Dear Lord,

Thank you for this wonderful day. I am glad I haven't had an idle time .. I've been productive and functional today. I have accomplished most of my tasks and it was so fulfilling. Lord, thank you also for the books. They were so good. I was very happy upon seeing those. I can't wait to bring them to my shelves. :) Lord, I pray for the success of tomorrow. May the next be a good one. Tomorrow, I will be on duty at Makati, please give me wisdom Lord and be with me, so that I could accomplish whatever they would let me do. May the next day be a great day Lord, and  I know it would, 'coz you're with me. I love you Lord! Thank you for all the blessings. I pray all of this in Your most Holy name. Amen. 

Definitely.

I give up. These past few days, you've been in my mind. Random things make me remember you ... and not just that ... but they force me to think about you.

So ... I come to think of our future. What if we meet again? What if you tell me it's time for 'us' again? What if we really are meant?

First and foremost, meeting you isn't an impossible thought. We're on the same organization and I'll probably be working with you after I finish my studies. So I'm thinking what would I do. Of course, because you're not here face-to-face with me, all I have in mind is to do good to you when I see you. Like, I would give you my best smile that you will never ever deserve. Well, I've been practicing now .. to control myself when it comes to my emotions. I have to learn to bite my tongue and stop my fast growing temper. I know, when the perfect time comes that our paths will meet again, I will be good to you. That is a promise. No nagging, no tears, no hard feelings. 

Second, I remember the last time you said you'd look for me when you're "free", and you pleaded I should not hide from you. We were crying a lot that time and I can feel all the love that I have for you, which until now .. I know still lies on each vein in my body. You told me, there will be a time for "us" again. I've thought about it for three days now, after all those silly stuff that keeps your name popping out of my head. And you know what? Today, just as I was on my way home, I end up to a decision ... that ... I will not engage with you anymore. Though I know you would never come back, there's still a 10/90 possibility that you'd tell me you still love me, and that we could continue our wrecked love affair because  you're already free. There are a lot more reasons for me to concede, but then I prefer those reasons that will make me hold on to the decision I've come up with. 

 I WILL NEVER EVER LET YOU HURT ME AGAIN.

Our past is enough. Though I still love you (and I know I'll forever will), I will not take the risk of being yours again. Yes, I'm weak. I know that. But you are not worth fighting for, and that's what you let me see in our past relationship. All those hurtful words and actions are enough to make me ... love myself more. And I know I will never regret my decision, like I never regret what we had before ... it was such a good memory that will forever be in my heart.

Last but not least, I'm not that stupid anymore to still hope that we are meant for each other. I don't believe in destiny or fate. Everything is working because of God's will, and more of, your own personal decision. It was my decision to love you, to make you feel I love you, to do forget myself because I love you. I chose to be hurt, and now, I choose to be free... from you. 

I know, you'll never love me like you used to. 

Thanks anyway.

Don't worry, I won't expect that you love me still and will love me forever. 

I know you know this ... :(

The best thing to do.

THE BLUE LAGOON. 

His favorite movie. 

~why do such things keep taunting me ...

With people, yes. It's vague though, 'coz you'll eventually realize that you can't even see it in words. 

But with God, it's totally different.

His promises are everywhere ....

I can see it in words through the Bible...

And I can actually feel its fulfillment in my life...

So the only promise that we must always have to hold on to is HIS.

No one and nothing else in this world can promise us anything and do it ... only HIM.

The Almighty. The Most Holy.

GOD.

~had a very blessed day. life isn't fair, but God is good! :)

Fighting the urge again .... 

... to check his account 
... to open our email
... to see our photos together

~please, do not hurt yourself. keep yourself away from things that will make you feel bad. just go on with your life, do not spend your time thinking about a person who doesn't give a shit on you. Hold on to what keeps you alive, not with those that kills you each time. He's happier without you, keep that in mind. And you should be happy as well, even more. Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you break down, show him that you're the victor, now that he's gone. You're free, never forget that. That's one of the best things you attained after he left, the most precious thing that was taken away from you by his existence. Hold on.Be happy. Stay strong. 

I'm currently fighting the urge of hurting myself again.

-physically

-mentally

-emotionally

My strength, next to God.

Not enough that you know it.

I'm dying. I know I'm not supposed to be sad, I shouldn't let them win by seeing me get affected with what they do to me .... but then ... I'm human. I'm weak. 

Please .. help me out. I can feel suicide is crawling up again in the list .... 

I'm such a weakling. Even though all my life I have experienced losing my most intimate relationships, I'm still hopeful for a lasting one. Yeah, I'm undoubtedly living with my ideal world. I am such an illusionist, trying to pull back everything and hide them in my own world. But then, reality always strikes the hardest, but surprisingly, I wasn't even stunned, though hurt penetrates more than anything I could bear. 

I always ask myself what the hell was wrong about me, because people whom I become close with keeps on detaching themselves from me. Though not for days, but for years ... which makes it more painful. Having someone for a long time and then, with just a snap... they're gone. I don't mean death at this point of time. I... I am experiencing a new one right now. It's as if ... my recent relationships were going out with NO CONCRETE REASONS AT ALL.

Now, that leaves the big question in my mind. What did I do? I know for myself that I'm trying to do everything just to keep them and keep us going. But then, why is it that they constantly tear apart the relationship they have with me? With no clear reason? Am I a freak or something they should fear for?

Unfortunately, no one's here to answer but myself. It's so hard to be all on your own. I mean, yes, there are circumstances in life that things must only be within you. But I was .... all my life I was alone. Though I consider myself to having many friends, if not lots, why is it that I always end up searching for answers by myself? I mean .....

I AM ALWAYS ALONE.

Self pity as they call it, but more on a call for me. I need someone, like any other people in this world. This is something I never attain. I have them, but in situations where I am lost, no one's present to show me, maybe not the way but that they are with me. ...

------

At the end of it, I still manage to sort out the good side of it. Being used to the feeling of abandonment, rejection and loneliness makes me less vulnerable, though not entirely.. but I'm learning. And I'm starting to care less about anyone's opinions ... but sadly ... to anyone as well. I am this person who always care about people, but then all this slipping away of my important relationships seems banging me with the truth that I must care more about myself.

Now, I don't pretty much feel so alone, but there are times I want to wrap myself up and suffocate so I'd die right then and there. It's pointless though, because I'd only give them the satisfaction of seeing me deteriorating because they're gone, with which I constantly tell myself I shouldn't. I must live, no matter what. I shouldn't let myself be dragged down by anyone or anything. They are just ...... pieces compared to a lot more that's been up to me. I'll just have to see through it.