A day well spent

I just had a great day with my former classmate, Christine. I wasn't really planning to meet her today ... I was actually thinking about how will I tell her I can't make it. But then, everything around made it possible. We've met at 3PM in National Bookstore. Still, I saw the same girl I have been with 2 years ago. Yeah, it's been two years since we've last talked .. but it was like we haven't been too far from each other when I saw her .. it was still the same as the old days.

We went to the food court, and there, she shared a lot about her experiences, her problems and as well as her happy moments, especially with her boyfriend. She's expecting me to tell something, like the old days, when I used to react on every word that she utter .. but this time, I am just quiet and I just laugh at her. She asked me if it's because of the course I am taking, which is, AB Evangelization .. that I have to be careful with my words. It's not like that, really. It's just that I don't want to interrupt her ... she looks really cute when she talks non stop. hahaha!

Then, we went to National Bookstore where she bought some things and then we proceed to the ever favorite, McDonalds. We continued our conversation there. We've talked about our high school mates. She told me that I've shared a lot about everyone except myself. ... but then .. she knows me, I never shared anything with everyone a lot.

Hmm .. then we went to upstairs, to the movies. She wants to watch a film, but I don't want to .. it's getting late and I have to go to Amvel. And besides, there are no good movies available. hahaha!

Then after that, we went to the food court again and continued our conversation. We ended up at 8PM. I'm touched when we are about to ride on the jeepney. Because we are going to take different routes, we have to be in separate jeepneys. She asked me where will I ride, and then when I told her, she said that she will go with me and just take another jeepney at the market where she will drop off. We seated at the front seat. Well, I know I shouldn't be touched. I am such an assuming girl. Maybe she rode the same jeepney with me because she really have to go to the market or for any other reason. No one would ever like to be with me longer. I know.

Well, it was such a nice day. I'd really want to stay longer. Ah, I miss her .. so much! It's been so long since I've talked with somebody like her. She's different. She's not like others who wouldn't care to listen. She may talk a lot, but she listens a lot too. I love her so much. I was so fortunate to have her as my friend (I hope she consider me as her friend). :)

My ever favorite cartoon. ♥

If I would ever end up with him someday, I would insist to bring him in a love bridge and attach a lock there before we both die. If it's not him, I wouldn't mind. hahahaha!

Kahit walang winter dito sa Pinas, ito ang madalas gawin ng mga Pilipino. hahahaha!!!

My Bucketlist. :) [will be open for updates]

