 2 love birds.
What did you do for your last birthday? -I've spent my whole day with the one I love. that was so unforgettable.
What time did you wake up today? -I haven't slept yet.
What or who's getting on your nerves right now? -none so far.
Where do you want to be right now? -beside him.
Your relationship status ... -single.
Zodiac Sign -Leo
Birthstone -Peridot
Male of Female? -female
Righty or Lefty? -right
First surgery -
First piercing -ears
First best friend -Mama and Papa
First kiss -CPA
First crush -RP
First boyfriend -AM
First love -
You are waiting for ... -him.
Want kids? -of course
Get married? -yes.
Lips or Eyes? -both.
Hugs or Kisses? -hugs and kisses
Shorter or Taller? -taller
Older or Younger? -older
Nice Stomach or Nice Arms? -arms
Have you ever broken someone's heart? -most of the time
Have you had your own heart broken? -always
Have you been arrested? -no.
Have you turned someone down? -yes
Have you fallen for a friend? -SHIT. Yes.
Do you believe in yourself? -not really
Do you believe in miracles? -yes
Have you had more than one bf or gf? -yes. 
Have you tried getting into a same sex relationship? -yes
Did you sing today? -yes
Have you ever cheated on somebody? -yes
If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? -March 17, 2011 Are you afraid of falling in love with somebody? -no.
Who is the real YOU?? -I'm _-_-_-_:)







updated : Nov. 1, 2012 ; 1:18 AM

Emotera.

Marami akong kakilalang brokenhearted ngayon. Minsan nga naiinis na ko, kasi puro na lang ba pag-ibig ang probema pag nasa 20's? Nakakaumay, nakakasawa. Pero wala naman akong magawa kundi damayan, samahan at pakinggan ang mga aba kong kakilala dahil alam ko ang pakiramdam ng masaktan sa pag-ibig. Masakit. As in MASAKIT. Yung sakit na unexplainable. Yung sakit na literal na kumikirot sa puso. Yung sakit na nakakapanghina ng buong katawan. Grabe. Kaya lagi kong hinihingi kay Lord na bigyan ako ng strength, at nawa hindi ako magsawa sa pakikinig at pag-unawa. Feeling ko rin naman ito ang purpose ko sa daigdig, kasi dito lang ako may pakinabang. Hahaha! Anyway, hindi ko alam kung naiinggit ako, nahawa o nadadala lang, pero kagabi super emote din ako. Alam mo yun? Ang galing ko mag advice sa iba, ang galing ko makinig, pero pag sa sarili ko na, wala. Walang makikinig sakin. Kasi Iniisip ng mga brokenhearted sila lang may problema sa mundo, kaya ayaw nilang makinig ng ibang tao. Isa pa, oo nga naman, nasasaktan na sila, dadagdagan pa diba. Pero syempre hindi naman dahil mahilig siyang makinig eh wala na rin siyang pinagdadaanan. And congrats, ako yung "siya" na tinutukoy ko dito. Oo, matagal ng panahon ang lumipas, hindi na ako nasasaktan, pero may namimiss pa rin naman ako, at gusto ko rin naman mag-emote. hahaha!

Kagabi nga eh, super emote ako, nagpuyat ako para pakinggan ang mga paborito naming kanta noon, mga kantang nagpapaalala sakin sa kanya. Epekto yun nung Huwebes ng gabi, nagpunta ako sa duty ko sa may Tenement sa Taguig. Nadaanan ko nanaman yung isa sa mga naging tambayan namin noon. Grabe parang sine, hindi ko alam kung high ako nung mga time na yun pero nakikita ko ang sarili ko kasama siya, nakaupo sa loob ng TUP, kumakain ng meryenda na pagkarami-rami, share sa headset habang kumakanta ng "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." Hanggang sa nilapitan na kami ng guard, tinanong kung estudyante ba kami doon, at dahil hindi, lumabas kasi ng campus. Lahat yun nakita ko within 5 seconds ata. Nag flashback lahat. 

Yung isa kong kakilala nagtext. Akala niya daw ok na siya. Sabi ko naman, ok na siya, hindi naman dahil naalala mo siya ay di ka na ok. Diba tama naman ako? Parte na ng buhay mo yan, naging malaking bahagi ng buhay mo. Ang makalimutan siya at lahat ng kanyang ala-ala ay malabo, maliban na lang kung magkaroon ka ng selective amnesia at siya lang ang nalimot mo. Pero ako, nag-e-enjoy naman akong maalala ang nakaraan. Oo, napapa-emote, pero nagpapasalamat ako kasi naaalala ko pa. Ayokong makalimot ng ala-ala. Hindi para umasa, kundi para sabihin at ipaalala sa sarili ko na naging ganun ako kasaya, at nakayanan kong pagtagumpayan ang sakit na naidulot ng naudlot na ligaya, para ipaalala sakin ngayon na kung nakaya kong maging malakas noon ay mas higit kong kakayanin ngayon. Hay.

