When I was looking at his photos during my birthday, I was thinking, "What the hell is with this guy that I am dying to have him?" Well, I just can't explain why. He's not that gorgeous, all sexy man you'd ever imagine, he's plain and he's old! But I love him, and that's what's so important to me. :D 

I am currently staring at our old photos. Our old memories. Still fresh in my heart and mind.

The good thing about tonight is, the fear that I am assuming before did not occur. I thought if I saw those pictures again, all the pain I have felt and all those bad memories of our last days will come crashing through my mind. But as I browse those memories of ours, I feel good inside. The more pictures I stare at, the more I feel better. But of course let's not exclude the fact that I have cried a river. I actually have a bunch of used tissue papers right on my table. :) So I have decided not to download the pictures. Aside from the fact that it's too many it would take me a lot of time to do so (which is, I'm so willing to do if not for the second reason) and that I don't want to tempt  myself looking at it every time I open my netbook. But I have downloaded some videos of our most favorite songs. 

So far, this had been the best gift that I have given myself on my birthday. To see him again, even not personally. The face that I almost forget but I never did. The face of the man that I'll surely love until my last breath.

I keep on asking myself before why I am still holding on. The answer was given to me as a gift today. I'm still loving him, inspite of the fact that he left me, because that's what I have promised. And remember, I am a person who's so particular with promises. And if I told you so, I'd really do it. And because he's the only man I will love like this, I will and forever will.

I will watch music video of the song that I haven't heard for a long time now. I hope it would make me fall asleep. haha! 

Tears fall from my eyes right now, not because I am in pain, but because I'm happy. That for once in my life, I was fortunate and so blessed to have him in my life. I'm happy because one of my birthdays were celebrated with him alone, and that would be one of the best birthdays of my life. And even though he's not around right now and he will not greet me (I even doubt it if he'll remember it's my birthday today), I'm still happy. I'm happy for us. We're happy now. I know he is, big time. And I have to be too. 


Happy Birthday to me.

Guess what? I'm all tears tonight. I said I'd sleep. I've turned off the computer already and went to bed ... and then when I was about to say my good night prayer ... tears fell down my cheeks and it's unstoppable until now, like it's been 3o minutes flowing without stopping. I don't remember the last time I've cried like this year. This uncontrollable tears that I wish would not come out but it did, and I know that if I will try to stop it, it would only lead to severe headache. So why am I crying on my birthday? Tears of joy? No. I can feel the pain rushing through my chest as tears fall from my eyes.  That's why I stood up and opened my netbook so I could surf and post here, hoping I could find comfort so I could sleep. 

So why am I crying?????? Ok. This is the first sad birthday of my life, the start of a more sad birthdays to come. Sad because ..... I'd be celebrating it yearly remembering all the memories we've shared in my happiest birthday ever, which  is last year. I know this is stupid, but what is silly with being so honest? I am hurt. I am sad on my birthday because he wouldn't be greeting me, he wouldn't be calling me, he wouldn't tell me he loves me ... never again! I know you'd say that I shouldn't just stick with him and just think about so many good things that was left especially the people who bothered to greet me but ..... I can't stop it. I'm hurt. I really want him. He's all I want. He's all I want to be with today. :(

If you'd ask what's my gift for myself this day of mine, well.... I'd open our email account in Yahoo and have a sneak peak on our old photos. If I can I will download it, if not, I'll just leave it there. So upon typing here, I am gaining all the courage I could have. I have to brace myself or else .... I don't know. This would be the first time this year that I will see "us" together,,,,,..  in photos. I hope I could sleep after this. And I'm going to do it right after I post this. And that is, NOW.

Happy Birthday to me. :) Have to sleep now. :')

Women are flexible. indeed.

I could have searched for  better photos that would portrait how flexible women are during those times. But since I don't want to be too erotic here, I've chosen this one. And besides, it's beyond the flexibility .. it is the passion and intensity that I love in this shot. :) missing those times eh?

Why do women suddenly become so flexible during those intimate times???
#latenightfantasies

#ImSingleBecause

 or

This song just perfectly describes how it feels each passing night....... ~~~ ISTILLMISSYOUGA.

Each passing night 

I try and close my eyes 

But thoughts of you 

They wake me up 

And tear me inside out 

Each passing night 

I ask myself who's right 

And try to find the reasons why 

It had to end that night 

Didn't we share each other's dreams 

We held each other tight 

And tears fell from my eyes 

As you walked and left me here 

Like the wind you passed me by 

I try but I can't see 

If it's something that I said 

Baby please won't you tell me now 

'Cause it gets harder each passing night 

I often pray 

That you'd come back and stay 

We've had so much together 

To ever live apart 

I'll wait and see 

'Cause I know and I believe 

Someday you'll come to realize 

What you and I can be 

Then we'll share each other's dreams 

We'll hold each other tight 

Kiss the tears that burn my eyes 

'Cause you walked and left me here 

Like the wind you passed me by 

I try but I can't see 

If it's something that I said 

Baby, please won't you tell me now 

'Cause it gets harder each passing night 

I never meant to hurt your heart this way 

Sooner or later 

There'd be someone else who'd stay 

My Husband's Lover Day 36

Sayang wala akong makitang picture nung scene kanina sa My Husband's Lover na pinipicturan ni Eric yung parts ng Condo niya. Habang ginagawa niya yun nagfa-flashback ang lahat ng alaala nila ni Vincent sa isip niya. Akala ko nga ang purpose nun para itago at alalahanin ang mga alaala, pero di pala, ibebenta niya kasi pala yung unit niya. Sino nga naman bang gaga ang gagawa nung una kong nabanggit? EH SINO PA, EDI AKO.