1. Fall in love.

2. Visit Disneyland.

3. Have my own home in Europe.

4. Kiss a girl (again. hahaha!).

5. Travel the world and set foot on all 7 continents.

6. Kiss in the rain (I want to do this again, and again).

7. Marry the love of my life.

8. Sleep under the star with the love of my life.

9. Kiss underwater (again. LOL)

10. Win the lottery (who the hell wouldn't want to?hahaha!)

11. Fall asleep in HIS arms.

12. Ride the bus sitting next to HIM.

13. Donate blood.

14. Write a book.

15. Have a healthy pregnancy.

16. Solve a rubik's cube.

17. Swim with dolphins.

18. Attend a gay wedding.

19. Meet Taylor Swift and Rhian Ramos at the same time. hahaha!

20. Graduate College without losing my virginity.

21. Be happy.

22. Learn how to play piano, guitar and violin.

23. Kiss the love of my life on new year.

24. Be a bridesmaid.

25. Learn fluent sign language.

26. Save a life, save a soul.

27. Learn French, Italian, Nihonggo, Mandarin.

28. Become a billionaire.

29. Have children. Have twins.

30. Have my dream body and dream face (a face with no pimples or dirty thing on it.)

31. Find a best friend.

32. Learn how to drive.

33. Celebrate my 100th birthday with the love of my life.

34. Tell him how I feel.

35. Kiss at the top of a Ferris wheel.

36. See snow.

37. Attend a concert of Air Supply.

38. Kiss my ex one more time. LOL

39. Live in my dream house with my father, mother and siblings.

40. Time travel.

41. Visit outer space.

42. Watch baby turtles hatch.

43. Have my parents there the day I get married.

44. Overcome self harm.

45. Kiss in the snow.

46. Hug Mickey Mouse.

47. Watch the sunset with him.

48. Grow old with someone I love.

49. Dance with my kids in the rain.

50. Buy my parents a new house.

51. Win in a chess game.

52. Conquer my fears.

53. Feel beautiful.

54. Hug a penguin (a real one).

55. Become a bagger.

56. Do everything on my bucket list.

57. Have a baby fall asleep in my arms.

58. Attach a lock to a love bridge.

59. Find the end of a rainbow.

60. Die with no regrets.

61. Bake a cake.

62. Have my own personal library in my house.

63. Have a romantic night picnic.

64. Open my own business.

65. Direct a film.

66. Go on a road trip with friends.

67. Become a librarian.

68. Cover my bedroom walls with pictures.

69. Have a perfect Valentine’s Day with someone I love.

70. Spend the day in an igloo.

71. Have my father walk me down the aisle.

72. Be kissed unexpectedly.

73. Kiss someone in a library.

11.11.11

I have no special memories with November 11, but with the number '11' itself, I have. Whenever I see this number, I remember one person - YEN.

The memorable dates:

August 11, 2006 ... the day we first met.

August 11, 2007 ... the day it all started.

August 4, 2008 ... the 'ruined day'

August 11, 2007 ... my first struggle (LOL)

Well, I would want to try not to sound too funny about this thing, I want to be serious but ... it's just funny to remember stuffs like this. I mean, it's been years .. and still ... I haven't moved on about everything. I might be the most stupid person, but yeah .. I can't forget every single detail about us. 

I have three special songs for him after we broke up, and I've remembered those just now. 

LEAVING YESTERDAY BEHIND

Since you left me, I never really tried
To put my life to where it should belong
And I've always let the past gone by
I'm realizing that it could be wrong

But now I fin'lly knew
I had to let it go
To make way for a brighter tomorrow

So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
 The way I did before

Since I know that I never will forget
The memories that made my yesterday
I will try not to let it interfere
The choices I will make along the way

'Cause I'm not livin' in a world of fantasy
I'm here now in the world of reality

So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
Just the way I did before

PAIN IN MY HEART

Here I am alone in this empty room,
And let my mind just fly you to the end.
Thoughts of you still linger in my memory
Wondering why my life is not that fair.

I could still recall, those memories of you,
The joy and all your laughter,
The love that we've been through.
Oh I can't believe, you're gone...

I don't want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don't want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
'Cause I don't wanna feel the pain in my heart
Talkin' to my self, for reasons I can't find.
Findin' out why everything went wrong.
Tears fallin' down on my cheeks,
That I've been tryin' to hold.
I just dunno if I could still go on.

I wanted you to stay,
The tears began to show,
You said you care for me,
But then you have to go
And now I know, you're gone.

I just can't believe, you're gone...

EACH PASSING NIGHT

Each passing night
I try and close my eyes
But thoughts of you
They wake me up
And tear me inside out

Each passing night
I ask myself who's right
And try to find the reasons why
It had to end that night

Didn't we share each other's dreams
We held each other tight
And tears fell from my eyes
As you walked and left me here
Like the wind you passed me by
I try but I can't see
If it's something that I said
Baby please won't you tell me now
'Cause it gets harder each passing night

I often pray
That you'd come back and stay
We've had too much together
To ever live a part
I'll wait and see
'Cause I know and I believe
Someday you'll come to realize
What you and I can be

Then we'll share each other's dreams
We'll held each other tight
Kiss the tears that burn my eyes
'Cause you walked and left me here
Like the wind you passed me by
I try but I can't see
If it's something that I said
Baby, please won't you tell me now
'Cause it gets harder each passing night

I never meant to hurt your heart this way
Sooner or later
There'd be someone else who'd stay

Thinking about how I used to be foolish makes me laugh at myself. And the funnier thing was, still I am the same girl right now who's madly, deeply, crazily in love with him. It sucks. I just hate myself for loving him this much. But I am thankful, for I have been realizing lately what reality has been revealing to me for too long. And yes, I promise, I would open my eyes so wide soon. It's just that I am so afraid to face what's real, that he's gone and he's never ever gonna be mine. Now, I am slowly seeing things as they really are, and I am trying to help myself recover from being blind. I have to accept everything, that's what I should do. 

But for now, excuse me for not letting go of my past. It's not that easy, but I promise I would very soon. :)

I need someone who is prepared for:

-my million questions
-my uncontrollable laughter
-my family
-my appetite
-musical outburst
-random dancing
-my friends
-sad/happy tears
-deep talks
-my imagination
- my dreams
-walks in the rain
-random texts
-useless arguements
-and...acceptance of the REAL me.

everything that's real or genuine is hard to find...

