I'm hurt. You caused it. Die for it.

He said HE LOVES ME
I BELIEVED

He said HE MISSED ME
I FELT THE SAME WAY

He said HE DID IT FOR ME
I FELT HAPPY

He said IT'S ONLY ME
I ACCEPTED IT AS TRUE

-------------------------

He LIED ON MY FACE
I CRIED INSIDE

He said HE WON'T HURT ME
I WANT TO BELIEVE

He said HE LOVES ME
PLEASE HELP ME FIND THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO BELIEVE AGAIN.



It hurts to know and find for yourself that he lies. I knew it already but then, I always choose to believe, because I love him. My love for him had been the only reason that haven't vanished even though he had hurt me a lot of times. 

But then, I have just realized that loving him doesn't mean loving myself back. I am hurt. He knew it. He doesn't admit it. I am in pain. He caused it. He denies it. He constantly tell me it was I who chose to be hurt. I want to be free from this torment. 

I can't cry anymore. I can't shed a tear for someone who doesn't care about my hurt feelings, but is deeply worried about 'her' pains. Now, how could I believe that he truly loves me? I'm used. I want to die now. I don't know until when I could bare this feeling. It kills me inside. 

I don't have the right but I'm hurt. I didn't choose to feel this. I don't even want it. I want to sleep and never wake up again. For if I would open my eyes again, what more could I see? How much pain is readily waiting for me? What lies could he tell me? 

 


 

Indeed.

It's been a long time since I last visited my blog. Wow, I really missed posting here! It had been one of my daily chores when I wasn't very busy. Posting had been my special friend. This blog accepts anything that I want to say.

I am such a bad friend. I just remembered this blog because I am not feeling well inside. I'm sorry for that, but I promise to try to visit as much as I can.

These past months, I am very busy ... busy about things that aren't significant at all. Things that I thought would make me really happy. Indeed it had made my days, but at the end of everything, I still feel the hurt inside. I am not complete. I lack the thing that I have. That's the worst feeling. :/

I am really here to tell and shout out what I am feeling right now. I'm hurt. I feel dumped. I feel hopeless. I feel desperate. I feel bad about what I have done and what I have said. It really didn't made me happy. But what's the reason behind all the mean things I have done? I just want to know if I'm really loved by the person I love. I know it wasn't a good thing, and believe me, I never wished to do that. But the pain eats me up too much, I can't handle it anymore. I'm hurt, that's why I'm doing this. I hate to see him telling lies in my face, I hate to know that he loves her more because for heaven's sake, she's the one he truly loves in the first place. I hate to be hurt. I don't deserve all this sh*t. 

I'm currently expecting the worst thing that could happen. Thank God if it won't, but if it is what would really take place, I would accept it. I am ready to face the greater pain that I might feel. :[

Ah, this is non sense!

so wrong for allowing you to hurt me. :/

disappointed. ://////////////

very disappointed. :((((((((((((((((((

After a very long time, I stumbled again in this blog. 

I miss posting. It's been months since I've last visited and shared my thoughts in here. I became very busy the past few weeks ..... with someone. :)) And that hindered me in opening my account again. 

But now, I'm here. And well, that is what's important.

I admit that I am not feeling very well right now. It's sad but I only remember my blog whenever sadness tries to eat me up just like now. But I would not share about the lonely things. Since this is the first time after a long time I've posted again, I would post something that caught my interest tonight.

Just as I was surfing the internet, I happen to open a page about Yoko Ono's 'art'. I'm sorry if I will not be able to elaborate it, but the thing is, Yoko Ono's photo which shows her old age caught me.I wasn't really interested though, for I didn't really know who she is. All I have in mind is that she's the second wife of John Lennon, a great musical icon. Am I right? Well, that's what my Beatle-fanatic-friend told me. :)

SO I searched for her name and have a glimpsed of her photos. She's not that beautiful in my eyes, but when I looked at her pictures, I realized her beauty lies behind. She's pretty in her own way. 

Next, I decided to search for her pictures with John Lennon, and that was what strikes me tonight. 

I didn't know what's with it, but when I saw their pictures together, I felt electricity inside. I love looking at them. They seem to be very happy together. I am not really fond of taking a look at a couple's photo, but theirs is different. I felt the love that lies in each one of them. I may sound funny right now, but I fell in love with both of them. hahaha! I mean, I like seeing their photos. I can't explain it, it's just true and amazing. That's when I felt that they really loved each other. I don't often feel this way, really.