Anyway, ayoko ng mag-emote ngayon. Gusto ko sanang ilagay dito ang lahat ng bagay o lugar na nagpapaalala sakin sa kanya pero wag na nga lang. Waste of time. Para san pa diba? Tama ng nag-emote na ko. Hahaha! May mga bagay na dapat hanggang sa isip na lang. Siguro next time pag wala akong magawa. hahaha. 

Morning Sickness

Today is an achievement! :) Ang aga ko nagising. 6:00AM bumangon na ko at ngayon, eto nagko-computer. May meeting kami ng 8AM, dapat 7AM umalis na ko.. kaso di pa nagtetext yung kasabay ko so maya-maya na ko maliligo. Anyway, dahil maaga pa, nagbasa ako ng mga homilies for this coming Sunday. Wala pa rin akong outline >.< Tapos ewan ko ba at napabukas ako ng twitter, nabasa ko tuloy ang trending for today.

 #LateNightHugot #MissKo

Syempre mga pang emohan nanaman ang banatan. May namiss tuloy akong isang tao. Kasalanan to ng #MissKo e. Late night conversations, paulit-ulit na magtatanong kung asan ka? kumain ka na ba?, Yung ayaw pa ibaba ang phone, puro love you, yung katawagan ko ng GA.

December 22, 2012
December 22, 2013 - 1 year
December 22, 2014 - 2 years
January 22, 2015 - 1 month
February 22, 2015 - 2 months
February 25, 2015 - 3 days

It's been 2 years, 2 months and 3 days. Pero di ko pa rin siya nalilimutan. It's been 2 years, 2 months and 3 days pero alam ko mahal ko pa rin siya. Maaaring hindi na yung pagmamahal na kaya siyang hintayin, hindi na yung pagmamahal na ipagpipilitan pa rin siyang ipaglaban at habulin. Hindi na yung pagmamahal na gusto pa siya makausap at makita, hindi na yung pagmamahal na umaasa pang magkakabalikan pa kami. Basta pagmamahal. Pagmamahal na kahit wala na siya sa buhay ko ngayon, alam ko na mararamdaman ko pa rin hanggang sa paglipas ng panahon. 

“There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.”― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Tama nga ako noon. Wala na kong ibang mamahalin ng tulad ng pagmamahal na ginawa ko para sa kanya, at alam kong wala ng makapagpapadama pa sakin ng pagmamahal na binigay niya sa akin. Pero alam ko na darating ang taong magpaparamdam ng mas higit pang pagmamahal, yung pagmamahal na masaktan man ako, alam ko na hindi ako iiwan. Alam ko na dapat kong ipaglaban. Alam ko na ako ay tunay na ipaglalaban. 

Naghanap ako sa email, hinanap ko ang last mail message niya sa akin noong nakaraang taon kung di ako nagkakamali. Wala na. Oo nga pala, pagkabasang pagkabasa ko pa lang, binura ko na agad,.....kasabay ng pagbura ko sa aking puso ng lahat ng aming ala-ala.....

TuPpErWaRe

Napapansin ko sa sarili ko nitong mga nakaraang araw, may isang tao akong kinaiinisan ng sobra, to the point na naikukwento ko na yung mga mali sa kanya. Kahapon magkasama kami, at inis na inis talaga akong makita siya. Ni hindi ko na siya kayang tingnan kasi naaasar talaga ako. Minsan na kaming nag-away ng taong ito, at alam ko sa sarili ko na napatawad ko siya noon sa lahat ng sinabi niya. Pero simula nung may nakaaway siyang malalapit na tao samin, at sakin niya mismo sinabi na di na niya gugustuhin maging kaibigan yung mga yun.... bumalik yung inis ko sa kanya. So, ganun na lang yun? Pag galit siya may karapatan siyang sabihin lahat ng gusto niyang sabihin, kahit nakakasakit na siya ng ibang tao? Tapos pag ok na siya... wala na lahat yun? Oo, sabi nga nila forgive and forget...pero hindi kasi basta-basta yung mga sinabi niya. Hindi yun isang bagay na pwedeng i-consider as joke. Nakakasira ng pagkatao. Nakakasira ng tiwala. Nakakasira ng relasyon. Kaya ngayon nahihirapan talaga ako. Ayoko ng makipagplastikan sa kanya. Gusto ko na lang na mawala siya sa landas ko... I mean, yung di siya makausap ever. Kasi alam ko na sa ganung paraan lang ako magiging ok. Pero naaawa naman ako, kasi para namang di ko naranasan noon na iniwan ako ng isang taon tinuring kong kaibigan. Kaya naisip ko naman, ano kaya kung kausapin ko siya, sabihin ko na ayaw ko na? Na ayoko ng ugali niya, na ayoko ma-encounter ulit na magsasalita siya ng di maganda pag galit siya? Napaka-childish kasi ng ugali. Ngayon nga nararamdaman ko nagiging childish na rin ako.. pero kasi naman e. Kesa mas masaktan ko siya sa pakikipag plastikan ko sa kanya, maigi na siguro na sabihin ko na lang ang totoo. Na ayoko na siyang makausap. Na ayoko siyang kasama. Na ayoko sa taong tulad niya. Hay. Patawarin ako pero ito lang talaga ang alam kong pinaka mainam na paraan. Kasi ayoko na nahihirapan din ako. Hay,..........