-real friends

-real love

-real people

-real treasure

-real happiness

-REALationships. :)))

We're SISTERS/BROTHERS in CHRIST right?!

Blood is thicker than water .. but SPIRIT is thicker than both. ♥

No matter how much I make myself busy, I still think of you most of the time. ♥

Piliin mo ung mga taong kayang mag-effort na makita o makausap ka. 

Hindi ung mga taong naaalala ka lang pag wala na silang choice. -.-

------0------

Eh kaso sila lang available e .. magiging choosy ka pa ba?!

So true ,,. :)) Just like now.

Only time will determine when and how you're going to move on. Sure, it might not be right away like you want it to be, but eventually one day you'll wake up and realize that somewhere along the way, that piercing feeling you've always felt inside your chest faded and went away while you were too busy living life to notice.

Kunwari di ko nakita :/

The best finale for today. :))))

I wonder if you ever think about me .. because you know .. I always think about you every single second of my day. :)))) ♥♥♥

Like sometimes, I pretend I am not offended, but I am actually killing you in my head. There are times when I pretend I didn't get it but actually, I have the answer in mind. It's when sometimes, I pretend I didn't notice your message or the 'meaning' behind it, but actually it runs through my mind from the time you have told me about it. Sometimes, I pretend I don't care about you, but actually, missing you so much is already killing me. It's like sometimes, I pretend I am not in love with you, but you're all I think about the whole day.

So true. Right?!

Bitter NO MORE! :D

Hahahaha! Wala lang. Huling post na talaga to promise (pinapasaing pala ko ni Mama, mamaya na yun. hahahaha!)

Well .. gusto ko lang sabihin na ... hindi lahat ng tumitingin sa wall ng mahal nila e nasasaktan. Tulad ko. hahahaha! Joke lang. Noon iyak iyak din ako .. pero ngayon, thank God hindi na. Wala ng hurt. Ok na ko. Asteeeeeeeeeggggggggg!

Naisip ko nga .. .. oo, siya nga ang gusto ko. If ever, gusto ko someday maging akin siya... pero maraming maaapektuhan para lang maisakatuparan ang mga pansarili kong kagustuhan. Isa pa, he's already been used by someone else .. hahaha! Kaya I told myself kanina na ... I'll wait for that man .. na akin lang .. wala ng iba. Yung fresh pa. hahaha! Joke lang. 

Pero syempre .. wala e .. mahal ko yun e. chos! hahaha! Pero suko na ko. Ok na ko. Pero mas ok ako kung siya! hahahaha! Kulit eh no. Someday makaka move on din ako. Pero sa totoo lang ayoko. Ang sarap niyang mahalin. Masakit at mahirap . .. pero yun  ..sa tingin ko .. ang isa sa mga pinakamasayang bagay na nagawa ko sa taong to ... ang mahalin siya ... hahay!!!!

Kung pinagsisisihan ko na siya pa? Syempre hindi. Kahit anong mangyari .. kahit pagbalibaliktarin pa ang mundo .. hindi ako magsasawang mahalin siya  ... kahit ilang ulit pa kaming magkakilala at sa iba't ibang katauhan man o panahon .. mamahalin ko pa rin siya. Sana lang sa ibang katauhan o panahon maging akin na siya. hahaha! Ewan ko ba .. oo marami ngang tao sa mundo ... hindi ako dapat nagtitiyaga sa kanya at nagpapakaengot ng ganito ... pero wala e .. iba siya .. ibang iba. Siya lang ang gusto ko ... kung hindi man siya, sana tulad ng Papa ko. Hay ..........................

Kahit mahal ko siya ngayon .. di na ko bitter. Di na ko nasasaktan pag nakikita ko ang .......

Masaya na ko. Masayang masaya. Masaya ako kahit mukha akong tanga. Masaya ako kasi nakikita kong masaya siya .. at napapasaya niya ang mga taong nangangailangan at higit na nagmamahal sa kanya. Sana lang talaga .. makatagpo ulit ako ng tulad niya o tulad ni Papa. Yung sakto a. Joke lang. Ang swerte 'niya'. Sobra. Nakuha niya at nasa kanya na ang nag-iisang tao na gusto ko ngayon. Napakabuti ni Lord. Buti na lang di kami. Kasi kung kami, baka hindi ko siya maalagaan ng maayos ..masasaktan ko lang siya lagi. At least .. panatag ako dahil nasa maayos siyang kalagayan diba. :)))) 

mahal ko siya!!!!!!!!!!! oo!!! mahal na mahal ko siya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at eto na .. eto na sana ang huling gabi na sasabihin ko to!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sana talaga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I end this day .... a .. happy. Yeah, it may be too early to say this, but at least I am being positive. I want to end this day happy, so .... I am claiming it. I have already talked with somebody .. and hearing the voice of that person made my day. Not too much personal, it's just that talking with someone means a lot to me. I feel like I exist. I thank that someone for it. And of course, above all, I thank God for it. I wanna be happy. I may be sick right now but I wanna be happy, and I will.