Sinubukan kong kuhanan ang mga lugar at bagay na may alaala kami. ultimo waiting shed, jeepney at parte sa bahay namin na may alaala kami pinicturan ko. Para itago. Para hindi mabura ang alaala sakaling magbago man ang mga iyon. Pero di ko pa natatapos, binura ko na ang maraming pictures at videos (may insidenteng kinuhanan ko ng video ang isang lugar na pinuntahan namin noon). Kasabay kong binura nun yung diary ko kung saan nakasulat yung mga time, situation at place na bigla ko siyang maaalala at ano ang dahilan nun. Yung pagkakasulat parang kinakausap ko siya sa isang sulat. Nabura ko na lahat yun. Yun yung araw na nagdesisyon na akong burahin na ang mga alaala niya, para maka-move on na ko.

Wala lang. Naalala ko lang yung nagawa kong kahibangan. Tanga ko no? Hindi ako proud na tanga ako, pero hindi ko rin naman ikinahihiya yun. Yung minsang naging tanga ako at sinulit ko pa, diba nga live life to the fullest. So walang dahilan para pagsisihan ko ang mga ginawa ko, lalo pa't ginusto ko naman lahat yun. 

Ngayon, kung sa part na nanghihinayang ako na binura ko ang mga iyon ... hindi rin. Kasi sa isip at puso ko hindi pa nabubura ang mga iyon. Kayang kaya kong isulat ulit lahat yun, hindi nga lang ang saktong date. At kayang kaya kong puntahan uli ang lahat ng lugar na pinuntahan namin noon at kuhanan ito ng mga litrato. Kaso di ngayon. At wish ko nga sana eh, kapag ginawa ko yun, gusto ko kasama ko na siya. Kung di man mangyari yun, gagawin ko pa rin bago ako mamatay. Promise yan. :) 

Bago matulog, pabaon ni Papa Jack. :)

SINGLE AKO ..
Hindi dahil wala akong makita, ayoko lang talagang sumubok sa iba..
Kasi HINIHINTAY PARIN KITA!

Kapag mabilis na sya BUMITAW, NAKAKAPIT na yan sa iba.

"Pahalagahan kung sino ang nandyan. Pabayaan at wag pilitin ang mga nang-iiwan."

WALANG KWENTA LANG. WAG BASAHIN. SAYANG SA ORAS.

Umuulan sa labas. Nakakadagdag ang bawat patak sa lumbay at lungkot na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Kahit medyo maingay, wala akong naririnig kundi tibok ng puso ko. Walang pattern ang pagtibok, pero mabuti na lang at tumitibok pa. Kahit nasasaktan na. Kahit wala ng dahilan sana na mag-function pa siya .... 

Wala, tina-try  ko lang magdrama. Kasi nasasaktan ako ngayon. Pero hindi ako naiiyak, hindi rin ako gaanong nalulungkot. Pero alam ko na nasasaktan ako. Ewan ko ba, baliw na ata ako eh. Bakit ako nasasaktan? Kasi naalala ko nanaman SIYA. Ngayon pa, ngayon pang monthsary namin sana. 

Naiinis ako kapag may mga nakikita akong lugar na gusto kong puntahan. Lalo na pag may discounts, grabe ang saya lang tumalon sa building. Tapos maiisip ko pa na ang luwag ng sched namin ngayon, hindi ko na kailangan pang umabsent para lang makagala. Pero bigla kong maiisip bigla, wag na lang. Kasi wala akong kasama. Pero yun ba talaga ang problema? Hindi. Hindi dahil sa wala akong kasama. Kung kasama lang naman eh madali ng makahanap. Marami akong kaibigang gala tulad ko. Pero ano ba yng problema? Ah ... kasi ... nakakahiya mang aminin pero ... WALA KASI AKONG IBANG GUSTONG MAKASAMA KUNDI SIYA LANG!

Hindi naman kasi yung mismong lugar o gala ang mahalaga eh. Yung makasama ko SIYA, yun  yun eh. Eh kaso wala. Wala siya. Mahalaga din naman yung lugar, pero yung makasama siya dun, iba yun eh. Kahit sino pa siguro ang mag-volunteer na samahan ako mawawalan lang ako ng gana. Ang unfair ko no? Eh ganun talaga eh. Mas magiging unfair ako sa sarili ko kung ipagpipilitan ko. Lalo na't alam ko na di naman ako sasaya pag ginawa ko yun.