Lessons Learned

"Don't feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them."

I've just read this striking message from Twitter.Tonight, I don't know what I feel. I have this one person, who is a member of my team, who happened to be close to me. We were always communicating with each other just like how sisters by blood do. We share things, and we actually see to it that in any occasion, we have the same type or color of dress, same pair of shoes, and even exactly the same bags. We've been through difficult times, of course. 

Just this afternoon, her mother approached me, asking me where her daughter is. To cut the nonsense story short, she instructed me to text her dear daughter, and ask her where she is last night. Concerned, I texted her, and I told her to be responsible enough especially in informing her mother where she's going because she's obviously worried. To my surprise, this person replied angrily. I was so shocked, and for humanly reasons, I started to get angry too. Fortunately, I was still on my right mind for choosing not to reply on her stupid messages, but sadly, I wasn't able to control my emotions until I have nothing to do but cry and spit out foul words as my means of expressing my anger. After crying a river, I was able to compose myself again, and I am ok. Ok, which means like there's nothing happened. Now, I could say with all honesty that I don't feel bad anymore. 

What happened has taught me many lessons. After she told me, out of her anger I guess, that she doesn't like to be around me anymore, is something I will never forget and I think talking about it will not help change my mind. Yes, I'm ok, but it doesn't mean I will just forget everything. This will serve as a reminder to me that I should never ever trust anyone, and that I should not establish deep relationships with anyone so that when they leave me behind, I will not feel that bad. Good thing, I haven't considered her as my friend yet, though I was at the brink of telling myself she is. Good thing, I was left by a dear friend before, and I've been through the hurt of losing someone I'm so used to being with, because I was able to just brush the dust off my shoulder like nothing happened. Good thing, I can easily recover. 

Before the night ended, I received another text message from her. She told me she doesn't want us to be like this (because we work in the same team, and maybe she thought it would be hard to be with someone you don't feel good with), and that she wants us to talk about it tomorrow. I don't know if she wants to reconcile with me, or she just want to talk to straighten up things so that it will not be too awkward to work together. Whatever her purpose is, I won't forget this. I'm not sad, because I had already experienced being left behind, and I'm not afraid of being alone again, because I've been through it. I'll just have to remember that when we meet in work, I have to be professional enough not to let this personal issue affect our duties, and that I'll have to be kind still, after everything she had said.

Travel Checklist :)

A new year had just started, and it means that I have another 365 days (now 360 days) to live my life. Though no one knows until when our breath would last, it would be good to be positive in terms of life span. As for me, now that I am in my early 20s, I must say that I have so many plans and that I want to fulfill before I get older. So, as I start the year, I promised myself that I would work and earn enough for me to travel. While I was browsing something in the internet, I suddenly stumbled in this site....

http://www.rappler.com/life-and-style/travel/79643-trips-millennials-twenties-life-travel-journey?utm_content=buffer72553&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

1. Be a tourist in your own town. 

I am really planning of visiting these two provinces that are closest to the heart of my parents - Sorsogon and Masbate, sometime this year. Then, not just our own town, but my own country. If God would allow me, I'd really like to visit every province in the Philippines.

2. The ultimate crazy road trip with your best friends.

My friends and I are planning to have a trip to Pampanga this February, and a trip to Mindoro after the graduation of one of our dear friend.  I really pray that these plans would not be just plans, but something that we would and we could fulfill. :) Road trips and adventures with friends are one of the best things that I wish I could do at least before I die. 