Sikretong nais ipagkalat.

"Love" ang isa sa mga personal kong sikreto na gustong gusto kong ipagsigawan sa lahat. Alam mo yun. Willing na willing talaga sana akong ipagkalat .. kaso lang .. hindi pwede. Nakakainis. Sobra. Kung pwede lang talaga. Gusto kong sabihin sa lahat na mahal ko siya. At syempre gusto kong ipaalam sa kanya na mahal na mahal na mahal ko siya. Eh kaso, paano? Eh di nga pwede. Kaya eto .. sobrang tinatago ko na lang sa loob ko .. and hirap... sobra! Para na kong sasabog. Kailangan kong pigilan ang sarili ko. Kasi pag inamin kong mahal ko siya, mawawala siya sa buhay ko. Lalayuan niya ako .. at ayokong mangyari yun. Hahayaan ko na lang ang sikretong ito na habambuhay ng maitago, kesa naman mawala siya dahil sa kati ng dila ko.

Alam kong unfair ang mundo .. pero nahihirapan talaga akong tanggapin yun. :/

disappointed. :/

-tinatamad akong kumilos

-ayokong lumabas ng bahay

-ayokong makakita ng kahit na sinong tao

-tinatamad akong magtext

-tinatamad akong magsalita

-parang feeling ko pagod na pagod ako kahit wala naman akong ginagawa

-ayokong umiyak pero naiiyak lang talaga ako

-gusto ko maglaslas

-gusto kong tumalon sa building

-gusto kong inumin ang gamot ng kapatid ko

-gusto kong matulog ng mahimbing ... ayoko ng magising

-nalulungkot ako. sobra.

-feeling ko mag-isa ako (oo, mag-isa nga ako dito sa bahay)

-ayoko ng pumasok sa school

-nababadtrip ako ... hindi ko alam kung bakit.

Kahit alam kong lamang ako sa kanya…
Meron pa rin siya na wala ako - IKAW

I wanna do this. Really.

sad. lonely. depressed. suicidal. pathetic. worthless. useless. meaningless. nothing. gross. fat. disgusting. failure. unimportant. disgrace. ugly. awkward. shy. stupid. confused. consumed. forgotten. fragile. dumb. emotional. forgotten. empty. hateful. hopeless. insecure. labeled. judged. misunderstood. numb. nervous. quiet. scared. suffering. dead

My aunt is dead for 7 days now, .... and well .. I think it's supposed to be me. Yeah, it's me that should be there lying quietly on her coffin. I should be the one taken .. not her. There are a lot more people who needs her, most especially her children. But me? No one needs me. No one even cares about me. I don't matter to anyone. I don't do anything that is good. I am such a trash. I should be there. I am supposed to be in her place.

Akong ako eh. :D

Eto lang gusto kong gawin .. wala ng iba.

Sana pwede ko na lang sabihin sayo yung mga nararamdaman ko. Like ngayon, namimiss kita .. sobra .. parang naloloka na ko kakaisip. Gusto kong sabihn sayo yun pero alam mo yun .. kahit simpleng yun lang mahirap pa. Kasi .. kasi... nakakainis yung ganito. Wala akong magawa . .. naiiyak na lang tuloy ako. Hay. Bakit naman kasi?! Bakit ikaw pa?! Antanga ko talaga kahit kailan .... :/

I am currently hearing a baby's cry and well ... I am getting paranoid. haha! One of these days ... ah .... forget about it! :/

"I'm stressed, I need sex." I wonder if someone would have sex with me when I say this. LOL

I've re-written my notes in Psychology from last semester, and I saw there that sex is one of the factors for stress management. This means that sex could actually make someone feel better. Now, I'm stressed. But I didn't say I want to have sex right now. Of course, my professor had given us a lot more choices for stress management other than sex, so I have no excuse. hahahaha!

