ACCEPT IT. RIGHT NOW. HE'S NEVER COMING BACK, AND HE DOESN'T DESERVE A COME BACK EITHER.

I've browsed some of my older posts in 2012 ... and I end up crying. The hurt was not here, though I pity myself for loving a man who doesn't even care. I'll get through this one day. And if we'll ever meet again, I'd swear he'd see how wonderful I've been without him .... 

Seriously.

But I don’t care about just anyone. 
I care about you.
And I wonder if you think of me even half as much as I think of you… 

We should love, not fall in love. Because everything that falls, gets broken.

— Taylor Swift

And that's when I knew our relationship is not valuable at all to you. Is there any relationship in the first place?

I woke up at 9am and resisted the urge to turn on the computer. So I've read a book and do some jigsaw puzzle. I don't know what's with me, that here I am now ... typing and browsing the internet. 

Lately, I've noticed that I'm becoming too attached with my computer. It's as if my day isn't complete without seeing its radiance in front of me. I am fortunate because I have been aware of it immediately. Now, I have to think of ways on how to stop myself clinging to this too much.

Like I've said earlier, I do reading and jigsaw-puzzling. Other than that, my life is a total boredom. I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone whom I can openly tell what the hell was going on with my life. Though I'm living normally and a bit happily right now, it seems my days tend to be colorless as it passes by. The problem, of course, was always with me. 

It's not hard (for everyone I suppose) to find someone whom he could share anything with. It's different with me. After the first and last man I've entrusted my whole life with, I don't know and I'm not planning of doing the same ever again. Not just because I fear the judgment, or the gossips. What I fear most is what it could possibly bring about .... attachment. I am preventing myself in building deeper relationships again. And I've just realized how poor a person I am, and how coward I am to decide that way. If only there would be someone who's willing to break these chains around me and make me feel that I'm free to speak and he's there to listen and comfort me and be with me. Fortunately, there's none. And I end up each day having only my computer, and you, blog ... to be with me in my happiest and most difficult times .... 

places i want to be with YOU before i die. :) #93

GA, THIS PLACE.IT SHOULD BE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. ... WILL IT EVER HAPPEN ??? 

a matter of no choice.

A while ago, I was thinking about not getting married when I grew older. Not because I have Gamophobia (see photo below), but because ... I don't feel like living with someone (else) and leaving my family (parents) behind. I'm not bitter, I just don't see myself into it. Anyway, as the saying goes, we should not talk as if there's no tomorrow, for we might swallow it in the end. 

I was just ... day dreaming, ok?! I'm wondering if I'd ever get married. When I imagine myself with someone (else), ... I feel disgusted with myself. haha!

If ever I weren't be married (God, I want to be married. Please.) I would still want to have a child. I want to be like that of the movie The Backup Plan. But I won't do it scientifically .. I want it naturally. :) It's a sin ... I know. So I am not really allowed to be unmarried because of that. LOL

I'm now in my twenties ...and sooner .... maybe five to eight years from now ... I will be someone's mate. I'm not rushing things though. I'm enjoying my life right now, being single and I pray that I will remain the same until such years (5-8). I hope that when the time comes that I will be meeting the man of my life, he's the one and no one else. ....

For now, I'd be living my single life to it's fullest! :D

Sooo excited! :D 9 months to go!!!! :)))))

RESEARCH. ♥ more patience!

Good morning! :0

I remember when you told me that I should always eat especially when I'm with you. At first, I was hesitant because I fear that when I get fat, you'll not love me anymore. But you were so persistent and you love eating as much as I do. You like it when I bring you food, and I love it when you bring me some too. You told me I'm getting heavier. I was hurt but you tried to calm me down. You lift me up and told me that no matter how much weight I gain, you'll still be able to carry me around... and you did. You even told me that you're loving me more than anything. That made me love you more than you love me, Ga. 

I guess I will never be able to forget you and not think about you for a day. Everything reminds me of you .... even the food that I eat each day. And you know what? Those are the sweetest things that I never wish to throw away and regret.... because those are the things that taught me how to love wholeheartedly. 

I miss you more each day, Ga. ..... 

It's raining outside .. and all it pours on me are memories of us ....

I would now sneak into my room, curl up in bed, read a book until I fall asleep. :)

Oh, look at what she's reading! I miss my favorite book, The Time Traveler's Wife. 

Anyway, I am now reading a new book which my sister have brought yesterday. :) 

Good night!

places i want to be with YOU before i die. :) #94

IT'S GETTING NEAR AND I'M SO EXCITED. 1 MONTH TO GO AND I'M FREE!!!!

My former friend had some trouble with her new friend and I was like ....

I've had a lot of scars from the last time I tried to comfort myself using my blades. A classmate of mine shared that when she feels terribly hurt inside, physically hurting herself gives her relief. That's exactly what I've been through.

 On the other hand, the guidance counselor in our school told me that I should have alternative means of release other than hurting myself. But it seems it's the best way, because it gives immediate relief of my heart. It's better to feel physical pain than endure a heartbreak that kills you slowly. Anyway, I have not cut myself for about .... two months now. I'm glad I didn't. The urge wasn't that strong when you are happy. Lately, I've been very busy making myself appreciate the things around me and forget about the negatives, so the blades were kept safe and sound in their place. I just hope that the day I'll be needing it again would not come too fast. I know one day I'll pick it up again and let it kiss my skin until it shed its own tears of blood. But not now. I hope never again.