3. Your first trip overseas, without any help from your family.

I would really like to travel abroad with my whole family, but traveling all by myself would also be cool, isn't it? If God would allow, then why not?

4. Go on a spiritual retreat.

Though almost every year we go to a spiritual retreat, I would like to do it again and again, and in different ways if possible. I am planning of joining a pilgrimage someday, for experience and for spiritual growth as well.

5. Give yourself one expensive trip that you will never forget.

This, I will surely give myself someday, maybe on my last day of being a maiden.

6. Travel with your family.

In almost all of my plans, my family is included. If I could be with them in all these trips I'd have, I would.

7. Party.

I may have gone to parties before, but I'd like to experience a party where I could be me without any hesitations. 

8. Go on a food trip.

Hello carbs and fats! This is definitely one of my favorite trips. 

9.  Go on a romantic getaway with that special someone.

Ok. I had been to a romantic getaway before, thanks to my ever adventurous ex-boyfriend. But I pray that I could have one with "the one". :)

I love to travel, and I now God will be able to provide my needs in order to fulfill this wish. I would definitely start traveling this year, and I hope I could share it here in my blog.. :) God bless!

Careless.

I'm injured :( 

Earlier this day, I was in a duty at the school where I'm having my OJT. To cut the story really short, my shoe forgot to hold on the floor which caused me to roll all over the 10-step stairs. Anyway, I am still blessed because I am ok after the incident. I've actually managed to finish my duty today, went over my friend's house and attend a prayer meeting. I have some scratches but not really serious. What I am suffering right now is my right arm, which hurts more as time passes by. I pray that this will be ok by tomorrow. ...

I miss you, blog. 

FOUR = HIM

It's been a while since I've last dropped by this blog. I admit that I've been resisting the urge to post here because I don't want to see this blog anymore... for most of the things written here are about him / for him. I want to fully forget him after a year of letting myself savor all the pain his memories have caused me, and turning away from this blog is one way. So if this is my stupid reason for this silly action (ikr?!), what pushed me to post again?

Well, it's him. 

I haven't seen him for a year now. I promised myself that this year, I will help myself forget by not mentioning him on my blog, Twitter or Facebook account...but obviously, I can't. I've tried, but I guess, as what a song used to say, my best wasn't good enough.

I am currently reading Allegiant by Veronica Roth, the last book of the series. It has its significant character, Tobias Eaton / Four, who keeps on reminding me of him. Though of course he couldn't be as perfect as any fictional character, Four's description (not the physical) is more like... HIM. And no matter how much I try to put him off my mind, I end up thinking that for once in my life I have met that fictional character in real life. Oh well, I know this is so pathetic but what can I do? I can just tell myself to leave his memories behind but at the end of the day, before I close my eyes to sleep, all I remember is how we used to be. A_N_D_I_T_H_U_R_T_S a little. 

This is why I love this blog. I may be learning to suppress my feelings but still, I need this for a release. My blog knows how to listen to me, and I'm glad it exists. 

I am really sleepy right now and I have to sleep because I've got a mountain of school works waiting all over my room. But then, I feel that I have to do this.... I mean.. posting. This isn't a relevant topic but it is an issue to me personally.

So there's this guy, a former classmate of mine who'd been flirting with me. We've last seen each other for more than a year now, and actually it was the second time we've met since our graduation in Elementary almost ten years ago. That day was unforgettable, though I'd really want to omit that on my memory.

It was a hot summer day (hot, because it's summer and it's a day. duh to myself! hahaha! I'm sorry, I just want to start that way LOL). He invited me for his despedida since he will gone for Australia. I was expecting it was just the two of us, but when I reached in the place where we are supposed to meet, I saw him with another guy. They stood up as I approached him and immediately led me to the car. I was hesitant but he's really begging for me to come along with them for a moment. Since he is a friend of mine, I accepted his invitation, considering that it might be the last time I'd see him. So I sat at the back part with him at this very literally hot car with no air condition with a drunk driver (his companion). While on our way, he asked for a favor.... his 'last favor' before he head to Australia... and that is, for me to pretend to be his girlfriend. He said that he told his friends he will be fetching up his girlfriend (me). I was really shocked and that time I really wanted to smack him with my fist. Anyway I kept myself calm until we came to the location. It was a house, and I don't know who the hell owns it. And you know what? I am the only girl there! I was really getting nervous at that time, with all the half-drunk men in the garage. He provided me a seat next to him. He tried to hold my hand and get closer to me, just to show them that we are what he told them. But I can't do it. He was whispering to me that I should just go with the flow but I just can't. For like five minutes (which is a lifetime to me) of sitting, I finally made up my mind that I should get up and go out with or without his consent. Of course I never forgot the polite way of saying goodbye, but I did it very quick because I am not happy with what's going on there. This former classmate of mine took the initiative to walk me outside to the other street where we've waited for a tricycle to appear. While waiting, he confessed his feelings for me, but he sad because I failed to attend to his last request. I told him I can't pretend, that it is something that we shouldn't fake. Then he asked me another favor, with all his teary eyes and begging face, that before we say goodbye, I'd give him a kiss. Yes, a kiss and I was like "Ok I have to go". But I didn't do that. I told him I can't kiss him because the only man I want to kiss is my boyfriend who is patiently and worriedly waiting for me in the convenient store near that area. He did this really sad face and good thing a tricycle finally came in to my rescue. In the tricycle I can't stop myself from shivering, though it's a hot day. When I alighted, I was rushing to that convenient store and when I saw my ga there, I started crying and I hugged him immediately. I was so scared and I only found relief when I am already with him.