I've just thought, when will be my first? I don't mean anything horny about it, I've just thought about it, which I find natural. I really wonder how, when and with whom will I finally open the gates. hahaha!

"Save the last first sex for HIM". I wonder who will be that "him". Honestly, I have an eye on this someone (of course, I love him) but well ... I could only have it on my dreams. He's already been used by this other woman (whom he loves. ouch, it hurts.) Whenever I think of this, I feel sad. Not that I really want to have sex with him, it's just that I want to hug him, kiss him and wake up in the morning with him beside me. That's my dream. Really. I may sound so stupid right now, but it's all I want. I even want to wish this would happen at least for a day. But that would never be enough. Well, I'll just have to settle on it, if I ever got the chance. At least one day was given to me. I will make sure I will be able to show him how much I love him.

Now back to sex, I have read these lines a while ago .. "Do it only with the best." and "Never say no." I really plan doing it with the best man for me out there. But .... I hope I could wait. LOL. For now, I only want to have it with this man I love. Only with him. He's the best for me ... :'( For the second quote, I plan to do it with my husband someday .. (again, I insist. I want it to be him. aaaaahhhhH!!!!!) As long as I could, I will never say no. Well, it isn't unfair by the way, because we will both benefit with what we would do. Of course, we do it because we love each other and we want ourselves to enjoy it and be happy. So why say "no" right?!

This is the first time I have talked about this thing, and I think I shouldn't stop myself because sex is natural. There's nothing wrong with it, unless someone puts it into a dirty context. I don't feel like doing it right now, believe it or not. I just want to talk about it. That's all. haha!

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

All the good ones are taken.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

Nakakatawang isipin na di na ako nasanay sayo. Alam ko namang di ka kailanman tumupad sa mga sinasabi mo .. wala ka ngang nagagawa e .. pero bakit ganun .. naghihintay pa rin ako. Ang boba ko talaga. Ako na talaga! hahahaha!

My aunt (other aunt aside from the one I have mentioned earlier with the lesbian, in case you are confused) has been dead for 6 days now. People like my other aunts, brother, sister, sister-in-law, grandmother, father and mother would ask me if I don't ever feel fear whenever I'm alone in our house, lights off. This is the only answer I have for them:

Since I began reading the Bible and hearing God's words, well, I would say that fear of being alone in darkness has already left me. I would just pray that someday, my fear of feeling alone and having the darkness inside would leave me soon.

That's how stupid people are .. and that's how powerful love is. When love strikes, you could do nothing about it. You can't stop yourself. Even if it's hurting you, you still continue. It's as if you have found some kind of pleasure in pain. It's like admitting that foolishness is ok. We cannot blame our friends whenever we hear these words from them .. because we too have experienced it. We too have been once insane. We too have been once crazily in love with this someone who constantly hurt us, yet it's as if the pain just adds up to the love you felt for them. It's unfair right? But what can we do? LOVE IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO PAIN.

I like to post the photos I have downloaded but ... I don't feel like into those things now. Not that I feel lazy .. it's just that those photos are more on sad emotions .. and it doesn't synchronize with what I feel right now. Though I may say I am not that happy right now .. I just feel at peace .. I just have no time thinking about lonely and hurtful things right now.

Steamy! :)

My aunt, together with my brother and her ... a .. lesbian 'friend' went here to take a bath. Now, she's currently doing so ... with her lesbian friend. I was like, "OMG". Whatda. I mean, yeah .. they're both biologically made female but .. the fact that the 'other' was a lesbian ... that's a bit different. sHE may also have the body parts my aunt has .. but his mind works like a man .. and that's ... well .. that's good. They just had a one steamy bath together. :)))) I wish I could have it also .. but not with a lesbian. :D

Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.

LOVE is DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL to PAIN.

Bakit nga kaya no? Sabi nila .. (pasensya na di ko alam .. hahaha! chos!) pag-ibig ang pinakamasarap maranasan sa mundo. Pag di ka nakaranas nito ... ikaw na ang pinakamalas na tao sa mundo. Hahahaha! Pero imposible naman yun .. kasi lahat naman ng tao nagmamahal diba.

Maganda magmahal, pero masarap ang mahalin. Pero mas masarap di hamak ang magmahal para sakin. Ewan ko ba. Parang may anong pleasure na pakiramdam pag nagmamahal ka .. diba? diba? diba? Pero ang nakakatawa dun, ansakit magmahal. Sobra. Iyon din naman ang pinakamasakit na naramdaman ko. Talo mo pa naaksidente e. Puso lang nawasak sayo .. pero buong katawan at sistema mo nagretiro. Alam mo yun?! Hai ..... 