Gusto ko kasi ... lalo na pag first time kong pupunta sa isang lugar, siya ang kasama ko. Gusto ko ang unang memory ko dun eh yung kasama ko siya. Kahit nga noon, sa tapat lang kami ng isang bangko, o yung first time kong pagdaan sa isang overpass somewhere, sobrang memorable na eh. Kasi andun siya. Kasama ko siya. Eh ngayon? Wala. Wala na. At wala na akong gana.

Alam ko na ilang buwan at taon mula ngayon, makakarating ako sa iba't ibang lugar ng di siya kasama. Gagawa ako ng mga alaala doon ng wala siya. Pero alam ko rin na hanggang sa panahon na yun, hindi pa rin ako magsasawa na magdasal, na sana ... maulit yung noon .. kahit hindi na lang yung maging kami ulit ... basta yung makasama ko siya sa maraming lugar. Yun lang. Makasama ko lang siya. Alam kong sasaya na ko. Kailan kaya yun? Mangyari pa kaya yun??? 

AIR SUPPLY IN MANILA AGAIN!!!!! :(((((((

So this is another time that I will not be able to watch them. :'(

I wish I had a job right now, just now ... and the salary would be  for a night with Air Supply. :'((

When will be their next concert? I wish that time I  have enough money, and a companion as well to be there. And I hope they're still alive by that time. LOL

I remembered their last visit in Manila, I think it was 2011. Oh, forget  about it. 

Seminar Day 2

So ... I guess I'll have to attend the seminar all by myself. Wala man lang kahit kausap. Sana lang umattend yung si Joyce para kahit papano. Well, thank God di naman ako tulad nung asa picture. Mabuti  na lang natutunan ko ng mahalin ang pag-iisa. Noon halos mabaliw baliw ako pag wala akong kasama. Haha. Ang galing talaga ni Lord no. Yung weak point ko noon ginawa Niyang strength ko ngayon. :) kaya malaya akong nagagawa ang mga gusto kong gawin, kasi hindi ko na kailangan pang umasa sa iba pasa sa katuparan ng mga iyon. :) hindi naman dapat mag-isa ang tao, pero kailangan nating tandaan na hindi sa lahat ng panahon may anjan ang mga taong kailangan natin. minsan kailangan din nating tanggapin na may mga bagay na tayo... tayo lang mag-isa ang makakagawa. at may mga pagkakataon sa buhay na hindi dahil wala tayong kasama eh dapat na tayong sumuko. :) --- confession mamaya! :) Ligo na ko. God bless!

dramabels.

Kanina, hindi ako dinadapuan ng antok. Nakinig na ko ng music, nahiga, nakapikit.... pero wala pa rin. Ang lakas ng urge na mag online at magpost sa blog. Sabagay, medyo emotional ako kanina. Namumugto pa nga hanggang ngayon ang mga mata ko. Andami kong iniisip. Mga tao. Mga malalapit, mga malalayo ang loob, pero nakakasalamuha ko. Mga taong parte ng buhay ko. Mga taong sinaktan ako, mga taong pinasaya ako. Mga taong ayaw kong mawala pero umalis. Mga taong anjan lang sa tabi ko pero di ko pinapansin. 

Ang hirap ma-attach sa tao. Ang hirap kumawala. Paano kaya nagagawa ng iba na basta na lang kalimutan ang mga taong naging bahagi ng buhay nila? Kasi ako.. kahit anong pilit ko, sadyang napakahalaga ng mga tao sa buhay ko. Hindi man ako sumagi sa isip nila, hindi man ako mahalaga sa buhay nila ... pero ewan ko ba kung bakit pagdating sakin parang mga kayamanan sila. Grabe. Di ko magets ang sarili ko. Ultimo taong sinaktan ako ng todo mahalaga pa rin. Pero ngayon tinuturuan ko na ang sarili ko na magpigil ng nararamdaman, ng pagiging emosyonal. Lagi kong pinaaalala sa isip ko na dapat di ko sila isipin dahil di naman nila ako iniisip. Na dapat wag ako masyadong magpahalaga lalo sa mga alaala, wag ko masyadong alalahanin ang mga magagandang ginawa  nila para di ako nagiging emosyonal. Ang lahat ng tao, dumadaan lang. Makakalimutan ka pag wala ka na sa sirkulasyon ng buhay nila, o kaya kapag di ka na kailangan. Kailangan kong tigasan ang sarili ko. Kailangan matuto na ko.

Ayan, nakapag-post na ko, at inaantok na ko. Good mornight na. Sana ... sana di na ko magising ... para wala na ang lahat ng alaala at sakit na dala ng kahapon ..... ~~~

This.. is what I've learned today. #2

"Be careful what you wish for 'coz you just  might get it ..."

A wonderful quote that I didn't believe until I  have proven it myself. One day I prayed to God to take me to the right path, to keep me away from bad people, and you know what? A LOT OF THEM WERE SUDDENLY GONE IN MY LIFE. I was really saddened but eventually my life became lighter, happier and I became freer after they've been gone ... ~~~~