 After that incident we didn't talk anymore, I didn't even know when he went to Australia. But after a year through Facebook, we had our way to communicate again, until now. So lately, he was chatting with me. Because my ga and I already broke up and I was really hurt, I've tried to ride with my former classmate's flirting ... but I just can't. Not because I feel guilty for being such a bitch, but because I've realized that it's really hard to flirt with someone you don't love. Well as think about those people who can mingle with another person while "loving" someone else, I can't help but say to myself, "wow, how did they do that? it's hard you know." It really is. When I am flirting with him, I can feel all the hairs in my arms rise up, and I feel like I want to puke. I am so disgusted with myself, that's why I've stopped doing it after that one time I did it. Just this night he messaged me telling me that he missed me, that he wants to talk with me before he sleeps and he wants me to fond but I CAN'T. I told him to just sleep. I CAN'T DO IT. I'M DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF WHENEVER OUR CONVERSATION STARTS!

Of course I don't want to ruin our friendship, and I know he'd not allow that to happen too. But if it is what is required to do, then I won't hesitate. This is so pathetic of me, but I can't force myself to love another man. I can live a single life forever if God won't send my prince, but I will never flirt again just so I could move on from the past love I've been. For now I will be contented as I am. Never will I try to flirt again with someone I don't feel anything special with. It's so disgusting, I'm telling you. 

December 22, 2012

Status ito ng isang former classmate ko nung college sa FB. Grabe. Tinamaan ako. Ito. Ito yung saktong makakapag describe ng pakiramdam ko noong December 22 noong nakaraang taon. Ayoko ng maalala pa ang gabing yun. Lalo na yung mukha niya. Ayoko na. Masakit. Sobra. 

FYI, lalaki nag post nito. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang nangyayari sa kanya, pero batay sa mga wallposts niya, naghiwalay na sila ng gf niya. Ang nakakaloka dun, mahal na mahal niya yung babae.... SOBRA! Karamihan ng mga sinasabi niya sa FB napagdaanan ko lahat nung ako din nasasaktan ng sobra. Grabe di ko akalain na ang mga lalaki pala ganun din. I mean, oo given ng tao rin sila, pero syempre bibihira ang lalaking expressive sa nararamdaman niya lalo pag nasasaktan ng babae. Pero ito grabe mahal na mahal niya. Nakakaawa, nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa kanya nung mga panahong di ko rin matanggap ang mga nangyari sakin. Pero malalagpasan niya rin yun. Hindi na kailangan pa ng kapalit, makakamove on din siya. Hindi niya malilimutan yun, lalo't mahal na mahal niya. Pero katagalan, kung tutulungan niya ang sarili niya, maiibsan din ang sakit paunti-unti... mauubos din ang lahat ng sakit. Maswerte nga siya, ang dami niyang kaibigan na sumusuporta at dumadamay sa kanya. Ako, mag isa sa laban. Ni isang encouraging word man lang wala akong nakuha. Buti na nga di pa din ako natuluyan, LOL masamang damo. hahahaha! Anyway, wala lang. Nakamove-on man na ko, yung sakit minsan bumabalik pa rin. Hindi man sobra ng dati, pero sapat pa rin para maalala kong "oo nga pala, mahal ko pa rin siya.... "

TRUE LOVE ♥

is...

-feeling disgusted when flirting with another man

-not capable of engaging oneself into a relationship with another man

-not even having the capacity to imagine yourself kissing and cuddling another man

-marrying or being with another man have never crossed your mind

-being content and not looking for anyone else anymore. 

And that's when I know that true love is what I've felt for you~~~