Bakit kaya ganun? Kakambal ng pagmamahal ang masaktan? Di ba pwedeng maghiwalay na lang sila? Akala ko ba .. hindi mali ang magmahal ..pero bakit nasasaktan ka pa rin? Bakit?? Hay ...

Kagabi naisip ko .... kung talagang nadadaya ang emosyon ... ibig sabihin tayo ay dapat lamang na magmahal ng isang tao (tinutukoy ko opposite sex ha, out na muna family and friends). Ibig sabihin kung sino lang ang nakalaan sayo, yun lang. Ibig sabihin ba nun mali na minahal ko yung una kong minahal kaysa kanya? Dinaya ba ako at ang emosyon ko??? 

Parang anlabo nanaman. Sa tingin ko talaga walang maling pag-ibig. Ang pag-ibig ay hindi kailan man mali. Pero paano ang mga taong sabi nila mahal nila pero taken na ng iba o bawal na pag-ibig meron sila. Tingin ko nagmamahal pa rin sila .. hindi iyon mali. Ang mali lang e yung taong minahal nila at yung sitwasyon na naroroon sila. Pero kahit kailan di sila nagkamali sa naramadaman nila .. na nagmahal sila.

Hay, naguluhan nanaman ako. Nakakainis. Ang hirap. Bakit ba napakakumplikado ng 'love'?! Ang iksi-iksi pero ang hirap hirap intindihin. Nakakainis......

----------------------------

Mali ba na minahal ko siya? Eh hindi ko naman piniling maramdaman yun e. Kusang nangyari yun, at kung ako ang tatanungin .. ayoko. Ayoko talaga. Kung masasaktan lang ako ng ganito ayoko talaga. Pero ayun na e. Minahal ko na. Masaya ako na mahal ko siya. Nasasaktan ako kasi mahal ko siya. Hay ... Nadaya ba ako? Oo, mukhang nadaya ang emosyon ko. Nabiktima ako. Bakit ganon? Bakit kailangan ako parusahan ng ganito?? Bakit ???!!!!!!

Ako na talaga. Ako na talaga. Ako na dakilang tanga. Bakit ba ang galing ko pagdating sa katangahan????!!! I hate myself so much!!!!!!

Nagbasa ng 99 facts about girls with a friend....

Ako : ang korni.

Friend: bitter ka lang.

-----------------

Oo nga .. bitter lang ako. kagabi pa ko bitter. hainako.

than waste my time talking and texting with you ............

Again, for once, I've remembered that one scary night ...................

I know I've promised that I'll move on about this thing. But I really can't. This is one of the most hurtful things I've received from someone I really care about. This is a kind of a slap on my both cheeks. I don't want to hear those words again .. ever. It only sums up that I am nothing, which is true. Well, I'm still thankful to him for telling this to my face. At least I know. At least he's been honest. At least now I know how everyone who talks and texts me feels .... He's only this one honest and brave guy who could tell me what others are hiding inside. I really thank him for it.


-------------------------

Oh well, I would rather turn off my pc and sleep now than think about you all this time ....

I want to breathe ....

I was walking earlier on my way home from my aunt's house. I was thinking about this thing that happened to bother me overnight. Then, I've tried breathing hard, I mean, inhaling and exhaling to the fullest extent .. some kind of a release. I was so disappointed with the smell I wasn't supposed to sense, but then it wasn't the real thing that would ever discourage me to breathe hard again. 

It's really about that choking feeling inside. I know it wasn't air that I need. I have been well-sustained by oxygen around. But I really feel like there's something that stops me from enjoying inhaling and exhaling. I don't mean any serious health conditions here .. I am referring to that feeling when you're hurt. Have you ever experienced that? Like it hurts so much it feels like you're drowning and slowly dying inside. That's what I've felt. I only wish that whenever I feel that way, I should really drown myself and die, literally.

Well, I regret that I didn't enjoyed the fresh air when I was in Tagaytay for a retreat. I could have inhaled and exhaled a lot there. I could have forget all the pains I am going through, and just live perfectly for a day. But I didn't. I've wasted my stay there. I really regret it. 

I am really not good enough, because if I were, God would have given me to you. I should be enough for your need, but I wasn't. And that's what makes me want to die right now.

I feel like I'm choking...

.knowing that you don't love me. 