They are good couple to look at. I may not know them but I like them together. I felt like I want to be Yoko Ono and I want to have my John Lennon. :)) 

Oh well, I wish I could find a love like that. Sincere, Realistic and True. 

I LOVE HIM, SO MUCH IT HURTS .........

Relationships fall and whither because eventually someone stops trying and it doesn't feel the same. The first couple of months or even years it may be the best thing you ever wished for, but eventually someone loses feelings, gets to busy, or doesn't even bother to try. You know why? Because they're comfortable. The beginning is all about the chase. Can you keep up? If you can then you'll get the hang of it and then you won’t want to try anymore. You aren't afraid to lose them because they're yours. Arguing leads to fighting and it just gets worse from there. It all flashes by so fast. So, cherish what you have.

So far so good naman ang aking buhay. Isang buwan at kalahati na akong di nakakaranas ng matinding depresyon. Umiyak man ako nitong nakaraang mga araw pero hindi na lumagpas pa ng 2 araw. Hindi rin sumagi sa aking isip na maglaslas o ano pa man. Magaan ang aking pakiramdam, hindi tulad noon na parang araw araw akong may problema. 

Siguro kasi ngayon natutunan kong mas i-appreciate ang mga magagandang bagay na nangyayari sa buhay ko. At ang pinakamahalaga ko pang natutunan ngayon ay ang wag pansinin ang mga taong naninira at gumugulo (sa di magandang paraan) sa buhay ko. Alam mo yun. Ang sarap ng feeling na malaya ka sa galit at poot. Na paggising mo sa umaga, magdadasal ka hindi dahil sasabihin mo kay Lord na natatakot kang harapin ang panibagong araw ng buhay kundi dahil magpapasalamat ka sa bagong pagkakataon para lumigaya at sumamba sa kanya. Na papasok ako sa paaralan ng di kinakabahan at naiinis sa mga taong nakikita ko, bagkus, excited pa kong makipagkwentuhan sa kanila at nakangiti akong papasok sa aming classroom. Na sa loob ng room eh hindi ako nakakaranas ng matinding pagod at hindi yung para akong may sakit. Yung lalabas ako ng paaralan na masaya at may ngiti sa labi. Na uuwi akong hindi pagod. Na may pagkakataon pa akong makipag-usap sa pamilya ko. Na di ako nagmamadaling gawin ang mga bagay dahil alam kong may sapat akong oras para gawin ang lahat ng yun .. di ako pressured. Na matutulog ako sa gabi, magdadasal na hindi puro hinanakit at sama ng loob ang isi-share ko kay God kundi kung gaano ako ka-thankful dahil binless niya ako ng sobra. Na sa pagpikit ng mata ko, walang mabigat sa dibdib ko kaya diretso ang tulog ko. 

Alam mo yun? Ang sarap ng pakiramdam na maging positibo sa buhay. Hindi ko naman sinasabing talagang laging positive ako. Sabi ko nga, ngayon ko pa lang ito natutunan at natututunan. May mga pagkakataon pa rin na nagiging nega ako, pero normal na bahagi naman yun ng buhay. Kasi kung overly positive naman hindi na rin maganda. Tsaka, hindi ko naman sinasabing wala na kong mga problema. May mga pagkakataon pa ring parang pagod na pagod na ko, na anlungkot ko, na ansama ng loob ko, na galit ako ... pero mas nami-minimize na yung mga ganung scenario ngayon. At kung magkaganun man, hindi na bayolente ang mga reaksyon ko.

HINDI NA GANITO NGAYON. :)))))

Ito ang nagagawa siguro ng may inspirasyon (naks naman! ako na talaga) at may masayang pamilya. Epekto din ito ng di pagpansin sa mga bagay na hindi naman makakatulong sakin para mag-grow. Basta ito lang masasabi ko. Ang sarap mabuhay. Kung noon gusto ko ng mamatay, ngayon ... hindi naman ako natatakot mamatay pero mas ok pa rin ang extended ka ... mas marami pang magagawa at pwedeng maranasan. :)))

The first to apologize is the bravest. 
The first to forgive is the strongest. 
The first to forget is the happiest.