..knowing that you love her. 

...knowing that you're happy with her. 

....knowing that you talk to me when you have no choice.

.....knowing that you think about me just when something lets you remember me.

......knowing that I can never ever have you.

.......knowing that I wasn't the one for you. 

........knowing that someone else is doing what I want to do for you.

.........knowing that someone has already given her life to you.

..........knowing that someone kisses you now.

...........knowing that I can't hug you.

............knowing that I can't even tell you I love you.

Happy ^.^

No time for feelin' bad today. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I should move on. I should love myself too . .. :))

No time for bitterness .. :)

That should be ME.

Ouuuuuuu
ouuuuuuuu

Everybody's laughing in my mind,
Rumors spreading 'bout this other guy,
Do you do what you did when you
did with me?
Does he love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans
that you made with me?
'cause baby I didn't!


That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me

Ouuuuuuu
ouuuuuuuu

That should be me,
Yeah,
You said you needed a little time
For my mistakes,
It's funny how you used that time
To have me replaced,
Did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies
Whatcha doin' to me,
You're takin' him where we used to go,
Now if you're tryin' to break my
heart,
It's working 'cause you know that,...

Chorus:

That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me ,




Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me

I need to know should I fight
For our love for this long
It's getting harder to shield
This pain in my heart!!!

Chorus:
That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me,
Holding your hand,
That should be me,
Oh i makin you laugh, oh Baby,
That should be me,
(that should be me givin you flowers)
That should be me,
Talking by hours,that should be me, that should be me,
that should be me

Never should've let you go,!
I never should've let you go,!
That should be me!! <3
Never should've let you go
That should be me!!<3

Can I ask Google if you love me?

You left me just when I needed you most. T_T

It's funny how people seems to be so distant when you needed them the most. It's like when you were in your happiest days, they're all present, and to think they have promised you that they'll be on your side no matter what. But then here comes the day when you feel so empty and lonely, and  you can count on anyone but yourself. I hate every person who promised me that they will be with me especially in bad times. Where are they now? Why can't I see at least a shadow of them at my back? I need someone with me now, and no one is present. That's so fair. If I only have a choice I would really choose to kill myself, than being slowly killed by the pains that other people who I used to care about has caused me. I really hate everything now. I hate every people I remember and I hate myself too.

Mourn Day

I mourn for myself today. I feel really sad and empty. The silence in our house kills me. The fact that I am all alone the whole day makes me wonder if someone out there missed me. It was like the most unproductive day I had. The loneliness I felt this past few days eats me up, to the point that I can't do anything the whole day. It was like I lost interest at everything. I felt tired. I feel lazy the whole day. It's as if I can't move. I actually want to do something, but I don't know why it seems I can't move. You know what stops me? Myself of course. 

I want to scream but I can't. Of course, it would freak out the whole neighborhood. I am currently crying, and that's what I did the whole day. I can't stop myself. I mean, Of course I have breaks in crying like, "wait, I have to do something else except crying" but when the urge to cry is there, I can't help but give in. I can't exactly figure out why. I just feel like it. No, I mean, it's what I need. I feel this pain inside me, I don't know where it came from. It's like ah!!! (here I am, crying again). 

I hate myself being this weak. I admit that I was born emotional, but sometime in my life I have stopped crying about everything. And now, here it is again. I shed tears on simple stuffs, not only that, I cry for no reason at all. Or, let's just say that there's a reason, there's a lot of reasons actually, but I just can't figure out what because it's a lot. 

I have considered cutting again, but unfortunately, my blades are gone (because I have promised that I will not self-injure again). But I think it's the only way I could find relief. I mean, yeah, I'm crazy, but you won't understand unless you're in the situation. I felt an extreme pain inside and in order to calm myself, I have to have a physical pain. No other way, I guess, I had only two options: to cut or to cry. Now I've cried the whole day, and I may say that it wasn't enough. My system finds more than it. 

I am worthless. I am a trash. I so hate myself. I have been a burden to everybody. I hate myself because I can't make those people around me happy. It's like I always bring bad luck with me.

I am human. I need someone to talk to, which for 19 years I lack. No one wants to hear my story. Anyway it's nonsense. But why don't I have this friend whom I could tell everything? Talking with someone might as well lessen the pains inside my heart. (I can't stop crying, help!).

 There's nothing good about me. I am ugly, I am fat, I am bad, I am nothing. I actually fear tomorrow. I don't know where will I find myself. I am so torn that every piece of me is scattered anywhere... I could hardly find myself. I don't know what to do...

I've considered attending in the Catholic Life in the Spirit Seminar near our school, because I know it's something that would help me out. But when I remember how people used to tell me that I am always attending yet I am still the worst they've ever known .... I don't think it would be a good idea. I'd rather stay here in our house, lock myself in and never show up to anyone, than be there and just disappoint God. 

< I'm sorry Lord, I am this bad. >

Now, no one wants to talk to me, no one wants to see me, no one has even texted me, "hey, how are you? still alive?". I don't matter to anyone. My existence is not important to them. They're happier when they do not see me. Yes, I am bad for pitying myself like this. I know I'm bad. I know, I know, I know. I know that no one likes me either. I know that. And I will never forget that fact for the rest of my life.

This is what I really want to tell you . geez!

So true ..

I've learned not to expect anything from you .. after all, I'll just end up upset and disappointed .. 

I need you . ...

The disease and the cure is none other than YOU ..

IKR?!

Just like now. LOL

That awkward moment when you get jealous though you have no right to be.

But if you want to leave, you can. I’ll remember you, though. I remember everyone that leaves…

                              ~Lilo and Stitch

I have to tell myself it's ok before I freak out.

No attachment.

This is what I have always been telling myself whenever you're near or whenever you're talking to me, but still, I can't stop myself from getting attached to you. You're like a magnet and I'm like a metal .. I just can't get rid of you especially when we are together. I know that getting attached to you would mean hurting myself to death, but it's what my mind and my heart wants, and it's as if when both of them agreed, my whole system just follows. I'm that weak.

If you leave, it's my fault.

Not now. please.

I'm not worth the fear.

You've just destroyed the most vulnerable part of me ... MY HEART.

We're friends, and then I fell for you. May I ask one thing? have you fallen for me too? I just need an honest answer. I know you weren't allowed to tell it to me if you really did, but at least try to tell me. I also know that you know it would hurt me if you say you didn't and you never did fell for me, but I beg you .. please tell me.

Yes, of course .. but can't that better be you? I only want you. I don't need anyone better .. you're enough for me.

I always think of you and this is driving me insane.

Depressed people knows how to fake it so well. .. you could hardly notice.

I'm so happy for Geralyn .. ! :))

She just texted me asking me if I'm online. From that message I can feel she's so happy, and what I have on mind is that maybe Alchris, her first love have visited her. Then, I immediately go online .. and boom! I was right!

I'm so happy for her! :)) I may be upset right now and broken hearted as well because of the difficulties I encounter with my lovelife, but knowing how happy a friend like her with her lovelife .. it's more than a gift of relief to me. Maybe I am not that lucky with love, but at least others are. :))

Congratulations, I know you'll do it .. just like everyone else. .. T_T

Please, do this for me.

Losing you is something I can't handle .... for now.

Kaya please lang . .. wag ka munang mawawala. Di ko pa kaya. Bigyan mo muna ako ng panahong ikundisyon ang sarili ko. Wag mo kong biglain, dahan dahan lang ang paglayo. Please lang. Please lang talaga. Isa ito sa mga bagay na pinakamahirap gawin.

From BITTER to BETTER. I hope.

ALWAYS.

Andamot ng mundo. Promise.

You can reach me, but you don't want to.

You can reach me by rail way  
You can reach me by trail way  
You can reach me on an airplane  
You can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan 
Cross the desert like a Arab man  
I don't care how you get here  
Just get here if you can
You can reach me by sail boat 
Climb a tree and swing rope to rope 
Take a sled and slide down slope  
Into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt  
cross the border in a blaze of hope 
I don't care how you get here  
Just get here if you can
There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over  
If I had my way surely you'd be closer 
I need you closer
There are hills and mountains between us 
Always something to get over  
If I had my way surely you'd be closer 
I need you closer
You can windsurf into my life  
Take me up on a carpet ride  
You can make it in a big balloon  
But you better get here soon
You can reach me by caravan  
Cross the desert like a Arab man 
I don't care how you get here 
Just get here if you can
I need you right here right now  
I need you here by my side 
I don't care how you get here 

Just get here if you can

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sana nga no. Kaso imposible to. Kahit ano pang means ang meron, di mo gagawing puntahan ako. Ayaw mo ngang makasama ako e. Halatang halata. Yun nga lang nasa iisang lugar tayo di mo pa magawang makipagkita, yun pa kayang malayo.